lol. i already did. With this post. tadaa.

And no, this ain't comeback as in idol's comeback. i ain't a celeb or anyone important.

I've been away from here for a long time...and i had thoughts of not coming back....i also had thoughts of coming back earlier but well....long story short...here i am now. not that i believe anyone would even be waiting for me....i just needed a place for myself again...to talk, to rant...even to no one...or to anyone.

So many things had happened. particularly in 2018...which was a really tough year, harsh, tragic...i guess, the biggest thing being i lost my mom almost 2 weeks before my birthday, after series of already bad things that year almost without a break. now that i think about it...i guess the aftermath of it which is life in the present(2019) is even harsher....now i have to take up my mom's position...and even to fulfill a tiny bit of what she was, was nearly impossible and draining....she's indeed a superwoman. the hardest thing is sometimes when i eat alone, i'd remember how i always bought nice things to eat with her...often we'd eat and had tea/coffee together in the middle of the night while others were asleep. i think...i cried a lot more this year, than last year after knowing of her sickness and after her passing. was 2018 harsh or is 2019 harsher?

i've no idea. it doesn't matter anyway. i'm still alive, i have to live the best i could, so that i wouldn't disappoint her so much, than i already did. it's hard to put everything in place with everyone...but i'm trying. i get stressed out, but i'm trying to find my happy place too. one of it being here i guess.

But you know the funniest and most disappointing aftermath of my loss? it's that the friends that i trusted to at least be around like they did before my loss, just ultimately stopped talking to me after learning of what happen. it's as if i murdered someone...or i did sth wrong...that they decided to quietly cut the ties they didn't mind to have with me when i was doing fine. huh...even though i never really had much expectations on so called friendships and know how friendships as adults, are all about strategic friendships and nothing really out of pure sincerity...i guess i'm still disappointed, bcuz these are the friends that i guess....to some degrees i trusted to at least not leave me in the dust.

I guess it's my fault to even have a bit of faith...nevermind, now that i am learning again...really...nobody is worth trusting...and don't even try to convince me the otherwise....bcuz i probably have lived longer than you and experienced more and observed more....i don't view things from ideal spectacles....but a rather skeptic one cuz hey, things always turned out to prove my skepticism right anyway.

i guess, in a sense, i have to thank those 'friends'...for helping me to upgrade my skepticism on friendships and just... people.

Anyway, bad things aside....i'm glad i'm back here....at least i can ramble in my blogs here...it might not mean anything to anyone. at least it made me feel like i could get a breather. it's not easy to not express anything when i'm a very expressive person, at least in writing....at work, i'm just silent. and at home, there's no one to talk to and the friends i used to talk to via the net have cancelled themselves...so....i guess i'm shamelessly back here...yay.

I'm not sure if i'll write anything(as in fics/poetry/etc) again....maybe...maybe not...even if i do...i might or might not write all original character as i find more freedom to characterize them without limitations be it in visual or personality...but yeah, either way, you'll see me rambling from time to time here i guess...i'm sorry to my readers(if i have any) i left most of my stories incomplete...some even left at prologue/description n unwritten...what can i do when i'm better at making descriptions and writing the stories in my head than as words?....lol. lame excuse...i'm just irresponsible in that sense...but at least i have a few completed ones rite? just a handful but yeah...lol...still better than nothing.

and no, this post isn't meant to gauge some sympathy reactions so don't bother...i just need an outlet to spill out my thoughts.

ps: i just realized i'm no longer a Gold member......lol...what do i expect right? i have been away for that long.