title ;

The title 'Would You?' is really common. I don't really understand what the title has to do with the story though. So far, I don't see any connection.

 

description & foreword ;

Your description is quite cliche'd. Cliche's okay though. But besides that, your tenses. You have your tenses mixed up in some sentences.

"You meet two guys at the same time, and they make your heart beat skipped everytime you are with them. Let's say this is a love triangle. And you will end up with someone who you really love, but your relationship will not run smoothly because there will be a big problem that you are facing in the future."

I'm guessing you want it to be in past tense, reading your chapters. So it should be like this:

You met two guys at the same time, and they made your heart skip everytime they were around.

Let's call this a love triangle.

And you will end up with the one you really love-- but your relationship will not be all sunshine and rainbows, because there will be a problem you will face in the future

[Or use problems and remove the 'a' if 'you' are going to face more than one-- but I'm sure you know that]

Ah, and then there was that little sneak-peek in your description.

" "Leave me, we're not destined to be together" You said while crying hard.
"Don't ask me to! I'll never leave you. Not even" He said as he holding your hands tightly.
"Don't act like this.... This will make me hard to let you go" You cried.
"Then don't!" He shouted."

Now, correcting it, it would be:

"Leave me. We're not destined to be together," you mumbled while you continued to cry hard.
"Don't ask me to! I'll never leave you. Not ever," he said, holding your hands tightly.
"Don't be like this..." you cried. "You're making it harder to let you go."
"Then don't!" he yelled ['shouted' is a good word too, but I think 'yelled' would be better].

Your foreword was filled with the characters, but that's fine, with your foreword practically with your description. Also, you added information on them, which is a good thing. :3

However, there were many mistakes I could pick up in there, but English isn't your first language so I totally understand. :3

"She's a innocenct girl who included in love triangle since her arrival in Korea."
"She's an innocent girl who was trapped in a love triangle ever since her arrival in Korea."

I'm sure the innocent part was a typo, but the rest, they would be better than the part you had written out. I'm not really sure if it sounds right, as I tried my best to make it as similar as possible to your own sentence. And an 'a' is needed before 'love triangle' as it is a noun.

"She's become EXO's sister and she has a bestfriend named Yo Mira who also involved in Hye Mi's love story."
"She became EXO's sister, and has a best friend by the name of Yo Mira, who also gets involved in Hye Mi's love story."

'She's become' doesn't really fit the sentence [well to me //shot] so using 'she became' would be better. You also don't have to repeat 'she' in the sentence because Hye Mi is still the subject of the sentence. 'Best friend' is also two words, not one. ^u^ Maybe you should turn spell check on [ABC with a tick at the bottom and a dropdown arrow beside it].

"He's a cold boy toward a new people but in fact he's a kind boy, a flower boy in his school, part of EXO who are the kingka."
"He's cold towards strangers, but in fact he's a kind person. Luhan is a flower boy in his school, and is also part of EXO, who are the kingkas."

You used boy three times in the same sentence. Try not to repeat words too many times in one sentence as it ruins the flow of it. 'New people' can be replaced with 'strangers'. Also, the sentence is too long, so cut it into half. I also used 'Luhan' because repeating the word 'he' can make your readers bored. EXO is a group of boys, so you should probably use 'kingkas', but I'm not so sure as it isn't an English word. 
Also, in the last sentence of Luhan's info, 'he will do anything to get what he wants."

"She has a kind heart. She had a crush on Kai but will end up with someone else *will reveal in the story*."
"She has a kind heart, and has a crush on Kai."

You probably shouldn't reveal too much. Shhh~~ xD The sentences would be too short if I left them in your format, so I connected them together. 83

"The three maknes are 17 years old and the rest will be 18 years old. They're your so-called-brother, they'll do anything to protect you."
"The three maknaes are 17, and the rest are 18. They're your so-called brothers and will do anything to protect you."

'Maknae' is usually spelt like I had spelt it, mainly because 'maknae' [막내] and 'neh' [네- it means 'yes', just for in case]. See the difference? o3o Make sense? No? No? Okay. ;-; You don't need to add the 'years old' part, or if you want to, just type '17 years old, and the rest are 18.' The 'will be' should not be used in there, as it is future tense; like 'I will be 50 in 2 years' [just an example; I'm not 48 orz] You also need to add an 's' to 'brother' because you are referring to more than one person.

