babexo
»Originality {Have I read something similar to it? Is the idea very well-thought out? Is the plot something new?} -/30
-To be honest I doubt I have read something like this just yet. Although, seeing people and them disappearing and then seeing them in dreams, it’s not a very new concept and it leads us to think this is a story with perhaps supernatural occurrences in it. But overall it’s a good story; you have clever and nice ideas which you can’t find in other stories like this.
Overall points: 27.
»Grammar {Does this need explanation...?} -/30
-Erm....your grammar does seem to have some problems. I’ll point out the mistakes for you.
-“Hyung did you copied the assignments?” it should be: “Hyung did you copy the assignments?”
-“How about the things that will bring tomorrow?” it should be “How about the things that we will bring tomorrow?”
-And I found myself sitting down the street with Himchan. According to the context of your line it should be: And I found myself sitting down on the street with Himchan.
-His hands reached to my shoulders and he holds it. We have a tense problem here. First you’re talking in past tense ‘reached’, then you’re suddenly doing present tense ‘holds’, the correct grammar is ‘held’.
-“Girl? Where? I did not saw a girl here!” it should be ‘see’ instead of ‘saw’.
-I think you have a typo here. ‘I think she got a crush on her’. Since you’re speaking in first person I think it should be ‘Looks like I got a crush on her’.
-They are sharing in one room for them to have shelter. This line sort of confuses me. I think the line should be more like. ‘They shared one room for shelter’.
-He yawn. It should be yawned.
- He pulled his blanket over him and get lie down. I feel like it should be: He pulled his blanket over him and lay down.
-he continues to murmur more as Zelo is irritated. Another confusing line for me. I can’t seem to understand what you’re saying by this line. So I’m guessing you should write: ‘He continued to murmur, irritating Zelo’.
-Overall I feel like you have the most problem with your past and present tenses.
Over all points: 24
»Characterisation {Are the characters relatable? Has the author taken time to develop the characters?} -/15
-Zelo’s character here is a very typical young boy character. Himchan plays a very common friend who doesn’t see what his friend saw. Zelo’s character is slightly vague and you can’t really understand him. His character is rather like a wave, one point he’s this, the nest point he’s that. Himchan plays a very nice no-nonsense-everything-has-a-scientifically-proved-reason character. Sulli’s character is the best character here so far, mysterious, beautiful, seemingly vibrant and playful. She definitely seems like a jumpy, fun and mysterious character.
Overall points: 13
»Vocabulary {Come on, quit using 5th grade adjectives...} -/10
-Your vocabulary so far is good. Since your story isn’t a very detailed story, it’s good that you don’t use too big words. Although some of the excellent vocabulary is placed in funny places.
Overall point: 8
»Development {In this category: title, dialogue, pacing, and overall how the story is brought together} -/15
-The title ‘Seeking Miss Choi’ is actually very original in and it will draw in the right type of readers for your story (unless your story is supernatural, I still haven’t figured if it’s supernatural or not). Seeking Miss Choi is an excellent and a stand out title.
-Dialogue is alright, it’s rather bumpy but it’s good.
-Sadly, the grammatical errors bugged me a lot. You have an issue with confusing your past, present and future tense. I’m sorry, I’m not usually like this but for some reason grammatical errors really annoy me.
Overall points: 14
Babexo:
86/100!
♠note: OK, this story has been reviewed by indiankpopcrazygirl, (I'm new so I haven't been added to staff yet), Your idea for the story is fresh and new and it's really inspiring! Your poster is also very nice! The only problem I had were your tense confusions. Aish! I'm saying that again! I'm sorry if that hurt you.......But anyhow, I think I'll subscribe to your story, it sounds interesting!
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