Haha. To all my subbies out there, I'm sorry I haven't been updating a lot. My life is really crazy right now. Being a high school junior while taking college classes it tough and I really don't have time for myself so I'm sorry that I couldn't update. Haha. I don't know how many times I said this but I'm an IB student and people don't usually know what that is but it's basically taking all AP classes (you would understand this if you live in the States) but way harder. So, sorry. I literally don't even have time to sleep right now. I end school, do clubs, come home at 5pm and stay locked up in my room doing hw until 1am-ish and have to wake up at 5am to go back to school so yea, that's my life. I guess that's my excuse right now to say why I haven't been doing a lot of the things I want to do.

Haha. If you guys want to keep hearing me vent this out then I guess you can but you don't have to. I just chose to but this here because I really needed some place to let out some steam. I couldn't put it on tumblr because I just don't use it anymore and facebook was not an option especially since people I know could see it. Sorry if you have to go on hearing me whine and stuff but yea. You can leave if you want. Just click the back button or keep reading your fanfics. Whatever floats your boat. 

So, pretty much school has taken up a lot of my time and sometimes I feel it's just too much. I can't even go out and see my friends anymore. I literally just sit in my room all day doing homework and that's it. I only leave when I have to use the bathroom or eat. Truthfully, I'm sick of it. I hate that because school occupies the majority of my life, I can't chase after my dream. My school is a liberal arts school and the only reason why I chose to go here was because it's one of the top schools in NYC but sometimes I regret so much coming here. Why didn't I just go to a culinary high school like I wanted to? My dream would be to get into the Culinary Insitute of America which is in upstate-ish NY. The problem is that in order for my to get in, I need at least 6 months of experience in a professional kitchen. How am I supposed to get that if I spend most of my life couped up in my room buried under my homework? If I'm not doing homework, I'm at a club. If I'm not at a club, I'm sleeping because I only get 4 hours of sleep a night. 

I guess the best thing I can do is just to stop regretting the choices I made in the past and deal with them now. I talked to my parents about taking a gap year between graduation and college in order to gain that experience but somehow I feel like they're disappointed in me for not going straight into it. 

Do you think I'm being to hard on myself? That I expect too much of myself? For Freshman and Sophomore year, I've had a 4.0 GPA and I was so proud of myself because it was in the top 2 in the grade. Acutually, I would be number 1 but another girl had a 4.0 GPA, too, so we had to share the title. And this year, I guess because I've been stressing over so many things, I lost it. I have 2 B's and 2 borderline A's. I've been beating myself up over it and pushing myself even harder to raise them but nothing. All my efforts were fruitless. Should I just give up and settle for what I have? I mean, they're not bad grades. They're perfectly fine. My parents understand that the course I take now are so much harder than before so why do I keep looking down on myself? Sometimes I just don't know anymore. 

Okay, we've reached the last thing I want to say. If you're still reading this then lol I didn't actually expect people to read the entire thing. I'm sorry you had to read all that, though.

You guys have to keep this a secret, okay? No one knows about this except for my family and my closest, closest, closest friend ever. I don't even think my youngest brother knows about this, but my parents are thinking of movig and the thought just freaks me out. I don't want to move. I've lived here in NYC my entire life. All my friends are here. All my dreams are here. All the plans I made for my future is here in this very city and the thought of moving all the wat down to South Carolina scares me, not because I don't like the people there, in fact I have a few friends there, but I don't want to leave what I have behind. The thing is, though, that my dad told me he's getting old and he wants to retire but it's hard for my mom to keep working and pay for the morgage all on her own. Houses in NYC are really expensive. He wants to move down south because the houses are bigger and cheaper than here (and he doesn't like the snow since he hates shoveling it). Who am I to tell him "no, dad. I don't want you to retire and rest from your life of hard work to provide from me just because I want to stay here with my friends"? Isn't that so selfish of me? But I can't help but think that way sometimes. They have everything all planned out. If we move, they want to move when I graduate because my brother graduates from middle school and my youngest brother graduates from elementary that same year so switching schools and stuff would be so much easier. It's like it's our destiny to move down there.

But the other day, my mom asked me if there were any culinary schools down in South Carolina and my heart just sank. They weren't going to let me go to Culinary Institute of America because it was too far away. CIA... It's my dream college and now I'm probably not even going to go. I still want to apply though, but what good would that do? If I get in, wouldn't it just be a reminder that I was so close to my dream but I can't ever achieve it? So then I feel like all the work I'm doing now, getting my grades up and taking extra SAT classes, to get scholarships to CIA is worthless just because I'm probably not going to go. Should I just give up and settle on going to a different school? I don't know.... I don't know anymore. Ever since middle school, my plan was to get into CIA, graduate with a pastry degree, get a job at a bakery, and open my own bakery in Manhattan once I save up enough money, but now that I'm thinking about it, is that even realistic? 

Haha. Thanks for listening to what I have to say even though it's all just pure crap. I'm sorry if I burdened you guys with my problems and just poured it all out when you guys all have problems of your own. Isn't that so selfish of me? This entie post was all about "me", "me", and "me". I'm sorry. If you guys even need someone to listen to, I'm right here. I know I have a lot of problems myself but I also know that letting it out is way better than keeping it bottled in. Even if we're not close, I can just listen. It's at least one thing I'm good at.

Thanks. I feel a lot better now. :)