Okay, so this is just a review of the first six chapters. I will try to do them in bunches of six, but since you devoted a chapter to explain your characters, I will do the first six now anyway, and count the character protion as a chapter. Be warned, I read this a few times before dissecting it with a fine toothed comb.

Chapter One:

There isn’t a lot to say here. Most authors give too much information about their characters in a bid to entice the readers, and they only succeed in giving away some of the plot. I am pleased to say, though, that you didn’t really fall into this trap. However, don’t write ‘rarely mentioned’ beside your characters. That is for the readers to discover as they read your story. You have already managed to give out hints about your story and therefore, some people will become disinterested.

Also, you don’t need to write ‘main guy’ in your character description. The reader will find out that information by:

1.     The tags

2.     The main image

3.     As the plot progresses

If you do not have the main characters tagged, or have them in your main graphic, the reader will enjoy discovering and guessing who they will be as the plot continues.

As well as that, you are best to put the cousins in order of the numbers. Perhaps Minho and Jonghyun can’t go together but you can always add it in. For example;

Cousin Number Two: Jonghyun, Minho’s bickering other half.

But, kudos to you for writing it so that the reader wants to read on and discover more about the easily likeable characters.

Chapter Two:

Min Seok’s POV:

I enjoyed the description at the start, but try and give some information about her surroundings outside, as well as a brief, simple description of her room so that the reader can picture it. We are left guessing about her father’s role in her life. Try and elaborate a little more in future chapters. Give meaningless details about her life i.e about her house and where it’s located, her friends and basically anything stupid so that it can be teased out, as it is a little short.

I enjoyed how she demeaned the story. You gave the impression that she either didn’t care about the news or else she wasn’t really interested in it. This was a nice point about her character.

I am left a little confused about how she was born genderless but she didn’t find out about this until she was seventeen. I am pretty sure that most people would know if they were. Maybe you could explain this in future chapters, just a clue or something that will give the reader a hint so that they will understand, maybe all people on EXO are born like that, or it was something that was changed, I’m not sure, but I’m sure you know yourself.

You said that her father divorced her mother and he didn’t know about Min Seok until she was five, maybe you could also explain how she feels about this, so that readers can identify with your characters.

Baekyun’s POV when he was 15:

I enjoyed this part. I liked how you implied that the father wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer and that Chen was reduced to publically expressing his opinions, leaving the crowd shocked and that the rest of EXO-M found pleasure in the breakdown of the court, and how angry their father got when he was embarrassed. You succeeded well in creating a villain in this short part.

However, if I had to criticise it, I would have to say that you should describe more. Again, give out seemingly small details so that your readers can picture it easily and it isn’t left entirely up to them to imagine the scene. Describe anything in this scene; the wall and floor colours, the size of the crowd; how Baekhyun could barely see his half-brothers over the heads of the enormous crowd, where EXO-K and Chen were standing and also were Hades was.

One part I liked a lot and which you related to well in the future parts was how Kris, Tao, Luhan, Xiumin and Lay were all outcasts.

Baekhyun’s POV aged 16:

I enjoyed this part as well. You showed the softer side to Baekhyun at the end, and how much he cared for his brothers, even though they were unaccepted in their society.

But, remember to remind your readers of where the characters are at that current mind. Just a simple line would do; I sighed inwardly to myself. We were back in this drab courtroom again.

One thing that your readers will find hard to read is the excessive use of exclamation and question marks. The first time I noticed it was in this line; ‘How could they be happy when they had become outlaws???????’ Instead of using all the question marks, try and show the shock through a simpler means, maybe a sentence showing his shock instead.

There are some pieces that I would need to have read your whole story to critique. I feel bad saying ‘elaborate in future chapters’ all the time, if maybe that was your intention in the first place and you are only trying to create suspense. But, one thing that will be best explained soon is the treaty and whether or not Heaven, Hell and are in the same galaxy as each other. I know that, whenever I think of Heaven and Hell, I think of the guy in the sky and the red guy down below. Just give a line or two in reference to this to prevent confusion.

I thought that the fact that you gave Kai the sin of Lust was a very nice move, and the fact he was shy and awkward about it was even better. I haven’t read many EXO fanfics, but in the ones I have read, Kai was always the guy who was kind of a sleaze bag, had many girlfriends and was very forward. So, the fact that he was embarrassed about it made me happy that you weren’t using the stereotypical EXO characters.

At the end of this chapter, I found myself intrigued to read on and untangle the plot.

Chapter Three:

Min Seok’s POV:

You bolded the name ‘Jonghyun; why? How is Min Seok experiencing life in either gender? How is she coping with the new shock? How long is it after she found out? How did she meet SHINee? Did she always know them? Details, please! Give a clue; I had only known them for week, and Jinki still wasn’t comfortable around me. Or for however long you want.

