grimchuckler
Review: Spider
story by grimchuckler
»Originality {Have I read something similar to it? Is the idea very well-thought out? Is the plot something new?} -/30
- I can definitely say that I have never ever ever read a story like yours before. Baekhyun and an army of spiders. Can't get any more
original than that XD
Overall points: 30
»Grammar {Does this need explanation...?} -/30
There weren't any big mistakes that I could find, but there were a few small errors that I saw.
- "Shouting aloud with horror, I grabbed my encyclopedia - the nearest book I had - and slammed down, hard."
There are two mistakes that I see in that sentence.
Instead of "I grabbed my encyclopedia - the nearest book I had -" It should be, "I grabbed my encyclopedia - the first book I saw - "
Well, I'm not saying that it has to be that wording exactly, but it should be changed. It just seems a little weird as it is.
Also, instead of "and slammed down, hard." I think it would be a lot better if it was "and slammed it down, hard."
- "I had no need to be scared, though. They headed calmly out of my room, but still inside I was petrified."
I think it should be more like, "They had headed calmly out of my room. But still, on the inside, I was petrified."
It makes more sense that way.
- "I thought they were here for me, I realized with a sinking feeling in my stomach."
I'm not exactly sure what the big realization is: that the spiders are there to take his mother or that Baekhyun thought the spiders were there for him.
I think it's more of the first, so if that's the case, it would make more sense if it was "I thought they were here for me. But then I realized something, with a sinking feeling in my stomach."
There were a few spelling errors as well.
- What you wrote: Shouting aloud with horror, I grabbed my encyclopaedia..."
Correction: "Shouting aloud with horror, I grabbed my encyclopedia..."
- What you wrote: "WHen I removed it, eig furry legs were squashed to oblivion."
Correction: "When I removed it, eight furry legs were squashed to oblivion."
So those are all of the mistakes I found. Just fix those and you have an award winning short story~ ^o^
Overall points: 24
»Characterization: {Are the characters relatable? Has the author taken time to devlop the characters?} -/15
- Because your story was very short, you didn't have much time for character development. But I think I still have an idea of what kind of
person Baekhyun was. To me, he depicts a person of jumpy and loud character. That's just what I think, though :P Anyways, good job.
Overall points: 13
»Vocabulary {Come on, quit using 5th grade adjectives...} -/10
- With a story as short as yours, being detailed is very important. I think you did a very good job of using descriptive vocabulary.
Overall points: 10
»Development {In this catergory: title, dialogue, pacing, and overall how the story is brought together} -/15
- I think the story title could be a lot more descriptive or creative that just, "Spider." Sure, that sends a clear message, but I think it would
catch a lot more people's attention if it had more of a ring to it. With sixteen sentences, you were able to go through two days. The pacing was quite fine. Better than fine, actually. I like that it was more abrupt and to the point, whereas if you had gone to describe the rest of
Baekhyun's activities during those days, I would probably have been a little bored. I like the story a lot ^o^ It's good that you ended it with
that one line about Baekhyun's mother, because that gets the readers thinking about how the story will end. That lets our imaginations kick
in and we can decide how we want it to end. That technique always reels readers in and makes an effective ending. Good Job!
Overall points: 13
Grade:
90/100
♠note: I really liked your story! Even though it's shorter than what I'm used to, it was quite entertaining :D Sorry that I took so incredibly long with this review; I've been busy with end-of-the-year preparations. Nevertheless, you are an amazing writer! Awesome, awesome job! ~Kyumin301
Comments