I'm pretty sure that a lot of you guys now know what my dream is. In case you haven't, I really want to become an idol. I never intended to give it up but something happened the other night that made me want to.

I stopped listening to music two nights ago. I turned off my cellphone and stored it away in a box. I'm having all my SNS accounts temporarily unavailable. I'm just... giving up everything. I wanted to become a musician since I was young but  ever since then, my family had made it clear that I am not allowed to. They have stepped on it and just... destroyed it. Just when I thought I was going to stand up again, just when I have made my dream of becoming an idol the foundation of my life, the reason of my existence, the reason why I am still walking in this world; they decided to remind me of how hopeless I am.

Right now, I am taking up nursing for them. I may have told them that I can take up nursing but they never asked me if I was happy with my decision. They never asked me if I was really fine. They actually never really cared. But I endured it all. As long as I can perform, I know I can survive it. The other night, the have pulled me back down to that hell hole. The darkness where all I can think of is just ending everything. You know, thinking of ways on how to just escape from it and nothing but suicide enters my mind. I'm scared, really. I have never tried cutting but I'm on the verge of it. I hurt myself before, though. And the result was me staying at the hospital for 6 months and making my life even more miserable. I need help. I want to ask for help. But what can i do with my Dad the primary person who wants to kick me out of the house? What am I going to do if it's my dad who tells me that I am bringing the family nothing but shame? What am I going to do if the person I want to ask help from doesn't try to understand why I'm being like this? When can he realize that I am also dreaming? When I'm already in that box, lowering me down into that six-foot-deep hole?

They made it clear. They told me that I can never be an idol. That I just wanted to be one because I'm being delusional. They told me to stop living in my fictional world. They told me that my dream is nothing but child's play. I know this isn't the first time but they have completely destroyed my foundation. The took it away just like that.They told me that if I wanted to become an idol, they would, without a doubt, kick me out of the house and disown me. Because, for some reason, they think that what I am doing will just tarnish the family's perfect name.

They say that I was lucky to have someone spending on my college. I know I am. But they never asked me what my dream is. They just gave me limited choices. It's either I take up nursing (which is what I'm doing) or I don't study at all and they disown me. That's pretty much just my choice. I know it's rare to have opportunities like I had. I once let go of three scholarships at once, the money ranging from 40,000 to 50,000 pesos per semester. They were really disappointed. They said that I was ruining their images. That I have brought them shame. Now, my aunt is letting me take up college again, and she spends about 70,000 pesos per semester. I don't want to study, I told them that. And you know what I got in response? "If you don't want to study, then you better go live by yourself because I am not spending anything on you. Stop living off of us."

I don't want to make them sound rude. I know they're doing this for me too. But, can't they, even once, consider why I'm doing the things I do? Like, can't they just ask me why I was rebelling against them? Why I'm skipping classes? Why I keep lying to them? Why I keep spending money on myself?

Mybe I'm at fault too. I have let them become accustomed of the "perfect daughter" image that I have tried living for the past 17 years of my life. I did everything they wanted me to. I have forgotten about my dreams when I was younger. I let them plan my whole life. But I'm getting tired of it. I am getting tired of lving up to their expectations. I am tired of just following them around.

I would've been fine with my course. Really. Because, for some reason, I get the highest place in my classes even if I wasn't attending my classes. Maybe if I had perfect attendance, they would even let me accelerate. See? I would be fine with Nursing. What I'm hating right now is that they won't let me do what I want. They keep that tight collar around my neck. Even dogs hate it when they're being choked too much, right? Can you even imagine people being in that situation? If you do, then you're probably seeing me and my life right now.

I have one last performance that's happening on February 9/ I have that one last chance of proving to myself that I am not hopeless. I have one last chance to at least tell myself that I don't just bring shame into the family. That one day, they'll be proud of me too.

This might be the last blog for a while. It depends on what will happen on the 9th. If I lose, I'll be getting away from all things related to Kpop. I am actually one stap away from doing it. I will be keeping all my kpop stuff in a box and will stack it in the attic. That way, I can be able to forget about it faster, I hope.

Everything is just dark right now. I don't know what to do. I want to give up but at the same time I can't. Not with all the recognitions that I have received. But there's the family problem again. My perfect image keeps on battling with my rebellious image. Everything is a mess.

You know, I don't want to go back to the old me. I don't want to go back to being suicidal again. That me was so dark and I have that undescribable hate towards the world. I don't want to go back there. But the things that are happening right now just pushes me back to that dark side of me. I thought I have outshone that dark side. I thought I have killed that demon inside me. But I was wrong. It was waiting for the right time to attack again. And this time, it was stronger than before. Too strong that I'm afraid that I won't be able to overcome it. Too strong that I'm scared that it would keep me down forever. It's scary, really.