I am very sure that im still young to understand the feeling of being in love. So, i cant surely tell what am i feeling right now. Apparently, my world had turned upside down when i met this one guy online. I was sure he was just playing with me and it was my fault that i put my hopes too high. But right now, im talking about reality. This first guy, let's say his name is Ai. I like Ai since last year and we shared a lot of romantic moments together. But that year, i kept in mind that my friend likes him. Thus, they've been friends since they were kids. Im just a stranger who came and approached him unexpectedly. We are classmates. Until now. Last year was a fun year. I had never experienced anything like that from a guy. He made me felt so happy and that ticklish feelings. I dont know how to describe it but it was delightful. Awesome. So, i secretly like him and i dont know whether he likes me or not. And recently, i found out that he already had a crush which is this one girl that is one year younger than us. I admit. Im not pretty at all and i am perfectly imperfect. I hv nothing rlly. I dont even have money. Im not rich but he is. I was a bit down because of that news but still, here i am, acting all giddy in front of him. Its just weird that he still treats me the same way except this year he always wink and secretly smirk at me. I know i sound pathetic but.. . I dont know. The rumors spread really fast and wide. (like seriously, almost everyone in my gred know about it. ) well, i guess he was just playing with me,right? Can u answer this? Second, i have a massive crush on Kris. Yes. That dude from EXO. This is like any other fangirls' feelings but for me Kris is different. I didnt like him like i like other k-idols. NO. He somehow gives me the strength to live. I know that he wouldnt even know about this but he did. Thrice. For the past weeks, i've been so devastated that i feel like killing myself. (thats why i update my story very slow) i somehow revealed a lot of secrets that i shouldnt know and now here i am. Complaining. So this Kris dude saved me. It was that day when i began to take pills and such i stopped listening to EXO and started to listen some really slow and sad songs. I was on my third day i guess, i swallowed a handful pills but then i forgot to stop the shuffle mode on my phone and 'baby dont cry' (chinese version) was on. I just laughed bitterly and swallowed it. I came back on my sense when Kris was rapping. But then i realize, why am i doing this? I shouldnt kill myself. Not after i meet Kris. You see, i have this fangirl dream of mine to see kris and send him my fan letter. I had always dream of that every night and let's just say, that picasso is my medicine. He helped me got through a lot. Everytime i look at his picture, everytime i re-read all those threats that sasaeng fans gave to him, i felt that he's way Stronger than me. So why cant i be like him? I want to meet him in real life at least once. I want to say thank you to him even though he wouldnt hear it. I want to give the sweetest most painful smile to him. Out of all the above, i just want to thank him for saving my life. Well, i almost meet him. At MTV world stage. But then, something happened and i cant go. Despite that i wasted all of money and energy to win those bloody tickets, she still insist that i MUST NOT go. I bought two tickets. One for my best friend. At least she's happy that she met Kris and EXO. I admit, i was jealous and heart broken. I cried the whole.night. I thought that was the time where i can say thank you at least. But nope. Reality hit me in the face. After that day, i had always cursed at Kris whenever i saw his picture. I blame him for making cried all night but then i realize; it wasnt his fault. It was my fault. I didnt try my best. No, im not a sasaeng fan. I dont even want to lay a finger on Kris if he doesnt want it. I respect him. I had always do and always will. Later, now, my mom stole all my entertaiments. She didnt let me to watc TV but at least i have internet. Thanks to my grandma. Apparently, im losing my mind and cant even think straight. Other than grandma, there's this one kind girl that i met (which is my friend's friend). We talked about random stuff and led to EXO. I told her that i couldnt go to mtv world stage. I really want to thank her and cry on my knees in front of her. She somehow got the members' signature (4 pictures from each members). She was so nice that she said she wanted to give me one of Kris'. U dont know how happy i was and still am. I can at least keep something that HE already TOUCHED it. Instead of fangirling that time, i cried my heart out. I guess i can at least stay even stronger with that thing around. If she lie, im just going to stay calm and hope for the best. I barely have anything right now. Even my friends are bored with me. I guess some of u think so too. I have no.one to talk and im lonely. I want to send that letter to Kris but im just scared it wont reach him. Maybe SM decided to burn all fan letters. Who knows? So, i want to give it with my own hands. Thank you for reading and if you commented, i really appreciate it. I know there's a lot more people having even rougher time than me. I guess someone can actually change you. And for me, its Kris. Wu Yifan. That idiotic cute little dragon.