i'm so old already...haa

this year had been one of my worst...though it had some good moments too that i desperately chased to just make me forget the pain for a bit.

i lost another family member, probably cried more than when losing the one i loved the most a few years back.

i guess, when you had worse relationship...the regrets become much harsher...which is why whenever i see anyone complaining about their family now...i'd advice them to not go the path that will lead to where i had been. honestly i felt like i tried and that i could've done worse in my situations, but in the end...we will always feel we could and should have done better. it's inevitable. i had always thought i would be the one to die first and wondered if that family member would feel any remorse...but alas, it's me who's left to feel it for the rest of my life...so even if you feel justified or wronged....i mean, of course there are exceptions....if they did something that ruin your life for instance...but otherwise, it's not worth the regret of hating someone no matter how justified you felt.

honestly my life felt hopeless now. wow...the wonders of choosing a bad username huh.

i didn't even realize that my badge in aff already changed....these past years felt so wasted...i loved writing, still believe that i still do love it. but these days i've only been writing in my head. i know if i put my mind and actions into it...i could produce stuffs i could never find elsewhere...but for some reason....yeah...going to bookstores and seeing how these days even the most randomest things can be published and stood proud on the shelves...i wonder if my imaginary works could ever find themselves a place...or even completion...such a shame....in fact, many trash novels in my country find so much success so what do my writing lack compared to them? of course...i don't think my stuffs has place in public's taste compared to trash novels...especially if we talk about fictional stuffs and ...just like how my fanfics aren't most people's cuppa too...but...nonfiction wise....i have a lot...in me...that i can't seem to unleashe...for whatever stupid reasons...

if i were someone else with my ideas...i might have succeeded big. even moreso if i was born like 20-30 years earlier or so.

but i am me. of course we can control how we want to be. blabla whatnot. but...until you walk in my shoes you never really know how it is being me. just the same as i won't know your situations exactly since i'm just an outsider every individual are built different.

anyway...yeah, ideas though...if it can be a business...i would probably be rich already lol. but so far, the only person who knows a fraction of my ideas on various random subjects now would only be my sis.

will i be able to break the thorny steel shell that's confining me or will i just end up a loser?

who knows? i'm scared to predict since i know myself best.

i think to continue writing fanfics...i'm a lil too old for it...but i still have dreams of finishing my unfinished fics...well, maybe a bit. i wish i could find back my poetry groove too. i wonder this and that. i fear this and that. i go back rereading my fics and poetry and wondered how did i manage to write those and why couldn't i now? why am i always filled with hesitation. and i wonder why did both my online and offline friends who were around disappeared from my life right after my mom passed away a few years ago? i wonder why am i so stupid to always let my guard down when i had known better than to trust any friendship anymore?

idk why i'm blabbering my innermost thoughts here, maybe i feel comfortable in this site...

though there had been 8758575866 times probably when i wrote a blogpost and ended up not posting it...haaa....

i came in today and found notification of a new subscriber for my oldest fic...nice...though if i could recommend i'd recommend a different fic though i understand people mostly read fics for the idols/ship which would make sense they reach that fic.

well, i'm trying hard to get the courage to post this blogpost and not let it end up unposted as i had done so freaking many times.

i hope today will be a good day. and i hope the coming days, months, year...will be better.

i hope i can defeat myself and my battered self worth and confidence and society's rejection, judgement, expectation.

i hope i can find happiness through writing again, i hope i can write a lot and try to see if i really am destined losing to trash novels on the shelves or if i'm just destined to lose to myself.

hbtm.