(sorry for misleading title...you won't find any food pics here, feel free to click out lol)

so yknow...

i just lost everything...

my mom, my trusted friends, my job...and now...even the only person left in the world that i could depend on...

i mean...it's not that i lost her for good...it's just that....she's too busy with work, social life, and everything in between....i still could talk to her via texting...

but it just feels horrible...when it's the time you need someone by yourside the most n it's not like you have anyone else...and yet i couldn't be a selfish to ask...plead...directly to her for her time...

she'd even spend the little free time she has to fly to another state to attend a friend's wedding...

it's not like i can blame her since i didn't directly say out that i need her as my support system now bcuz frankly i have no one else in this world now and i feel i could go crazy to face this suffocating time alone...

i've spent few days trying to be strong on my own n not trouble her too much...

even though if it were me, and my close family is going through ty time...i'd not hesitate to prioritize them over the world....but it's not like i can expect others to treat me the way i'd treat them...

in the end this is the hurdle i have to overcome on my own...n boy if it's not extremely hard...

these few days felt like hell(though obviously hell is gonna be wayyyyyyyyyyyy worse)

the hardest part isn't going through what i'm going through...but the realization that i'm all alone, going through times that make me feel fragile...

if only i have someone...i'd probly be able to overcome worse things with more spirit, optimism...afterall, i've always been the less mature one in the family...or rather the less emotionally stable one....the one who feeds on assurance given to me...

now i just feel lifeless...and that i'm just forcing myself to go through the days....eating even when i don't feel like it bcuz otherwise i'd probly not eat at all n if i fall sick for my own fault of not eating and so on, i'll just be a burden even more...even when i feel all these horrid feelings are eating me on the inside n even food intake can't replace what's been eaten of me...

at least...i guess, i could still write here...though it doesn't feel like it helps.

in times like this...i really wish i could spend time with my sis...alas....that's a luxury i could not afford...

even tears feel like something i don't deserve...

this is the time, the hurdle i need to overcome on my own...no matter how bitter...

being alone. i never thought i'd fear it so much...but the time came faster than i could even have the time to imagine it...let alone to prepare myself...

and i have a feeling once i get a job n have no time for myself again...my sis would probly be free by then...xD

life always plays you like that...

i don't even know if there's anything left for me to anticipate in my life...

it feels like the only concern left is for me to fulfill ppl's expectation in this world...and to try my best fulfill what's important for my afterlife...

which is still far from adequate...even moreso when i go around aff n observe...lol. i feel like going back here is not a wise choice...especially for my religious needs/intake...being here feel like i'd only get farther...though faith is all about what's on your inside...but to say your surrounding don't affect it at all is hmmm...idk...i mean, directly it doesn't....but it does make me question my own choices of surrounding...

it's just that...this feels like a sanctuary where i could blabber anything...and especially that i have no one left to talk to when i needed to let out my feelings the most...

so pls bear with me...

even if what you read annoy you...just pretend you didn't read it...

i'm hurt enough for no good reason...i don't know if i can take in more...