I have to apologize in advance. Because if you read this, it's just going to come off as another one of those stereotypical teenage problems that people usually just write off as a stereotypical teenage problem. 

You have been warned.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this here, since it's a tad bit irrelevant, but I'm just really... I guess I just want to let it all out, you know? None of you have to actually respond, I guess, but still. 

So remember, well, if I mentioned it to you, how I have that boyfriend? The one that's really sweet, and kind, and caring, and the biggest dork ever, with the cutest smile that you could ever imagine? The one that bought me a bunch of kpop CDs for my birthday, when no one else even bothered to get me a gift, teased me for making him buy Asian (can't blame him for thinking that. He bought me SHINee's Sherlock), and then became one of the biggest fanboys ever? The one who carries my books, and opens doors for me, and laughs at all my lame jokes, and lets me cry on his shoulder? The one who buys me these cute little cupcakes whenever I'm feeling down? The one who believes in my dreams of actually being something successful more than I do?

Well, he's not my boyfriend anymore.

I know that everyone goes through a break-up eventually, and I know that your first one is always supposed to be the toughest. But I just feel very confused...

Whenever I heard people say that they broke up with someone but still had feelings for them, I never really understood what they meant. I always thought, "If you still care about them, then why would you instigate a break-up?"

The answer's kind of clear to me now. I guess.

Maybe happiness doesn't last forever, huh? I thought that everything was so perfect, but then we just started to drift apart. I guess the stress of everything just escalated until it turned into too much.

Suddenly he became really quiet and monotone. Whenever I'd bring up something kpop related, which we both used to laugh about together, he'd just roll his eyes or become incredibly annoyed. When we'd walk to class together, he was suddenly always in a rush, to the point that when I'd try to keep up with him, I'd just get a door closing in my face. My lame jokes were just that: the lame jokes that nobody laughs at. 

And when I really needed someone to talk to... I realized that he was never there anymore.

It hurts. A lot.

But even though so much has changed, a part of me still remembers how we used to be around each other. I still vividly remember the whispers and the giggles and the singing off-key and the planned gifts and the teasing smiles...

What I feel is even worse is the fact that when I told him that we should try to talk about it, to patch things up, he seemed so nonchalant about it. Like he saw this all coming and kind of wanted it to happen.

And I just... Why?

I don't know when everything changed, but apparently, it did.

A huge part of me feels like we could've maybe talked it out, and everything would've eventually returned back to normal. But another part of me is saying that that's stupid. Because if our relationship turned into a one-sided effort, then it was definitely not worth it, right? Thing is, I still care about him... A lot.

I feel stupid. I can't sort through this all out.

I must've looked ridiculous as the person initiating the break-up and crying, while the person who was being broken up with seemed to not be bothered by it at all.

I'm sorry for ranting. I guess I just had to get it off my chest...

I also have to apologize for this, but I think I'm going to be a little quiet on AFF for a while. I've received all of your messages and comments and wall posts, and I really do appreciate them a lot. I'll respond soon, but I think that I need some time to get my mind back on track.

Maybe I can get an update in somewhere soon for all of my stories. I'm sorry for letting you guys down.