When I first decided I would compose this blog-post, I didn’t know quite what I was going to say, or how I was going to say it; there’s a danger I will try speculate too far on how the group themselves might feel, or I may come across as condescending to fans, but the truth is that I wish neither of these happenings to unfold. Rather, this post is all from a place of care, respect and gratitude, towards both ARMY and BTS alike, thus why I am prefacing my post in stating that. I don’t know who will look at this, if anyone, but in a sense it’s a place for me to simply share my own concerns, speak my own thoughts and try my best to do whatever I can, however insignificant, however pointless.

As fans, we all know BTS; we know the members, their personalities, their likes and dislikes, and we appreciate everything they have done for us, in terms of their music and their acceptance. It’s just- maybe this is clichéd, maybe I am over-thinking, and maybe this is another one of those rants about helping idols who are living life well, but I have been part of a fandom wherein the absolute worst thing happened to one of our idols, something that made us feel sick to the stomach to even think about. Late last year, when Kim Jonghyun took his own life, the way I viewed idols changed in turn.

We all care about our idols, we do; whether it’s through our constant out-pouring of love or in silent recognition, it is undoubtedly clear that ARMY love BTS – however, do we treat them as human?

This is an awkward conversation, and a difficult one to have. We only know what the group members share with us (either knowingly or not) – anything else beyond that is in the realms of speculation. It’s difficult, therefore, to gauge whether or not we are treating BTS in the right way, whether we are doing all we can to love them, to support them. Being in the ARMY fandom very much has this feeling of being like a penny, insofar as one doesn’t seemed to provide a great wealth or impact. However, add millions of those pennies together, and you end up with fortunes – such is the ARMY fandom, particularly to someone like me, who has never (and may never) get the chance to truly meet BTS. Our actions can sometimes feel unimportant; what does it matter if I view this video? What does it matter if I vote for an award? What does it matter that I attend a concert, post a comment, send fan-mail? Of course, despite these thoughts, many of us still actively engage in these activities, as they’re the only way we can somehow access the members we love, respect, follow, idolise.

That could be the problem – idolise. We often worry as a fandom – why is taehyung so quiet today, or why does namjoon look so tired, and so forth. Yet, part of me feels like these worries, these concerns, are the drops in the ocean of our loving out-pours. We chant mantras towards them to keep healthy, to eat well and rest well, but often-times they feel empty; we crave the next performance, video, variety show or update like it’s a drug, like it’s they’re obligation to string together a consistent bunting of produce for their fans. BTS are remarkably good at this – they have been so successful, so active, and all-the-while promoting beautiful values and wonderful personalities, inspiring people world-wide and motivating many around the globe to pursue their dreams, to have some hope, or, hell, to even just make it through another day. But what about BTS themselves? I watched their recent interviews in America, and as usual, I was washed over by that same tide of love.

We had Mr. Worldwide Handsome being his usual arrogant self, and our hope spreading his sunshine through smiles and laughter. Namjoon was there to explain the inner complexities, whilst the other members were there to furrow their brows at their own lack of English-knowledge, whilst simultaneously engaging in the interviews to the best of their abilities (Jimin – you nice, yes >.<). Taehyung and his glasses, Jungkook and his .jpeg expression and Yoongi with his- well, Yoongi-ness. I saw the members I admire, of a group I thoroughly love, their personalities radiant and their charm unmatched. Yet, when I looked closer, I also saw something else.

I saw how frail, how slender, both Yoongi and Jimin looked. I saw the rings of tiredness beneath the members’ eyes. I saw how they would space out every-so-often, and I would wonder what was on their mind.

There is no doubt that BTS have achieved amazing things, and I know that I would be speaking for them and ARMY if I said we weren’t all overwhelmed and over-joyed at how everything has grown and progressed throughout the years. BTS are becoming internationally recognised, taking the world by storm, spreading their love to all corners of the globe, performing and winning in awards shows, greeting opportunities they may never have dreamed would happen, opportunities they are incredibly thankful for.

As with everything good, however, it must take a toll on them, and it scares me. It scares me when they become so frail and tired, because I don’t know if I can do anything to stop it. We always praise BTS over their looks, their beauties – and yet, we watch them fade away, sometimes, lose weight and vigour and life in their eyes. It gets swept underneath the carpet like it is nothing – hell, maybe it is. Yoongi is often a quiet character, Jimin’s weight often fluctuates, and there’s probably no remedy for their exhaustion given the amount of travelling and performing they do. Yet, I worry. We tend to think our idols have everything in the world, and that we, as their fans, are the unfortunate ones, unable to meet them, unable to know them. We shower them with praise, over their talents and their looks, and we assume because they’re in the spotlight, they must be aware of this – they must know that they are loved, they have purpose, that we respect them.

