--woaiexo
Review: Flower Child
story by woaiexo
»Originality {Have I reave something similar to it? Is the idea very well-thought out? Is the plot something new?} -/30
- Totally original! I loved your ideas and I have never read a story like yours before.
Overall points: 30
»Grammar {Does this need explanation...?} -/30
I found a couple of minor grammar mistakes throughout your story... Nothing big, just a few spelling mistakes or whatnot.
Description
- What you wrote: "A friend... tansformed from a flower?"
Correction: "A friend... transformed from a flower?"
Forward
- What you wrote: "She moved her body nearer to a white flower."
Correction: "She moved her body closer to a white flower" (What you wrote makes sense too, but closer just sounds a little better.)
- What you wrote: "She almost dropped the spoon in her hand, as her eyes laid on the boy that was standing behind her daughter."
Correction: "She almost dropped the spoon in her hand, as she laid her eyes on the boy that was standing behind her daughter."
- What you wrote: "Their mom casted an uncertain look at Yoonhae."
Correction: "Their mom cast an uncertain look at Yoonhae."
- What you wrote: " 'That means your connect should be as tight as ours,' he told them, as he grabbed and held onto Minhae's hand."
Correction: " 'That means your connection should be as tight as ours,' he told them, as he grabbed Minhae's hand.
- What you wrote: " 'Neh! It's really cool.' "
Correction: " 'Mmm! It's really cool.' " ("Neh" is the formal way of saying yes, and since Luhan is basically the same age as Yoonhae and because they're friends, it's awkward if she speaks formally to him. I think you should take out all of the Korean expressions out of your story, like 'jinjja' and 'araso.' Some people can't understand those expressions.)
Beginnings: 2
- What you wrote: "Dayoung, didn't realize it. She wrapped your hands around Luhan's arm."
Correction: "Nayoung, not realizing this, wrapped her hands around Luhan's arm."
Beginnings: 4
- What you wrote: "The classmate was Kim Yejin, and she a smirk on her face."
Correction: "The classmate was Kim Yejin, and she had a smirk on her face."
- What you wrote: "She sank down onto the concrete, and waited for someone to open the door, so she could get in as well."
Correction: "She plopped down on the concrete, and waited for someone to open the door so she could get in." (Since it's concrete, no one can really "sink" into it. "Plopped" is a better word, but if you don't like it, you can just use "sat.")
- What you wrote: "Good, now go into your room, and start your homeworks."
Correction: "Good. Now go into your room and start your homework."
- What you wrote: "Even though Yoonhae knew that Luhan couldn't speak, but the hug counted for it all."
Correction: "Yoonhae knew that Luhan couldn't speak, but the hug counted for it all."
- What you wrote: "She was glad that he didn't take the precaution to think that if he did this, the maybe Yoonhae might get sick too."
Correction: "She was glad that he didn't take the precaution to think that if he did this, then maybe Yoonhae might get sick too."
Beginnings: 5
- What you wrote: " 'Why do you leech to Luhan oppa anyways?' Yejin asked snobbishly, as she glared at her."
Correction: " 'Why do you leech off Luhan oppa anyways?' Yejin asked snobbishly, as she glared at her."
- What you wrote: "You wouldn't think that ten year olds would this this, right?"
Correction: "You wouldn't think that ten year olds would do things like this, right?"
- What you wrote: " 'Really?' he said, his voice oozing in a skeptical tone."
Correction: " 'Really?' he said, his voice layered with suspicion." (There are different ways to put it, but this was the only one I could think of.)
- What you wrote: "He held the straps of his back pack tightly, and looked amung the the crowd for Yoonhae."
Correction: "He held the straps of his back pack tightly, looking among the crowd for Yoonhae."
- What you wrote: "As soon as he saw Yoonhae exit the doors, he immediately walked over to her."
Correction: "As soon as he saw Yoonhae exit through the doors, he walked over to her." ("Immediately" means the same thing as "As soon as he saw Yoonhae exit through the doors," so there's no reason to put both.)
Middle: 2
- What you wrote: " 'Sure! But expect your sorry behind to lose after you trip onto your sorry again,' Luhan told him playfully."
Correction: " 'Sure! But expect your sorry behind to lose after you fall on your again,' Luhan said playfully. "
- What you wrote: " 'You got guts kid. Join the soccer team! You are pretty good for a freshie.' "
Correction: You've got guts, kid. Join the soccer team! You are pretty good for a freshie.' " (I looove the word freshie! XD)
- What you wrote: "Yoonhae grinned, and began to thier favorite saying."
Correction: "Yoonhae grinned, and began their favorite saying."
Middle: 3
- What you wrote: "Yoonhae opened for locker, and sighed."
Correction: "Yoonhae opened her locker and sighed."
Middle: 5
- What you wrote: "Sehun sighed disappointedly for the nth time, and placed his head in his hands."
Correction: "Sehun sighed disappointedly for the umpteenth (?), and placed his head in his hands."
- What you wrote: " 'Where are we going?' Luhan asked, as put his books in his bag."
