I have a big feeling that no one is going to read this but I need to type this out. Ever since my sister got brain damage in 2006, I was usually pushed aside, left in friends' houses till late at night, driving to hospitals, driving back, etc, etc. I was only 6 when this happened but through that I learned to be helpful and I learned that I needed to be strong and help my parents. But after my sister came home, things got a lot worse for me. My mom has a really bad temper when she gets mad and when my sister got sick, it put a lot of stress on both of my parents. When my mom got mad, she would yell, she would kick, she would slap, she would curse, she would even take out a rolling pin and hit us. She'd also throw things at us. I've been thrown to the ground before. Hit in the head who knows how many times. I knew I had to stay strong but I couldn't help but always feel like nobody wanted me anymore. I felt like no one knew what I was going through or what pain I was feeling. I guess it was because I learned to stay strong and put on a smile so no one would worry about me. Ever since I started middle school, things really got heated up. My sister was the smartest. She skipped two grades and went into high school at just the age of 12. She was really good in subjects like English, Creative Writing and that sort of stuff. She was not, however, good in math or science. Me, on the other hand, were skilled in math and science and also anything that involved hand work (not art). But I was always pressured to be exactly like my sister. Like, "how come your sister can do this but you can't?" or "your sister did a lot better than you when she was in school.", blah blah blah blah blah... It was that over and over everyday. Also, when I started middle school, I started learning how to play golf. Not that I wanted to, I was forced because my dad had read somewhere online that it was easier for a girl to get a scholarship to a better college if they played golf. So I went to learn to play golf because I thought it would be fun. Boy, was I wrong. It was not fun at all. It was boring, it was tired, you had to practice every single day, you had to go to tournaments every single weekend. There was no fun in anything. There were times when I wanted to stop time or go back in time and change what happened. There were even times when I considered cutting myself or killing myself. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. I mean, how could I? 

I know that this may seem long and boring but I'm sure that there's going to be one person that's going to read this and say that the same thing is happening to them too. We don't even know it ourself because we hide our pain with a smile. It may seem like I'm say this whole thing in an easy-going manner but trust me, it's easier to say it than to actually deal with it. If you've ever read any of my applyfic apps, my character Choi Mihyun's personality came from my own personality. She's exactly like me.

There are so many memories I want to forget. But as Momiji from Fruits Basket says, "But you know, there's something I believe. I want to try and live my life carrying all of my memories with me. And even if those memories are painful, even if they do nothing but hurt me, I want to keep them. Even those memories I sometimes wish I could forget. As long as I carry them with me, as long as I can keep holding on, and someday, someday I'll be strong enough that those memories don't hurt me anymore and I'll be glad I have them. That's what I believe. With all my heart. That's why all my memories are precious to me. I don't think it would be okay to forget a single one." Also he says, “I'm still willing to continue living with the burden of this memory. Even though this is a painful memory, even though this memory makes my heart ache. Sometimes I almost want to ask God to let me forget this memory. But as long as I try to be strong and not run away, doing my best, there will finally be someday...there will be finally be someday I can overcome this painful memory. I believe I can. I believe I can do it. There is no memory that can be forgotten, there is not that kind of memory. Always in my heart.” 

So one day, I will be strong enough that these certain memories won't hurt me and I'll be able to look back on them and be glad that I have them. That's what I believe.