mas·cu·lin·i·ty

noun

1. possession of the qualities traditionally associated with men.

for a very, very. very long time- no, to this day, i struggle with being “masculine”

now you guys are probably confused.

allow me to explain.

when i was younger i studied a lot

so like, sports and stuff wasn't really my cup of tea. 

and so kids would always comment how i was built like a girl, how i wasn't manly, blah blah blah

for a while i was like 'whatever lol' 

but then i hit puberty !!!

and then suddenly everything everyone said hit me like a truck

and then i realized i liked guys too

so part of me was like, "is this why i'm girly?"

i was growing up in a fairly conservative family. and i did what i'm sure a lot of people do. i denied it.

psh, i didn't like guys too. my brain is so weird

yeah...no.

and when i told my friend (who was a girl) that i was bi, her reaction was something along the lines of "oh no wonder you're kinda feminine"

what part of me wasn't masculine?

surely, something was wrong, right?

i've mentioned my 'be the best' mentality before. and this was no exception.

so the first thing i changed was my body

i would never consider myself chubby as a teenager. in fact, i was pretty much like a stick. 

so then i started working out

i told people "oh it's just a hobby. relieve stress, y'know?"

i changed the way i spoke, my gestures, my expressions, i changed all of it

i'm a fairly touchy person. one of my friends did well on a test he'd studied hard for, so i opened my arms for a hug. 

"dude, that's something girls do"

alright then. no hugging. no touching.

i changed the way i dressed, the way i laughed, the way i did my hair

all for everyone's approval

but who's approval did i want?

who was i trying to impress?

myself? my parents? my peers? that pretty girl in my fourth period math class?

so when i graduated high school, i was a different person.

i was happier

but that wasn't enough.

i wasn't myself

so slowly, i ended up going back to the old joohyun

and the old me

i'm not the most manly guy

i'm scared of bugs

and fire

and loud sounds

and my girlfriend when i drop her phone

and being alone

and the dark

and scary movies

i don't curse a lot

i don't look...manly lol

but i think i've learned to just say ' it'

'whatever.'

so yeah

*awkwardly leaves*