I have no idea why but I suddenly feel the need to talk about a few things that's been boggling my head or just lurking around it these past few weeks. And when I keep thinking about something, I always feel the need to write about it and after reading the post my sis (monshie09_aff) put up earlier, I was inspired to write down my feelings as well.

So be warned, this is going to get utterly, ridiculously INCOHERENT and RANDOM.

First of all, to be really really quite (triple superlatives there LOLz) honest, I get heartbroken everytime I see Su_Lay tags on fics and people shipping Su+Lay.

Yes, I can't actually write down the OTP name because I refuse to ship them together.

I mean, I know OTPs are basically results of the fandom's delusions and hyperactive imaginations but come on, to actually ship two members together, they'd have to have some sort of interaction now wouldn't they? And Suho and Lay have little to almost no interaction really.

Now that offends me because it makes me think that just because they're not part of the mainstream and most popular OTPs and they have no one to pair with that people just pair them up randomly. What are they, like leftovers? I mean, gawd, LAY/YIXING is my ultimate bias and I just cannot understand why people refuse to ship him to Kris or even his bff Lu Han. Don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING against Taoris and I love our little kungfu panda baobei with all my heart but just because Kris bought him Gucci once, they're instantly a ship? And a mainstream one at that? O__O

It was cute for a while but then people started shipping them more than so-very-painfully-obvious KrisLay and I was like, 'WHAT THE ACTUAL ? O______O' (Again I have NOTHING against Taoris, they're cute too tbh)

Kris and Lay practically make-out on stage and they're so touchy-feely with each other ON- AND OFF-STAGE that they put HunHan to shame. Have you people never seen the way Kris looks at Yixing? The way his eyes soften and he doesn't wear a face and he actually smiles and laughs a lot around Lay because Lay is beautiful and would make a rock laugh with his witty, adorable comments and dimples? Don't you see how Lay clings to Kris and links arms with him and Kris lets him because they're super comfortable with each other? I seldom see other members doing that to Kris to be honest and maybe there are moments that other members do that too but Lay is just special and he does it almost all the time (Disneyland, Happy Camp, airports etc). Don't even get me started on Disneyland (which to be honest was just AN EXCUSE FOR A KRISPYLAYS DATE).

And I know I don't even have to put pictures here to prove all this because KRISPY LAYS is EVERYWHERE in each EXO-M/EXO event. Seriously.

They've been close friends since their trainee days, spent four beautiful years together as some of the few Chinese boys in a company full of Koreans and of course I don't know them personally but I can see that they're close. Like really close. Not to mention they have like a gazillion pairing names such as KRISLAY, KRAY, 21, UNICORN-DRAGON, KRISPY LAYS and my personal favorite, FANXING which means AN ARRAY OF SHINING STARS or STAR-STUDDED SKY. Is there an OTP name in the world more romantic than that?? Gawd!

And I absolutely love Suho as well and it doesn't mean that if everybody in K has their significant others that people should push him to Lay. There is a reason why he's the APPA and D.O is the UMMA you know and their little subtle touching is ridiculously cute and adorable. Of course I ship KAISOO FOREVER but hello, anyone heard of OT3 people?? I totally ship KaiSooMyeon or Appa+Umma+Lovechild and this family is HOT and BEAUTIFUL and I ship them forever ok?? TT~TT

You guise can ship whoever you want and this is not a rant telling you to ship my ships but gawd, I just get mad when I see people shipping members randomly. Interaction and closeness should at least be present right? =_="

And okay, yesterday one of my fics got featured and please, please don't congratulate me here too because I get enough from my comments section and my wall. OTL XD I'm really REALLY grateful ok, please don't misunderstand, I'm grateful to each and everyone who subscribed and took the time to read and comment on my fic. 

But to be honest I don't know why most people (ones that never talk to me other than to comment on my fic) congratulate me for being featured and then they just leave it at that. I'm grateful but I don't understand why they would congratulate me without telling me what they actually think of my fic, if they like it, or what they like about it or if they think I actually deserve being featured...because it makes me think they're just empty words you know? I really hate thinking like that because it brings out the evil in me but I really don't appreciate empty words.

Thus I really appreciate everyone who took the time to post on my wall or my fics about what they liked about it, their favorite parts, what it made them feel and even what they didn't like about it because it makes me feel like they actually read it and took the time to understand every word and phrase and recognize the emotions I had while writing it. I put in so much effort into writing that even one sentence coming from a reader that would tell me something like they liked about my work or how it made them feel is so very greatly appreciated.

