very single minute that I keep living is every single minute that I don’t know and probably will never truly know what’s happening to Kris and EXO with SM. I don’t know what to believe anymore because there are so many rumors flying around and so many people jumping to conclusions.

I thought that I didn’t really care that much about this at first. Kris was never really one of my favorite members, but I did like him enough that he made me smile from time to time. I’m not one of those EXO fans that has always watched them really closely, so if there were signs of this coming, I know that I completely missed them.

And that pains me.

I just want to know what’s happening.

The thought of EXO no longer being 12 members is almost unreal to me – it’s like the plot of a shounen manga or a cliché book that you know things will turn out well and how you want them to in the end. And what I want, what I truly want, is for EXO to stay as 12. I don’t want Kris to leave, even with everything I know about SM Entertainment’s mistreatment of its artists.

Truth be told, I don’t know what to think there either.

Wu YiFan is a human being and one that I apparently like. That means I want him to be happy, but I’m a selfish person. Almost disgustingly so. I know it’s dumb to hang onto it, but with EXO usually saying things like We are one, what is this bull about them turning their backs on Kris? And is that even really true? Their social media accounts are not to be trusted, but no one can say if it’s actually an SM staff member currently controlling them or if it’s really them showcasing their shock, discomfort, disgust, feelings of betrayal, and hurt or not.

I want to know.

What’s going to happen to EXO after this? Kris is suing the company. If he does return? It’s going to be awkward as hell.

Or not.

What if everything that’s happened in the last 48 hours is just one large media play? I can believe it, with a company as large as SM. The truth is, I want to believe it, so badly.

I keep fluctuating in my feelings. I don’t know how to feel. I keep getting these random bursts of sickness and depression to the point where I want to flop onto my bed and never get up again – but then when I don’t focus on the things at hand with Kris, with EXO, with SM, with this lawsuit and all the chaos, I end up turning out to not actually care – which brings the question for myself: how am I going to feel if this whole situation doesn’t have a fairy tale ending?

EXO, as just eleven members? EXO, as an uneven amount of members? It’s not like any of my favorite members are leaving, but I said it before: I like Kris.

Even though his original idol image was a cold guy with style, of course he couldn’t keep something like that up for long when possible real bits of himself came out. He’s actually a huge, kind dork who cares a lot for those special to him. He’s the kind of guy that you would look at and not expect that he would cry or look visibly hurt over the fact that he’s so far from his family.

Which brings me to another point. How has SM been really treating him? Do they really not care if one of their artists get sick? Shouldn’t they do what they need to in order to maintain their cash cows so that they can continue to make money off of them? Being signed with an entertainment group is the same as any other job: it’s a business. You’d think that business would take better care of what makes them money – and let’s face it, EXO is currently, arguably the most popular K-Pop male group in South Korea. They probably trumped DBSK and BIGBANG because SM markets them to the point where you get so damn sick of seeing them everywhere. EXO is everywhere in the K-Pop entertainment world. They’re unavoidable.

I knew about them almost instantly after I got into K-Pop because they were still rising stars then. And I think they still are.

Or were.

Which brings us here: What’s going to happen to EXO now? One member gone? Weren’t they close? We are one?

Don’t make me laugh.

Group dynamics are going to majorly shift after this – that shift is probably comparable to an earthquake, or a shake of a table or flick of a domino that triggers other events.

Those other events might not even just effect EXO. Think about it: SM is a large company, one of the big three. Something like this got so out of hand so damn quickly and possibly triggered other idol groups who feel they’re being treated unfairly to do something against their company, just like Kris did. Suddenly, lawsuits are filed left and right.

It’s a revolution?

But I’m getting way ahead of myself.

Honestly, I think there are some companies that are quite good at keeping their legal matters involving their signed artists mum, which is why more speculation about the EXO situation continues to build. Fans and followers of the issue have to have something to feed off of. And it’s human nature to spread information and take in information – so much so that it’s actually a human necessity. We need to know what’s going on, what’s happening – so comes the clever idea of coming up with something to feed the public and let them have at it as they well.

Back to this so-called revolution of mine; let’s say that this does kind of have a fairy tale ending and something good actually comes out of it. One of those things is: companies letting their idols actually be humans. Now there’s an idea I can handle.

Being an idol is hard. It comes with just as many losses as it does perks – and when it comes to humans, a good part of the time, those losses can weight more heavily than the gains. Just to name something particular that every K-Pop fan should know: psychotic, mentally unstable, obsessed fans who want to be close to their idol and try to achieve this by actual stalking.

This includes, but isn’t limited to: finding out where you live, getting your number, harassing your friends/family to find out more information about you, actually hurting those people to get the things they want, abusing you in public places, making it hard for you to have privacy anywhere, sneaking into your personal abode, stealing your things, leaving unsavory things for you to see, and hurting other fans who aren’t completely off their rockers because of their possessive, obsessive nature.

It’s not just those select few "fans" that idols have to worry about. As I understand it, idols don’t really date because that’s something that’s considered a scandal in the tabloids/celebrity news. I never understood why and I think it’s dumb. Therefore, they can’t really fulfill their human needs of contact with a significant other because fans will misunderstand and people will actually start getting hurt because of those obsessed fans, the sasaengs. Most of the time, if they date, it’s in complete and utter secret – which is awful. If an idol dates, I want them to be able to flaunt it – or at the very least, not have to hide it from the world.

While on the subject of privacy, here’s something else to say about that: idols don’t have it. It’s not just the fans, the company monitors practically everything they do. In an idol s or pisses, the company is there to wipe their after standing by. Practically every hour of their day is scheduled out to promote themselves, which as idols, is understandable, but the schedules are crazy, and idols are almost constantly left with the minimum amount of rest – sometimes not even that.

It’s not just that . . . Most idols can’t really be considered artists anyway, just performers. They perform what’s written and choreographed for them, but what if they want to create their own content? Such a revolution of sorts could be the very thing that could have companies loosening the leashes around their necks and hands them just a little more artistic freedom – at the very least, it could give idols a chance to try out their own things.

I’m not saying music producers and the actual people behind the music have to disappear completely, because then structurally, I feel that things would fall apart. What I’m saying is, it would be interesting to have more idols pitch in a word about what their performing and singing on stage. Their content could be a little more tailored to them, personally, rather than the image their actually trying to project which might not even be close to real.

It’s still hard right now. I’m having a hard time telling what is right and what is wrong – everything feels like it’s wrong. I was surprised when I saw EXO-K on M! Countdown, though I probably shouldn’t have been. The world isn’t going to stop spinning even though it feels like it’s all ending for some very dedicated and hardcore fans of EXO. I like them a lot, but to the people who love them, it really you have to cycle through all of these emotions of dread that leave me just as quickly after they come.

Now the only question is, what happens next?