 

plot ;

It wasn't a very original plot- it was a cliche one, but you did pretty well. You followed it all throughout, and gave both male candidates an equal amount of time spent with the main girl.

However, what part does Sehun play in the plot that makes him important enough to recite his past?

 

flow ;

Your flow was good. I can see her relationship with Luhan getting stronger, as with Kai.

 

characterisation ;

I couldn't really understand Luhan's character very well. He treated Hye Mi like she was a nuisance to his life; he yelled at her, shoved her, all that, but then later, his personality just turns one-eighty and he shrugs off his treatment to her as 'a test' and he's all nice to her. I'd really expect that he'd slowly soften up to her instead of making it a test.

Kai was good, however. His personality was constant, calling Hye Mi cute at every chance he gets.

Hye Mi's character stayed the same. :3

 

layout ;

Your chapter titles are very pretty. But maybe you should place a space between the '℘​' and 'c'. It'd look neater.

However, I didn't like how you had huge paragraphs. It's a pet peeve of mine, unless they're descriptive and stuff.

Plus, dialogue should be placed on different lines. Every time someone speaks, go to the next line. Every time another person speaks, go to a different line.

Reading on, I saw the 'your pov' part. Maybe you should use only one colour for it, because to me, it doesn't really look right? xc

When  you wrote the texting part, I think it would be best to do as everyone does.

"From; Hye Mi
To; Jess
-message message-"

or:

"To; Jess
-message message-"

Also, the colours weren't really pleasant to the eyes, and Jess' colour was inconsistent.

 

grammar & punctuation ;

Many. Many many. Many many problems. Your phrasing, choice of words, tenses... They're not right. There were times when I had to stare at the sentences and wonder what you were trying to convey. You also used an excessive amount of full stops- I know you want to drag the dialogue out [or whatever it's meant to be called], but you should use only a maximum of three dots. No more, otherwise it'd look unprofessional.

Also, don't text-type. You should never use text-type ever in a story. I'm sure you wouldn't write them in your essays and stories for school right? It's highly unprofessional. If it was a message [email, phone text, letter, etc.], it would be fine, but it's not. It was a thought.

Just corrections from here.

Chapter 1:

'Mom was taking care of all your needs for it to Korea. This is all for the good of you, dear'. You threw yourself into your bed, you closed your eyes and let out a sigh. You know your mother is saying whatever you cannot turn it down. Tomorrow you have to go to Korea. "Ahh, I will miss my room, Jessie, Miranda, and ... Oh my gosh!!". You forgot to tell your friends about your sudden departure tomorrow. 'Guys, I'm sorry to tell you about this. Tomorrow I'll go to Korea and stay there. Goodbye. I love you'. you sent messages to your friends, you sighed again and you fell asleep.

'Mom is taking care of all your needs for Korea. This is for your own good, dear'.

You threw yourself onto your bed, eyes closed as you let out a sigh. You knew you couldn't go against your mother's words. Tomorrow, you had to leave for Korea.

"Ah, I will miss my room, and Jessie, and Miranda, and... Oh my gosh!"

You had forgotten to tell your friends about your sudden departure tomorrow.

'Guys, I'm sorry to tell you about this only now. Tomorrow I'll be leaving for Korea forever. Goodbye. I love you.'

You sent the message to your friends, and sighed again before falling asleep.

The next morning, your mom took you to the airport. You were very sad to have to leave the place that was very precious to you and went to the very place you hate. Well, you had a bad experience in Korea. Korea was the birthplace of you, once you really love Korea, you really like the landscape, like all things that exist in Korea. It was not until what happened in your life. Bad things always happen to you during your stay in Korea. Your sister died of a car accident, your parents were having an affair, you always be bullied when you were still the primary school, and the worst moment was your family go bankrupt because your Father's corruption and lead to you and your mother had to lose all your possessions. Since the incident, you and your mother went to America and lived there. Lucky, your mother was the heiress of a large company there. So you were making a new life there with sufficient economy.

The next morning, your mom took you to the airport. You were sad to have to leave the place precious to you, only to go to the very place you hated. Korea, to you, was a place of bad experiences. It was your birthplace, a place you had once loved so much- you loved the landscape, and everything that had to do with the country.

