why, hello there

before anyone shoots me for being rash and irresponsible, i should say that you have every right to shoot me for being rash and irresponsible and i won't even hold it against you lawlll

why did i leave on the note i did, you may ask? no matter how i try to put this, there's no way that i can do so without making me look selfish and inconsiderate, but you guys deserve honesty, so here goes.

april was a horribly awful time for me. as some of you may know, i go through a lot of social issues at school: teasing, bullying, schoolwork stress, the usual. well, in april, everything kind of hit its .

let's start with the easy stuff - schoolwork. april is the month before ap exams, so of course, there was enough stress from that. i had teachers breathing down my neck about whether or not i would pass and how i wasn't trying hard enough to ensure that i would as they threw packet after packet of reviewing material at me (ap psychology, for example, provided me with a seventy-two page, handmade review guide that was checked for weekly progress as a grade and, at the end of the school year, amounted to twelve hundred possible points for accuracy). multiply that by five, and that's what i was dealing with at the time. and i know that a lot of us goes through that, but hey, we all know how it feels. either way, it's definitely not an excuse for my behavior.

while that was going on, my grandmother was having health issues, my mother left us in a fit of spontaneity to go to europe, and my father was rarely at home because of his job (7am-6pm, so he was there, but when he was there, he was tired, you know?). social issues at school weren't too great either. as some of you may know, one of my closeset friends (we'll just call him "L" for the sake of anonymity), had this obsessive sort of protective nature over me, and while i appreciated it, he wanted a romantic relationship with me that i simply wasn't interested in. while i told him time and time again that i wasn't interested, i don't think he really fully understood it, and so we remained friends even though he never really got over his feelings. that's fine and all, i suppose, but then we throw in a guy that i actually start to develop feelings for, and things go downhill really fast

especially since that guy was L's best friend

i know, i know, i'm the worstttt

but, in my defense, this guy is also one of my best friends, and has been so for five years now.

if some of you remember my old blog post when i celebrated my one year anniversary on aff, then you may have remembered me mentioning a boy named Thomas. and if i've talked to you excessively and obnoxiously told you my life story because i-don't-even-know-why (i'msosorry), then you know that said boy i developed a crush on was Thomas and you're probably thinking "jfCITFINALLYHAPPENED"

yeah

long story short, Thomas returned the feelings and we've been happily dating for a couple of months now (we went to prom together too, which was a blast). but, unfortunately, it also meant that L became super, super upset to the point that he stopped talking to Thomas and I entirely. and i know that some of you have probably felt this before, but it was my first time experiencing it all. i've known L for four years and we've been through thick and thin together. whenever i had a problem, even if it was two o'clock in the morning, he was always there to hear me out and give me a shoulder to cry on. i told him everything and anything and to suddenly not have that anymore? it hurt a lot. he'd elbow me in the hallway, ignore me whenever i tried to talk to him, and wouldn't even look at me when i tried to get his attention. i had lost the guy that i probably considered the best friend i had ever had, and if i could put the blame on anyone, it would be no one other than myself. which made it all worse. i was conflicted with the happiness i felt at being in a new relationship with a guy that's always been there for me and who i can genuinely see never hurting me and spending the entire rest of my life with him and the pain of losing a best friend. it was a lot to handle.

and while that was all going on, i was having a major writing crisis: suddenly, the one and only solace i still had began to slip through my fingertips. writing became difficult for me - in school and out. i couldn't put a pen to paper without having an emotional breakdown. trying to form coherent written responses became a headache. my english test scores that had been the top of my class were stuck in a downward spiral that i didn't know how to stop. i sat there in agony as my essay scores fell, number by number, only weeks before my big ap exam.

it was horrifying.

juggling all of that and the stuff on aff just couldn't happen if i was to maintain my sanity. i couldn't handle the pressure, and instead of just cracking, i simply imploded. but either way, that gave me no right to leave the way i did and i'm so, so sorry that it came to that. i know that no number of apologies will really ever suffice, but it's all that i can really do at this point.

