so yeah....if you've seen my blogposts...you'll know how this annoying fella keep talking on and on about writing again and yet nothing happened yet...hahaha, the later part i bet you don't know. only people who follow you would know that much..

 

so yeah not like i'm going to do anything different today...

i'm still rereading my old stuffs, thinking which one i should continue just to have another completed fic haa...when this idea struck me like boom.

what's crazy is that....this is not for an incomplete fic....but one already completed with a resolve...albeit a bitter one. it's not the kind of ending that leaves room for any other interpretation or a sudden twist. it's a really finalized conclusion, and the character had made peace with it.

but rereading comments from readers, i feel sort of...wronged. not exactly wronged, i'm happy with their feedbacks. but i feel that because the fic was written from solely one of the main character's pov...the readers never really learnt about the thoughts of the other main character who's just as important, because these two characters' actions and thoughts codependent on each other. and i tried my best to let the other character understood through clues sprinkled in his characterization and some incidents...but it didn't seem enough. and as a result, i guess it became unsatisfactory as that character wasn't  understood, even though to help readers, i even added an impromptu decision to add his diary entries so that yknow...some of his actions and what went in his mind could be understood..and what he went through at the time he's not present in the story. 

it had ended long ago. and i know well, a story that has ended successfully should never be ruined with sequels unless i can be sure to make the sequels even better.

and i'm not thinking of a sequel(i don't know if a sequel is even possible in this case...or is it?)...i just wanted to find a way to let this huge mystery of a character to be understood, to be sympathized, empathized with, so that people didn't just see him for how he's portrayed from the other character's narrative. but for how he really think, feel, tbh, back then, i refused to do his pov, because i consider my readers capable of grasping the between the lines based on the clues...but i guess i overestimated my own writing...maybe they weren't even clues enough to be considered clues. i know i'm pretty bad at being concisely descriptive or whatever.

now i'm thinking what if i write the story again but from this character's pov...or maybe a shorter version, not an exact other side of mirror for the completed fic. that sounds crazy ain't it.

a story that has ended long ago....and ended quite cleanly and clearly.

and no chance to change the ending.

and not like the readers would still be reading again. most definite of it. a long time has passed. 

and if i follow the same timeline, it might cause doubling the pain for readers if any...and for me of course.

so what will i be trying to achieve with this?

i don't know...

writing the entire original fic was quite breezy because it felt like a diary entry in itself...the way it was written from one character's mind...i had fun immersing myself into the character's mind...

i guess i want to feel that feeling again, if i could. and i want both characters to be understood.

i remember the first few chapters....when i got comments criticizing that character's actions...i thought to myself, that i needed to be patient and let the character be peeled by readers one layer at a time with more chapters...it's more fun that way than explaining everything and leaving nothing for imagination. but i guess i kinda let myself indulge in my own preference for hints and guessing game rather than straightforward omniscient pov spoonfeeding style. i think it'd be nice to let people see what really goes behind this character n let people feel him and sympathize with him, beyond for the reason of what happened to him.

but like i said...it's a crazy idea...maybe i've been listening to too much of the beautiful songs i included as ost for that fanfic while rereading the early chapters...so my feels sort of came back bubbling back to surface. feelings i should've buried already.

idk....just another useless mulling....we'll see what happens.

it will be an extremely stupid hasty decision to go with this...when i had many more incomplete fics calling for my attention...

but yknow...i feel in my gut that if i do this...i can do it with the damn feelings...because that's the core of this fic originally...exploring their deepest feelings, thoughts, insecurities...interweaved with their loneliness.

and i'm kinda scared of it...i don't think i should write anymore...at least not this kinda...

but in the back of my mind...i'm already crafting the possible titles of the fic....lmao.

this is crazy.

i need to stop listening to these damn beautiful songs.

particularly this song

although it's a remake.

and i've seen another more recent band's remake of it that well, has better english i guess...BUT....i lovelovelove Subway's version by a longshot cuz of how rock they made it...and they brought dem feels yknow...that's what i be lookin for....dem feels....T^T...

i honestly don't feel i should do this...it's just...it's what you shouldn't do that tempt you the most, no?

sigh.

oh well, let's call it a day. ranted/rambled enough.