As a lot of you know, I haven't been able to write for the past few years under the excuse that I am focusing on college. And here I am now, 9 years later, finally done with my bachelor's. I have officially filed a request for my transcript and diploma. And I am still depressed.

I graduated Bachelor of Science in Nursing and that means I will have to take the licensure examination. It's getting near but I'm nowhere ready to take it. I have been stressed out and depressed and I have never felt so stupid before in my life. Even if it took me a long time to finish college, I have been well-known in my department to be the smart one, the talented one. But now that I'm mingling with other graduates from other schools, I have never felt so stupid. Even if I did have good examination results and a lot of people want to be tutored by me, I still feel like it's all pretense. Like I'm not really smart at all. Like I'm lower than average.

And my birthday is around the corner. And those who really know me (personally), know that I hate my birthday. And it's always around that time that I'm depressed and so not myself. It's a whole different story, maybe I'll post a blog about it. But yeah, I hate my birthday and I keep the exact date a secret from as much people as I can. Heck, even some of my close friends aren't really sure when my exact birthday is. But, yeah, it's around the corner and the closer it gets, the more anxious and depressed I get.

So given that, I cannot, for the life of me, focus on studying for my boards. I feel like I'm going really crazy (not the joking kind) and I am hating myself more and more for it. I hate myself because I can't seem to be normal. Everyone seems to be okay with everything in their lives and I envy them because their brains cope well with situations. I hate myself because I cannot seem to cope with the most trivial thing about me --- my birthday.

Anyway, since I am technically already a college graduate, I am honestly scared. What if I don't pass the board exams? What if I pass but don't top the board exams? My school (professors and schoolmates) and my family is expecting me to top the board exam because I'm the "smart" one. I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'll fail, that I'll disappoint again. I'm afraid that after almost a decade, I'd still end up disappointing everyone around me just like what I do every day. I'm terrified of failing this board exam. I am terrified that if I fail, I'd end up just killing myself (yes, I have the plans). I am terrified of myself, I am terrified of the future, and I hate myself.

I can't even celebrate my graduation. I'm too scared and depressed and anxious to celebrate. I want to celebrate, I want to have just one happy day. But my brain doesn't work like that. It won't let me. It won't let me focus on studying, it won't let me smile, it won't let me just have one moment of peace. I hate it, I hate myself. I know self-hatred is not going to help my situation but I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to cope. 

I know I should go to a therapist, and probably go back to my meds. But psych help is too expensive. I'm jobless and deep in debt. I can't afford to pay Php2,000/$40 per session, then an extra Php200-300/$4-5 for meds per day. It's too expensive. I want to go, I really do. I've never felt more awesome than when I was on antidepressants. But it's just too expensive.

It's just... I'm too depressed and anxious I don't know what to do anymore.