that being said, while i'm typing this now, i have to announce that it's highly likely that i won't ever be typing on this site again. 

i've had some time away from the kpop scene, and i think that it's safe to say that i've successfully escaped its lovely, sparkly clutches. the spark simply isn't there anymore. but while i say that, i think that it's important for me to also say that it, by no means, indicates that i've stopped caring about the artists. i still keep up with that kind of stuff. but the addictive phase i had found myself in is, though i hate to say it, over. i won't be writing on aff or lj anymore and my tumblr is completely inactive. in a way, this is still goodbye.

but it's a goodbye that i want to say in a better way that i tried to before. i want to thank you all for everything that you've done, everything that you've shared with me, everything that we've laughed over and cried over and fangirled over because there's no denying that the memories i made here with all of you are memories that i will truly cherish for the rest of my life. i can't thank you all enough, and i can't ask for your forgiveness enough, but trying is all i can still do

that being said, for those who are curious, gmy will not end without all of you receiving some kind of result. i'm working on it with some of the judges right now, and while i still can't guarantee an exact time of release, i promise you that it will definitely be happening. as will the prizes, haha

right now, i can definitely say that i'm in a happier spot that i was in april.

ap results are in: i've received a 3 in calculus ab (which is super awesome because i at math and didn't even think i'd pass), a 4 in american history, a 5 in psychology (which is awesome because you should hear what happened to me an hour before my exam was supposed to begin, it's such a stressful story), and a 5 in english language and composition - the one class that really meant the world to me.

my grandmother is doing a lot better now. so better, in fact, that whenever i try to go and walk the dog, she throws a fit about how she wants to do it because she doesn't want it to look as though she's incapable of doing things herself. on july eighteenth, she celebrated her 86th birthday.

my mother is back with us, and i'm happy to say that she's happy. definitely less stressed than she once was and packed with wonderful stories and photographs about her journeys through europe.

L still doesn't talk to me at all, though he's gone back to at least talking to Thomas.

And Thomas? well, i can honestly say that i'm the happiest that i've ever been with him. he brings me flowers or chocolate whenever he comes to my house (which is basically, at this point, every day), he listens to me rant about whatever it is whenever i need to talk to someone, we play video games until one o'clock in the morning and get ridiculously competitive over mario kart and super smash bros until we can't stop ourselves from laughing at how dumb we're being. we laugh at dead marco jokes on tumblr and fangirl over AoT and the german soccer team because we were rooting for them from the start (and manuel neuer is a god, let's be real). he bought me an annual pass to universal/islands of adventure and now we go whenever we can (harry potter is just as amazing in real life as it is in the pictures, i promise) and sometimes, when it's raining and we don't have anything better to do (because florida and it rains constantly and i have no idea why we're called the sunshine state), we lie down together on the floor of my room, look up at the glow-in-the-dark stars i have glued to my ceiling, and just talk about anything and everything. when i spent my birthday in new york and he couldn't be there, he somehow arranged for a dozen roses and a box of chocolates to arrive to my hotel room. and the best part? whenever i'm scared, or sad, or angry, or i just don't know what to do, i always know that he'll be next to me, holding my hand.

i'm really, really, really happy.

i also like to think that i've gotten at least a bit of my old knack for writing back as well.

i'm so, so happy where i am right now, and this has been a really long blog post and i'm sorry for rambling so excessively. yes, this is goodbye, but it doesn't have to be a bitter one and it certainly doesn't have to be permanent. if anyone's interested in keeping contact with me outside of the interwebs, pm me, and i'd be happy to share my personal contact information with you so that  we can keep the conversations churning. i've made some of the best friends that i've ever had on this website, and i want to do everything in my power to make sure that i don't lose them.

but either way, i can't thank you all enough for the time that you've given me and the time that we've shared. thank you so, so, so much.

my best regards,

jessica (wishful)