Correction: " 'Where are we going?' Luhan asked, as he put his books in his bag."
Middle: 6
- What you wrote: " 'Same here mom. I'll miss you more than I ever thought I would.' Yoonhae replied, sighing after she said it."
Correction: " 'Same here mom. I'll miss you so much.' Yoonhae replied, sighing."
- What you wrote: " 'Don't worry, I will mom! It's just a week stay afterall.' "
Correction: " 'Don't worry, I won't change my mind. It's only a week's stay.' "
- What you wrote: "She rapped the door three times, before it opened."
Correction: "She rapped on the door three times before it opened."
- What you wrote: " 'I knew my secretary was being a lazy .' Zhu Hua muttered bitterly, before making a mental note to scold his secretary when he gets back to the heavens and into his office."
Correction: " 'I knew my secretary was being a lazy .' Zhu Hua muttered bitterly, and made a mental note to scold his secretary when he got back to the heavens and his office."
- What you wrote: " 'The purpose of you turning into a human by Yoonhae, was for you to protect her for the rest of your life.' "
Correction: " 'The purpose of you being turned into a human by Yoonhae was so you could protect her for the rest of your life.' "
- What you wrote: "Luhan confused look vanished, as a feeling of guiltiness engulfed him."
Correction: "Luhan's confused look vanished as a feeling of guilt engulfed him."
End: 1
- What you wrote: "She bit her lip, as her face was facing her grandmother."
Correction: "She bit her lip as she faced her grandmother."
- What you wrote: "Thoughts run through Luhan's mind, before one stopped and punched him in the face."
Correction: "Thoughts ran through Luhan's mind, before one stopped and punched him in the face."
End: 2
- What you wrote: " 'Yes. But just for you. One week to tell everyone you're aquatinted with that you're leaving - to China that is.' "
Correction: " 'Yes, but just for you. One week to tell everyone you're acquainted with that you're leaving - to China, that is.' "
End: 3
- What you wrote: " 'Wait... Luhan?' Jongin asked, as he realize that it was Luhan who had bumped into Minseok."
Correction: " 'Wait... Luhan?' Jongin asked, as he realized it was Luhan who had bumped into Minseok."
- What you wrote: "Jongin nodded his head, and smile."
Correction: "Jonging nodded his head, and smiled."
End: 4
- What you wrote: "She was going to have a bunch more homework when she gets back, but she could at least try to do the homework that was due today."
Correction: "She was going to have a bunch more homework when she got back, but she could at least try to do the homework that was due today."
End: 5
- What you wrote: " 'I'll go out for a walk, okay Grandmother?' Yoonhae asked, her hand gripped tightly on the doorknob."
Correction: " 'I'll go out for a walk, okay Grandmother?' Yoonhae asked, her hand tightly gripping the doorknob."
- What you wrote: "It's been 3 days since she's been at her grandmother's."
Correction: "It'd been 3 days since she'd arrived at her grandmother's."
- What you wrote: "She was relieved to breath the fresh, cold air for once."
Correction: "She was relieved to breathe the fresh, cold air for once."
End: 6
- What you wrote: " 'I wanted to say i'm sorry,' Luhan stated, before looking intently at her."
Correction: " 'I wanted to say that I'm sorry,' Luhan stated, before looking intently at her."
- What you wrote: "Has he always felt this way about Yoonhae?"
Correction: "Had he always felt this way about Yoonhae?"
End: 7
- What you wrote: "He'd do anything for take back his freshman year."
Correction: "He'd do anything to take back his freshman year."
- What you wrote: "She missed his touch, his hugs, even his scent."
Correction: "She'd missed his touch, his hugs, even his scent."
- What you wrote: "She desperately wanted this moment to happen, but she didn't know that it would come true."
Correction: "She'd desperately wanted this moment to happen, but she didn't know that it would come true."
- What you wrote: "Her heart beat a bit faster, almost louder that it usually is."
Correction: "Her heart beat a bit faster, almost louder that it usually did."
End: 8
- What you wrote: "Might as well make the best out of it."
Correction: "Might as well make the best of it."
- What you wrote: "If anything, Luhan knew that when Zhu Hua told him that he had one more week, he knew that he would only have til' friday; for a flower, the weeks end on fridays, and start on saturdays."
Correction: "If anything, Luhan knew that when Zhu Hua had told him that he had one more week, he would only have until Friday. For a flower, the weeks end on Fridays and start on Saturdays." (This sentence is kind of awkward. It's not very necessary in the story, so I think you should take it out if your can."
- What you wrote: " 'No, i'm not cold. Are you cold?' he asked her back."
Correction: " 'No, I'm not cold. Are you cold?' he asked back."
- What you wrote: " 'What would you want to do, if we only had one last day to spent together?' Luhan asked, biting his bottom lip."
Correction: " 'What would you want to do if we only had one last day to spend together?' Luhan asked, biting his bottom lip."
