i just want to let it go. here goes nothing. 

i am so tired of being picked on. being bullied. being tormented. i am mentally unhealthy, i know. they said i am getting better but sometimes, i just pretend that i am okay so no one would expect that i am getting worst. the thing is about being strong is that you suffer alone. nobody will notice your well-being. i have so many scars, i dont really cover it but no one asked me. no one pay attention to it because they know i am strong enough to endure it. to be okay. being okay is not even me anymore. everyday, i cried at school. in class, in the dormitory, while i am playing softball, while i'm showering. i cried alot. 

i cried about so many things. i don't even know which one anymore.

i admit.. i was ignorant. i told everyone i hate kpop. i wanted to start a new life. i like something heavy. rock. bands. those things just made me worst. i end up being here again. finding my peace. i am scared to go back to boarding school as i know, i am emotionally unstable yet i couldn't speak it out loud. i can only write. this is the only way i could actually express myself. i am not a great speaker but i am friendly. however, there, my friends are mostly guys so i got attacked by the girls. they kept on saying i shouldn't talk with guys. this is the thing, they told me to not talk to the boys but mostly the girls won't talk to me either. only the guys. how?

let's talk about peer pressure. i am not smart. i am the dumbest out of all of them. it's not that i can't excel but nothing seems to make me move. i just wish to die everyday. i am sitting for my SPM this year, which is very important. if i fail, i may fail in life. if i fail in life, i might as well just kill myself for good. and i also like this one boy named Ameer. he's nice and what not. we used to be close until the girls attacked us. attacked me. spreading rumors. and now we dont even talk anymore. i have issues with these people. my classmattes. i dont even want to start about it. i am just heartbroken over everything. 

i have to find my spirit before trial comes. and trial is just around the corner. for now, i try to get back to EXO. to Lay. i lost Kris.. i hope i wont lose little Yixing too. thinking about kris make me tear up again.i know it's just a fangirl feeling but loving Kris was very special. he was special in my life. now, no one is special anymore. how could a man who never seen nor knowme could save my life? insane. but that happened. 

i am trying hard to survive. to stay alive. no one notice it but i am trying very hard. recently, i met this boy name Aidi and he is nice. well, he understood. maybe. i dont know if he is pretending but i hope not. i really hope so. 

i really do miss my old school. my old classmates. my old self. i am going to try once again. 

please pray that i will succed... 

i want to live. i am searching the reason for me to stay alive.