It wasn't until what had happened in your life when you began to hate it.

Bad things had often happened to you during your stays in Korea. Your sister was killed in a car accident; your parents had affairs; you were bullied in primary school; and the worst of all, was when your family went bankrupt due to your father's corruption [do you really mean corruption? or a failed business? or something else?], leading to the loss of everything in your mother's and your possession.

After the incident, you and your mother had left for America, and had stayed there ever since. After all, your mother, luckily, was the heiress of a large company there.

And that was the start of your new life.

You arrived in Korea. Your heart was starting to feels sick and memories about what happened to you in the past was repeating itself and makes you more miserable. You walked out of the airport and all of a sudden a man approximately his thirties touched your arm. "Do you Miss Go Hye Mi?". You looked up to see his face and put up confused. "Who are you? And, it's right i'm Go Hye Mi". He then smiles. "Introduce me, I'm Lee Hyun Jae, I got ordered from your mother for pick up and drop off you to the apartment". "Okay". You then walked followed him.

Finally, you had arrived in Korea. You were starting to feel sick and your heart sunk as memories of your past flashed by you, making you feel more miserable.

You walked out of the airport and a man around his thirties touched your arm.

"Are you Miss Go Hye Mi?"

You looked up at him, puzzled. "Yes, that's right. I'm Go Hye Mi... Who are you?"

The man smiled. "I'm Lee Hyun Jae. Your mother ordered me to take you to your apartment."

"Oh," you mumbled before trailing behind him.

 As long as you just closed your eyes along the way but you can't sleep, you just didn't want to see Korea. Each of you saw the scenery outside the window, you will be reminded by the incident. You felt the car had stopped, you open your eyes and see he has been open your the doors of the car. You gave him a small smile and walked into the apartment.

You had your eyes closed throughout the entire trip to your apartment although you weren't trying to sleep; you just didn't want to see Korea. Everything you saw through the window reminded you of the incident.

The car came to a stop, and reluctantly, you opened your eyes to see that your driver had opened the door for you.

You gave him a small smile before walking into your new home.

You enter the apartment and putting up a security code. And, you went straight to your room, smiles looked on your face. You love to see your room, purple is the favorite color of you, and you pick up your phone and call your mother.

You entered the apartment, inputting a new security code right after. A smile was on your face when you saw your room; it's purple, your favourite colour. Your phone was instantly in your hands as you keyed in your mother's number.

"Mom, I've got an apartment". You threw your body into bed.
"Thank goodness you've arrived safely. Mom had really missed you, I felt lonely".
"I miss you too, Mom. You should come here to see me"

"Mom, I'm at the apartment," you said as you dropped yourself onto the bed.

"Thank goodness you arrived safely. Mom really misses you."

"I miss you too, Mom. You should come here to see me."

"Mom will be there soon. Oh, tomorrow you've got school. Your uniform in the wardrobe and all the letters you   need for the school I have been set up on the table". You saw the envelope on the table and sighed. "Now is   the time you sleep. Good night dear, I love you". 

"Mom will be there soon. Oh, and you've got school tomorrow. Your uniform is in the wardrobe and the letter for the school is on the table."

You saw the envelope on the table and sighed.

"And it's bedtime for you now. Good night, dear. I love you."

"I love you too. Good night mom". You threw your handphone along with you, and stand up to take a shower. 'Tomorrow will be a long day'.

"I love you too. Good night, Mom."

You hung up, throwing the phone on the bed and stood to take a shower.

'Tomorrow's gonna be a long day.'

 

Phew, that took a while...

 

overall enjoyment ;

I'm sorry to say this, but truthfully, I did not enjoy your fiction very much. I scanned through it most of the time. It's mainly because of your word choices though. But I don't blame you. Your story could be a whole lot better. It's pretty good for someone who isn't FLE, and it's great that you're working on your English by posting here on AFF and even getting a review ^o^

Read some more books, learn your basics, keep a dictionary and thesaurus nearby [don't forget to check some thesaurus words out before using them! they can be the wrong words to use at times]. You could also get a handful [two or three maybe] beta-readers, or even a co-author. :3

You're doing well, with all the upvotes you got, so don't be discouraged to continue writing by my personal opinion of your fic. x3

Keep on fighting! >3<