Twenty three.
(God i hope at least one of y'all know what song this is from???)

Blink-182 references aside, I think IU captured being 23 best:

"I, yes, like now for sure
No, frankly speaking, I wanna give up
Oh right, I want to be in love
No, I rather make money"

I know that feeling so well. The feeling of wanting a million contradicting things at once, which I think is generally the theme of your twenties? In your twenties, you'd typically have more resources. Not just financially, but also the knowledge you possess, the skills you've acquired, the relationships you have, and the confidence you've cultivated because typically, in your twenties, you would've achieved more substantial things. You hit milestones, and you begin to feel like you could do anything and everything. You have more things that you want, more things you don't want, but you're always so busy you never properly understood how you feel about all this. 

I think this is how my twenties feel so far. 22 was filled with milestones and "wins" – graduating (from a 5-year degree program), getting a job, moving cities in a country 10,000 km away from where I was born and raised in, traveling again, working out regularly again, rekindling old friendships, and losing relationships that are better off gone in the long run. All this is starting to put different ideas in my head, and suddenly, I want a bunch of different kinds of . I want to go on a volunteer trip. I want to move to a third country – preferably the UK. I want to try being an extra in a movie LOL. I want to go to a Grand Prix. I want to write a book, maybe?!?! And for once, please, I just want to be home for my birthday, because there are so many people I miss.

I think that's why in your twenties, birthdays begin to feel more... meh? It's like, you don't want the little things anymore. You could probably eat at your favourite restaurants anytime you like, and you've probably gone clubbing enough. You could be like, yeah I'm getting myself the new iPhone for my birthday (which I am, my 8+ needs to ing retire), but is that what you really want? It isn't. You want something more fulfilling. You want something new and refreshing, so you're more likely to want experiences. Right now, even though they'd still make me happy, I don't really want the little everyday things anymore. I want bigger things along the lines of progress. I want things that'll make me grow and evolve, and most times, these "things" aren't something you can wrap in a box. 

But with all that said, I do still enjoy the frivolous things. I'm going out with friends, grabbing dinner, etc, which of course makes birthdays all the better. All I'm saying is that at 23, it's like difficult, you know? When people ask you what do you want to do for your birthday, you say I don't know, because what you want are too out there. And I definitely feel entitled saying all this, because this means that my life is comfortable enough for me to even start thinking about all these things. 

I hate whoever decided that the "normal" age to get married and have kids is around 28-30. That leaves you with far too little time to do . See, you gain a significant degree of autonomy in your early twenties, say 22-23. Then what? If you're restless like me, 7 years - or less than 7 in fact - is barely enough time to do things you want like switch jobs and jump to a third country and properly experience everything before people start asking you about marriage and kids. No, I absolutely hate it, and I know that back then it was because medtech was still not so advanced and stuff and having kids when you're older is dangerous etc etc... but I wish it was normal to not settle down until you're at least 35 LOL. 

I don't know where this blog is going, but I think all this is to say that at 23, I'm happy with what I've achieved, but at the same time there's always this nagging fear in the back of my head that I'm not performing well enough to achieve all the things I want. Because I want a lot of things but when people ask me what I want, I don't know how to answer. I feel alone even though I'm surrounded by lovely people, and birthdays are both meh and whooo!!! to me. I don't know what the is wrong with me, but at 23, I feel like the most confusing person on earth LOL. 

I guess I hope that if anyone in their 20s has read this far, you'll find comfort in knowing that if you ever feel super self-contradicting or just... weird, like sort of in a limbo, you're not alone?? I think that's the essence of being in your twenties, and here's to all of us figuring it out along the way. If there's one thing I've realized, is that whatever life throws at you, you'll always manage. So like we always do, we'll figure it out, and I fully believe that as long as we do our best every day, we'll make it out of this crazy, winding 20s maze happier, smarter, tougher, and fulfilled. Those four words are all I want, really. 

To close off, I think these are the three biggest of advice/things I tell myself after being alive for 23 whole years: 

1. No one expects you to know everything, especially in a new environment like a new job. Be curious and don't be afraid to ask questions - as cliche as this advice seems, people are actually impressed when you ask intelligent questions. Also, people love talking about themselves. Want to know how they did something? Let go of whatever pride/ego/embarrassment might be holding you back, and just ask. As long as you are genuine in displaying your interest - i.e., you actually find something interesting and want to learn about it, you're not asking for "snake" reasons - usually, people are more than happy to explain. 

2. Be comfortable being by yourself. Especially if you have plans to move abroad because no one ever tells you how hard maintaining relationships is as an international person. The experience is priceless, but it is also extremely lonely at times. That's why get comfortable doing things alone and with being by yourself, because at the end of the day, the only person who will always be there for you is just you yourself!!! In fact, I'm convinced that being comfortable doing things by yourself is a superpower. Doing things alone isn't weird!!!  Go eat at that restaurant alone!! Go try that workout class alone!! Go to that concert alone!! Go see that movie yourself!! Go travel solo!! (but I'm not gonna say go go to that club alone because safety reasons).

3. Last, don't sweat the small stuff. Life will pass you by if you do. A friend didn't respond the way you'd like? Someone was rude to you at the store? You walked all the way somewhere for nothing? You didn't get the amount or type of comments you want in your fic? Get over it, move on. There are an infinite amount of other things to think about and experience in life, and it'll all pass you by if you're too busy being angry at the small stuff. This is a reminder for me too, because I still do this sometimes, and I want to change that. I'm just trying to be happier and more unbothered out here <3

ALSO. One piece of work-related advice I really like (that's applicable in my job type at least): At work, no one will remember if you say no, but they will remember if you said yes but then don't get it done. Learn to say no, know your capacity. 

So there's my super long and rambly blog on turning 23. I really liked vomiting all these thoughts out, so if you read till here, thank you for reading, even though I have no idea why you did. Our company gave Sept 30th off because of a certain holiday here (even though it's not a Stat holiday), and I'm going to celebrate by going to a HIIT class with friends, getting my nails done, and then going out later tonight with other ppl. OH, and by watching the Singapore GP this weekend!!!! (Skye got me into F1 and no it wasn't just that Baekhyun F1 fic...) Birthday weekend is a long weekend and a Grand Prix weekend, so that's kinda lit. I hope y'all are having a good day out there, and to all my readers, I'm trying to see you guys again in an update soon :) <3