Okay so if u didnt guess by the title this is a rant

Warning: this is emotional. as .

NOW

Before I start, I would just like to point out that I am officially the human flesh of grumpy cat at the moment, because of the pencillin (which, side noted, doesnt stay in my stomache for long) and the infection. Death seems too sweet at the moment. 

Having said that, I think Im privlaged to a little emotional unstableness now.

Which brings me to my point.

About guys.

And what s they are. 

Now, I'm not saying that they all are. Im not about to title the entire male population as "s" just because ONE GUY is one. I'm not that kinda person. not yet

But seriously? Some people - this ONE GUY im about to rant about - is only in this world because the ing universe puked it out when God was looking the other direction I swear down.

SO. This guy. Lets call him... Jim. Yeah. 

Context: Old childhood friends. Friends for 2 years between ages 8-9, in sweden. I moved to the other side of the world, didnt speak for 5 years.

5 years later, I found him on facebook.

And thus: the biggest mistake of my ing life

I added him. 

God help me, I just wanted the friendship.

Did you get that? Ill say that again: JUST the friendship.

Now, I was already with a guy at the time (turns out, he was an too, but thats another story), and he, Jim, was going through family , which I helped him with. Emotional support, a shoulder to lean on, all that kind of .

At this point, I was in England, and him in sweden. 

Fast forward a few years, and we start a distance-realationship. We met up in sweden once and kissed. 

Now, this guy, this Jim, was pretty eager to get into my pants. I wasn't ready (s sake I was 15) and I wanted to wait. 

And honestly, combined with the reason that he was trying to tie me down on a leash and control my life from 848 miles away, this was, undeniably, one of the major reason we broke up (I was 16)

I ignored him for a long while, until June 2013, where we took contact with each other. 

Now: I KNEW at this point he had got together with a girl 2 weeks after we broke up, and this is after having, without missing a heartbeat, told me over and over and over and over again that I was (and i ing quote): "You're the love of my life" "I could never be with anyone else" "you're the one for me". 

Oh, and I knew that him and his girl had slept together.

And despite this, 

Despite this,

I still talked to him.

I know, I know. 

Anyway. They broke up. Things were fine for a while. We were "friends". Sorta. 

He told me over and over and over again how he hated being with his girl, how he regretted sleeping with her and how much he missed me, loved me, wanted me.

I'm lonely, okay? I fell for it.

Not because I felt the same way! No, no.

But... I liked someone caring.

I liked being loved.

Even if I knew I was never going to feel the same. 

sue me.

So fast forward to the last months of last year, and I decided to break up with him AS A FRIEND. 

Why? Because we wanted different things from another:

He wanted a relationship.

I wanted friendship. 

Its like oil and water: it aint gonna work. 

Its a sad, cold, hard fact. 

I didn't yell.

I didn't scream.

I didn't pull the blame game.

I was mature, rational and formal. 

It ended on okay notes.

But at least, We both walked away with lessons:

I learned that words are nothing if actions and decisions contradict. 

I learned to distinguish between love and obsession (which is, tbh, what it was, on his behalf)

And Jim? 

He walked away knowing that dating his ex was wrong, and that that choice alone was the reason him and me wouldnt work, friends or anyways. 

Or at least so I ing thought.

Turns out, we quit talking a month ago or so, and he's already dating (and ing) another girl. 

Am I sad that he has found someone else? No.

Do I feel bad for his new girl? Oh yes. 

Am I angry over him letting his fake nothings get to me once again? No. 

So why am I upset? 

Because, after all that heartbreak on both halves, after the sleepless nights and shouting to each other over skype, after blaming and hating and screaming at each other how much we wish that the other wasn't alive, or in their life, 

He has learned nothing.

Jack. . 

All that energy - not to mention tears - ...

Wasted. 

See, I still sit here and feel guilty at times, 

even when i KNOW i shouldn't, 

when I KNOW its wrong, 

I do. 

Because im just that ing sensitive.

I don't want to be with him.

I don't even want to see him ing again.

I've found someone else, and so far, its great. Theres no jealousy or anything, trust me. 

It just pisses me off SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much 

that he will never realise. 

That he'll never learn.

That he'll never understand WHY things ed up.

And most of all,

That he'll never admit to him being a reason it did. 

I was too, not gonna lie. 

But he will always see him self in the right, always see me as the reason things ed up.

And I hate that.

So much. 

That feels like a thorn right in my heart. 

and I can't pull it out.

And there's absolutly nothing I can do about it.

Not now not ever. 

So yeah...

*sigh*

A reward if you read this far!

Moral of this ?

We could be so much productive if we learned from our mistakes, and wern't so busy denying them.

I just really don't know anymore... I feel like I just shared my soul and heart here. I'm still unsure whether I'll actually press "save post" here. 

Please leave a comment and just say... Anything. A smiley. A relateble story. Just something. 

I hate feeling like I do right now. 

Because I know he doesn't feel the same. 

And I know that I have someone else, who's great and takes care of me and treats me the way that a guy should... 

And thus, despite this, despite everything,

...

Why arn't I happy?