- What you wrote: " 'I think, i'd just like to stay like this Oppa.' "
Correction: " 'I think, I'd just like to stay like this, Oppa.' "
Final End: 1
- What you wrote: "She wandered into the kitchen, finding Sehun and her grandmother in deep conversion."
Correction: "She wandered into the kitchen, finding Sehun and her grandmother in deep conversation."
Final End: 2
- What you wrote: "An hour as passed, and Yoonhae can't seem to stop herself from wondering why Sehun has went back and forth from the kitchen to the bedroom, taking bottles of water and fruit and vegetables into the room."
Correction: "An hour had passed, and Yoonhae couldn't stop herself from wondering why Sehun was going back and forth from the kitchen to the bedroom, taking bottles of water and fruit and vegetables into the room."
- What you wrote: "She had already known about Luhan. Sehun told her everything - from Luhan being a flower, to now, she knows it all."
Correction: "She already knew about Luhan. Sehun had told her everything - from Luhan being a flower, to now, she knew it all."
- What you wrote: "All she knew, was it it felt right."
Correction: "All she knew was that it felt right."
Epilogue
- What you wrote: "It was the first time anyone had notice her again."
Correction: "It was the first time anyone noticed her again."
- What you wrote: "Bitter than she hadn't had any plastic done to her face."
Correction: "Bitter than she hadn't gotten any plastic surgery done to her face."
- What you wrote: "He had always wondered, what had Yoonhae done to make Luhan like her so much,"
Correction: "He had always wondered what Yoonhae had done to make Luhan like her so much."
- What you wrote: "Now that he was thinking back on Yoonhae, what happened to the cheery, smiley girl that Luhan adored anyways?"
Correction: "Now that he thought about Yoonhae, what had happened to the cheery, smiley girl that Luhan had adored anyways?"
- What you wrote: "He had forgotten one of his textbooks in a class, when he had to visit there for Professor Lee."
Correction: "He had forgotten one of his texbooks in a classroom when he had visited Professor Lee."
- What you wrote: "He made a promise to Luhan."
Correction: "He had made a promise to Luhan."
- What you wrote: "She positioned her ring to make her hit Yoonhae with the spikes on her ring."
Correction: "She positioned her ring to hit Yoonhae with the spikes."
- What you wrote: "She closed her eyes slowly, to look up at Yejin."
Correction: "She opened her eyes slowly and looked up at Yejin."
- What you wrote: "Yejin was frozen on spot."
Correction: "Yejin was frozen on the spot."
- What you wrote: "She exited out of the room, flustered about how Yoonhae always managed to get out of everything."
Correction: "She exited the room, frustrated that Yoonhae always managed to get out of everything."
- What you wrote: " 'Nothing. Just... got eat your lunch. The lunch block will end in about 20 mins.' "
Correction: "Nothing. Just go eat your lunch. The lunch block will end in about 20 mins.' "
- What you wrote: "A few weeks had past, and Yoonhae and Jongin had talked a bit everyday."
Correction: "A few weeks passed, and Yoonhae and Jonging talked a bit everyday."
- What you wrote: " 'Hold on, i'm checking.' "
Correction: " 'Hold on, I'm checking.' "
- What you wrote: "It had came."
Correction: "It had come."
- What you wrote: "I rather have a friend like you, who would survive silences with me and not get too close with me, then to have a friend that's really close to me, and ends up breaking my heart later."
Correction: "I'd rather have a friend like you, who would survive silences with me and not get too close to me than to have a friend that's really close and ends up breaking my heart later."
Those are all of the mistakes I could find... They were mainly about changing from past tense to present tense, or not capitalizing I's. So... yeah ^o^
Overall points: 20
»Characterization: {Are the characters relatable? Has the author taken time to devlop the characters?} -/15
- I really liked your characters. They were very well developed and unique. I think Luhan is a very realistic character, even though he is a flower. His character as a human was very relatable, and I think you pulled the whole "flower-to-human" thing off very nicely. It was a believable idea. I also like how we didn't know much about Jongin in the beginning or throughout the story, but his personality and character were revealed at the end. Awesome job!
Overall points: 14
»Vocabulary {Come on, quit using 5th grade adjectives...} -/10
Your vocabulary was good. You were very detailed throughout the whole story, so I didn't have any trouble understanding something. You are a very great writer!
Overall points: 10
»Development {In this catergory: title, dialogue, pacing, and overall how the story is brought together} -/15
I really like your title. "Flower Child." I can totally hear that in a movie trailer or something. It's a really, really great title. It catches peoples' attention and it relates to the story nicely. So good~ ^o^
- About dialogue: It was nice, funny at times and serious at times.
- I think the pacing was great too. The story is so good! I was rooting for Yoonhae and Luhan to stick it out and end up with eachother, but I love your ending as well. Your story is incredible! Great job!
Overall points: 14
Grade:
88/100
♠note: I really really really loved your story! I even subscribed :3 I think that the whole concept behind your story is very unique and awesome! I can't wait to read your sequel~ Sorry that I took so darned long, though. But great job! ^o^ ~KyuMin301
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