I must reiterate myself again, more descriptions are needed again. Describe the castle and the surroundings. Some authors just show a picture, but it’s more memorable when they read it. It is easier to picture in their heads. I just feel that most of this is left up to someone’s imagination, and remember, not all people have great imagination, and they might need a little assistance from the author. Even small details help a lot.

However, when you do describe things, you do so very well. You use some very good adjectives, and you are very good at describing, just practice a little so that it comes a habit. Write a paragraph of pure description with no plot at all, about your house, an alleyway, a graveyard, your school, anything. The skills will automatically be incorporated into your writing, and a much better and easier read will result.

Font size change is very distracting when it comes to reading, and the reader is momentarily pulled out of their trance and almost pushed back in. Bolding and using italics are okay, but try and not to change the font size or font (unless you are showing someone’s writing). It was a bit like show directions to me. Try to show rather than tell. Include it in conversation or as a thought.

I can already tell that you take advantage of the cliff hangers and you use them very well. I know that I, personally, am very keen to read on, a thing that I noticed whenever I got to the end of every single own of your chapters.

I also enjoyed the comparison that you drew with Min Seok’s father and EXO’s father. It made me think that they are very similar, and that they are perhaps very alike, except one was raised as a good leader and the other was raised as a bad leader.

Chapter Four:

I don’t have much to say about this chapter; more descriptions are needed again here. Don’t assume that your reader will already know about things. I was curious about the portals and how they work and what it feels like using one. Just give a few general pointers. There are a few grammar mistakes; ‘shut –up’ should be written as ‘shut up’, and ‘there’ should be ‘their’. By proof reading though, you will easily get rid of such mistakes.

Please put gifs and pictures at the end of the chapter. The reader is momentarily pulled out of the story and then has to find a way back in. Finally, what was Minho’s hand stuck to? All we know that his hand is stuck to something, his other hand maybe?

But, you made this a very humorous chapter, and we see a valiant side to Baekhyun and that he isn’t totally self-absorbed when he wants to save the woman on the T.V. He is also a little naïve and innocent which I immediately liked about him. He doesn’t only care about his brothers, but about complete strangers and Min Seok as well, when he hurts her. It seems he believes in paying back some one, and I think this is a very nice quality for him to have. He is a pure gentleman, and I hope that you will develop this further on, but not hurt the story line you created, as it is very unique and original and personally, I enjoy it.

The fact that you gave Taemin an individual story line was a very nice move, in my opinion. You made people curious about him, and I hope that that sub-plot will run smoothly alongside the main one.

Chapter Five:

You have no need to write Jinki (Onew). You have already told your readers, and they shouldn’t need a reminder. Again, describe the building. I was imagining a dingy, almost criminal-like place, but then I remembered that they had a princess and they wouldn’t allow her to stay like that.

You described the tension in the car very well, and I particularly enjoyed the sentence; ‘He felt himself being surrounded by the dense, overwhelming auras standing between his two immature brothers.’ It captured the scene perfectly and I could visualise it in my head, and I believe a congratulations are in order.

I very much enjoyed the ending. It showed that Min Seok had a character flaw, and that Key didn’t entirely trust her with the crown she would receive. He is sceptical of her decisions and has his doubts about her, and I liked that very much. It seems that the two will clash more often as the story progresses.

Chapter Six:

In this chapter, we had some comic relief, which I must applaud you for as it was very original. The scene was very creative, and also realistic in a sense that it would be easy for someone to do that if they had no exposure to these things before. You have also created something that you can draw on in future chapters. You can cause confusion and little accidents for the new characters.

However, because I went through it with a fine tooth comb, I noticed you made an error that you can easily correct; you forgot to add pause into your sentence, and instead wrote; A pregnant fell in the house as the Princess’s cousins peered at each other in mystification.

It is clear to me that you have a wide range of vocab and make good use of it. I hope to see more of this in the future. Most people need to expand their vocabulary, but I’m very glad to report that, at present, you have a wide range.

You over used exclamation marks in this chapter, Oh! My weak heart!!!! But, as I have already spoken about that in Baekhyun’s sixteen year old POV section, I won’t dwell on it too much; just point it out.

I feel that Baekhyun’s story jumped suddenly without the reader following all too well. He was suddenly a T.V star and I found myself going back to discover if I had missed a bit, which I hadn’t. I feel that this was a little sudden, and is definitely one of the things you need to give more information about in the up-coming chapters.

On the whole, I felt that the plot progressed nicely and it was very intriguing. You made a few errors, but I felt I needed to express them more in the first half of the review rather than the latter. Don’t be too discouraged by the things that I pointed out to you, as they can easily be rectified, and that you have the essentials, you just need to express yourself in certain areas (description and explanation), better.

I hope that you take this advice on board, and don’t think too badly of me for it. I think that you have a real page turner here, and a very enjoyable read.