I'm back home now.  I got back home on Saturday afternoon the 24th. 

I'm still so very numb and I spend half of the time crying like there is no tomorrow.  My heart hurts pretty much all damn day and I honestly don't know how to deal with this loss.  I love him so very much and to hear just how much he truly loved me....well...it's killing me.

Mike wrote me a letter and I let my mom read it when I got back home.  She got about half way thru the first page and stopped, pulling me into the huge hug and started crying.  My mom doesn't cry or show her feelings, so this was very hard for me to see.  She cried and said I'm so very sorry.  This in turn made me break down crying.  She continued saying, "If you EVER find another man that loves you as much as Michael did, don't let anyone stand in your way.  You fight for that kind of love, because it doesn't happen every day.  Don't ever let anyone keep you from having this type of true love.  I'm so sorry for keeping you here all these years.  I didn't realize how much you two really loved each other."

I don't think I will ever love some one as much as I loved Mike.  I know that I will love again, but I don't think it will be a love as strong and pure as ours was.

I still can't believe that he was getting ready to ask me to marry him.

God I miss him so much. 

I will be moving back to Wisconsin some time next year.  It may be sooner than later.  I have way too many friends and family that want me back up there.  Mike's family adopted me and his mom on several occasions has said that she wants me to move in with them for awhile until I get my apartment and job up there.  They all know that I have to pay my car off here in Texas before I can really consider moving up there, but I have made up my mind to move.  My mom will be having her boyfriend move in so she won't be alone anymore and I can start living my life.

I think that is part of why she cried so hard while reading Mike's letter to me.  Knowing that I had put my life on hold the last 6 or 7 years to help take care of my dad before he died and then promising my dad that I would take care of my mom until she no longer needed me...I lost that time with Mike and I'll never be able to have it back.  She doesn't want that to happen to me again.

My mom can be a pain in my most days, but at the end of the day I love her and want her safe and happy. 

Well, now that I'm crying again, I think I will head off to bed.  I really have to get myself together and start looking for a new job so I can save money so I can move back to Wisconsin.  I have a job fair on the 29th, so wish me luck.

Miss you guys.