You're a treasure... a really good friend of mine. It's unfortunate that fate wasn't on our side..."

Tell me again what was I supposed to feel, how was I supposed to feel, after reading this message from him?

It started out as a normal conversation, (one that we haven't had, for quite some months after I cut ties with him). Just a normal one, with him asking how I was doing nowadays. And trying to act normal, I answered the usual. 

It was all good, until he asked me that question he never once attempted to ask me... only now. Out of the blue he suddenly asked.. "So, do you already have someone? A boyfriend, perhaps?"

And how many times did I try to convince myself that I already did move on a bit. That I no longer hope to be with him. But god, that one question almost fckd my whole brain... my heart stopped beating for a bit, then came back beating all too wildly... my hands started to tremble as I struggle to type a reply... It sort of irked me, how that simple question was able to confirm it to me that, no Nica..you definitely haven't moved on. Pity. 

I hated it. I want to hate him for asking that. Can he not just let me be and leave me be? And maybe just stick with casual conversations? 

And so it went on... Our trip down to memory lane. Of how our almost's have turned to what if's ​​​​​​...  

And I asked him the question I have long dreaded to ask... "If you stayed, what would've changed?"

"I don't know." he replied.

"That's the problem. You always don't know. And I, well, I refuse to know."

I wasn't expecting a reply from him because I thought it's past midnight already, and inside the ministry, they're not allowed to use phones. But then after a few minutes, I received his response.

"We would've been happy. Together. We should've been happy together." I wanted to stop reading, but I know in myself that I can't. So I continued. "Maybe I'm one with your church now, or... you're one with mine. I don't know. But I'm sure, either of those, we'll still be together."

But I still wanted to clear things. Because there are things he has failed to say before he left that time... So I asked him if he fell in love with me.

"I failed to show it, didn't I? Love takes time, and sadly I didn't have enough time with you. And now, I don't want to say anything which will hurt you more and make me regret more."

I decided to swerve away from the topic, much because of the clenching of my heart as I read his messages. What's done is done, right? This conversation wouldn't change anything. He chose his calling, and I cannot bring myself to hate him for that.

"If you need anyone to talk to, I'm just here, okay? We're still friends after all." my last response.

He still replied. It said, "Friends. Yes. But just one favor? Just don't invite me when the time comes that you get married... I might not stop myself from stopping it, alright?"

And if I did cry after reading that, you cannot blame me, right? 

That night, I did cry. I did. Because it still hurts me thinking about our almost's and what if's. 

And all that I was asking God was... Why did you let me fall for someone who I wasn't supposed to have?