To be honest, I'm not proud of that fic because well it's my first fic here and my writing style is just---completely all over the place. And weird. I swear I re-read it and I was like, 'what the actual did I write omg why did I put this up this is so stupid' and if you don't know me, you WILL get annoyed by my paranoia and insecurity.

Because I AM incredibly insecure about my writing and no amount of complimenting will cure that and even the slightest criticisms easily break my heart. Writing is an incredibly big part of me, it's something that I really really wanna do as a career and with the rest of my life (although mum decided to put me through medschool anyway and ignore my pleas of dedicating my life into becoming the Pulitzer-prize winning novelist I wanted to be).

My parents say that writing will get me nowhere and even better writers than me never actually make it as writers and I accept that because I know it's true. But you know writing is like breathing for me, I can't live without it now and it's impossible to stop even if I try my best not to. I've actually written hundreds of poems, songs, essays, novels and articles since preschool and writing is the only thing I actually know how to do.

I'm not any good at sports, I have an extremely weak body and constitution and I don't have the patience to dedicate myself in a musical instrument or anything else really. Plus I'm ridiculously socially awkward and making friends is very difficult for me because I find it hard to trust so I tend to build a wall between people and I, a wall that I don't want to get rid of because I'm scared people will see me and won't like me for who I am. I know some of you have felt this at least once in your life.

And the worst part about medschool is the fact that my mum only wants me to be a doctor because she knows I'm capable of being one because of my grades and she thinks being a doctor will make me a millionaire. But will it really? I wonder. I do have a ridiculously good memory so studying and memorizing is easy and I know being a doctor is a very very good profession but are those reasons enough for a person to pursue a career? I love studying about diseases and I want to help people but I can't be a good enough doctor if during my classes all I do ever do is think about doing something else. I firmly believe that a person can't truly succeed in anything if she doesn't put her whole heart, soul and mind into it because not putting in 100% in something would reflect on your work. And half-assed work never truly succeeds.

So right now I'm this stage where I'm doing my best, learning by myself and just writing and writing until my head hurts just so I can be better and someday I'll be able to  publish a book that I'm proud of.

No one in my family actually believes that I can do well as a writer and I don't have any friends from school either and the only person whom I know personally that actually cares about my writing is my longtime BFF in the Philippines (who is like a hundred miles away from me right now). So I just write and write inside my room all day long, typing away my thoughts and feelings and I keep thinking, does what I do really matter to anyone? Would this matter to anyone? Would this change anything? Would someone read this and feel something because of it? Would someone appreciate what I'm doing? Will I really succeed as a writer?

I really really want to believe in myself because I know that if I don't even believe in myself, how can other people believe in me? But maybe I do need someone to believe in me. Maybe I need my family to believe in me. I keep bringing myself down all the time and yeah, that coupled with my twisted sense of perfection just makes me go crazy sometimes.

I met some friends here, unnies actually who are like very good older sisters to me and one very supportive dongsaeng as well. And they keep saying how awesome I am and all that, cheering me on and trying to drill praises into my head even when I stubbornly insist on my own failure. They look for me and spam my wall if I disappear on them for two days and no person in my school would even bat an eyelash if I'm gone for a month. LOLz. XDD

Maybe that's why I love them so much. (And yeah I'm talking to you Saenie, Uli, Mya,  D, Zhee, Ciara, Joonie, Nadine, Ari and Haneullie but you already knew that right? XDD)

They, especially the OSM unnies, are the reason I even got featured anyway because I was actually going to give up on the story around chapter four because I thought I so bad and I was so embarrassed with my own writing that I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But they kept spamming me with love and encouragements on my comments section and I wasn't even their friend yet back then. I think other people who are like me should meet people like them because that kind of love and positivity changes a person you know? For the better, always for the better. And maybe not entirely but a little bit day by day and I feel truly blessed that they managed to convince me to make a twitter account and join their little circle. For the first time in the longest time I felt like I belonged somewhere and with someone and that people actually believed I could do great things with something I'm very passionate about.

LOLz. I don't even know what I'm saying right now and I'm just typing as I go along. Maybe I really am insane. A little bit. 

And people who added me as friends, although this rant may have probably divulged my insanity and scared you off, just know that I DO reply to messages and posts on my wall and I accepted you as friends because I really want us to be friends who actually converse and know each other by our real names. I don't bite but I do occasionally hug and squeeze people virtually until they can barely breathe anymore. And I'm greasy and fluffy (according to my unnies) so you may barf rainbows, unicorns, baozis, pandas and glitter around me every now and then. 

So yeah, this concludes my long-, incoherent rant. Off to update fics now. *throws hearts and Lays chips around* XDDD