Yet, all the same, as a fandom, we have to be mature and accept we cannot provide them with everything. We can’t force them to eat when they over-exercise, or when they diet; we can’t wipe the sleep from their eyes and let them rest their heads, for just a moment; we can’t protect them when sick, sadistic death-threats are made – such as the recent one aimed at Jimin – and nor can we shield them from hate comments, or haters. BTS respond to haters in songs, talk about how they live in their music, but sometimes, there’s a disconnect between the song lyrics and the fans, or a disconnect between the lyric and reality.

Losing Jonghyun last year jarred me, both emotionally and physically. SHINee had been, and always were, my bias group; I loved them, adored them, hailed their talents and followed their every footstep. Then, one day, everything came tumbling down. Jonghyun had talked in the past of his loneliness, of struggling with depression, of the issues of idol life – and yet, we were still caught off-guard when he committed suicide, shocked out of our minds. We may have known he suffered, yes, and we may have known he hurt – but it seemed we forgot to connect the dots to realise how that would affect the real Jonghyun. It is true that we may have not been able to do anything – if those close to him, his family, friends, and the other SHINee members had no effect, how could we? – yet, we should have been aware, should have somehow just known, done whatever we could in our power. I don’t know what that is – honestly, I don’t – but there’s a numb guilt constantly clawing away at me, about how I acknowledged his pain, though didn’t accept it - that he suffered so deeply, yet it was swiped under the rug with all the fame, hectic schedules, public obligations and beauty standards strewn across the idol lifestyle.

I loved Jonghyun, and I lost him – we lost him. Whilst I am not saying the BTS members are going to commit suicide, whilst I am not even saying they are despairing, I am saying that, as a fandom, we should be vigilant; we should ensure our support reaches more than just their beauty, their performances, and extends into more than fictional stories or fan-arts. We need to accept that these people, whom we have placed on a pedestal in our mind, are human, are fallible, have flaws and pains as everyone else. If we knew the members, there would likely be sides of them we disliked, sides of them we would be shocked to find, information buried that our wildest dreams couldn’t have conjured – but that’s because they’re human. We need to dispel this image of “idol perfection” before it ultimately destroys the idols themselves, keeping them clawing at incredibly high standards, trying to show their best constantly. We need to understand them, treat them as humans.

If a member messes the choreography, we shouldn’t berate them. If we don’t like how they’re styled, we shouldn’t judge them. If they just have an off-day, we should accept that these are things that happen to people. We adore BTS, and there is no doubting their talent, charisma and energy, and there is no doubting the love conveyed by their fans. I just worry that this love may be based on the perfect-idol-image these men have fostered – if, someday, that image cracked, would we still love them? If they lost their beauty, their image, would we treat them the same? The answer is likely no, despite what people would protest. We need to start to treat them as humans, fall in love with who they are – not who we idealise them to be.

We need to express our gratitude towards them, our love. For me, I feel I need to thank them, all of them, for what they have taught me.

I have to thank J-Hope for exuding such beautiful, unending radiance and happiness – yet simultaneously producing music that has changed how I view the world, how I listen and interact. I need to thank him for every time I have laughed at his silly jokes, every time something he has spoken about has resonated with me, every time he helped the other members, or inspired us as fans to pursue our dreams.

I have to thank Yoongi for teaching me something about strength, about fearlessness. I need to thank him for understanding that it is okay to be myself, that it is okay to stand in a room and remain silent, reflective, when people are speaking. He has taught me that to be true to myself is the only way I will succeed in this life, and that there is no dream too unachievable if you set yourself to it, fight for it, reach out for it, and live for it.

I have to thank Jimin for teaching me the art of perseverance, of patience. He works so hard, he’s so unstoppable – a force of talent, energy, and happiness. I have to thank him for every time he has made me smile, every time he has caused me to giggle at his sweet jokes, and yet all the hours he has dedicated to bettering himself for a fandom that already loves who he is.

I have to thank Namjoon for leading the group that helped change my life, for presenting a message of strength and power spanning worldwide, reaching further than the thoughts of one person, one country, one people. He has led a group of acceptance, has helped communicate that message across the globe, helped me understand my worth, not only as an ARMY, but as a person.

I have to thank Jungkook for reminding me to be strong, determined and passionate. I thank him for his encouragement towards the fandom, for his beautiful voice that has soothed me to sleep more than once. I have to thank him for how he showed just how one can grow, can evolve, can develop, into someone so courageous and kind-hearted.

I have to thank Jin for his humour, and his confident attitude. He inspires me to be who I am, come out of my shell, embrace the qualities that make me good and learn to laugh at those things I may not be amazing at (such as dancing, Jin – you and me both XD). I have to thank him for his sustained determination and unending compassion for s and ARMY alike.

Finally, I have to thank Taehyung for showing me that it is perfectly okay to be who you are, and pursue what you want, and to chase after your goals and work hard to achieve them. I look to Taehyung when I need to smile, but also when I need to know that it is okay to let go, whether you are alone or in public – to let go and be yourself and not care what others may think.

Finally, I need to thank all of the members for helping me through a period of unexpected pain and difficulty, coaxing me through the recovery of an illness that almost took my life, on multiple occasions. Now that I am out of the deeper pits of that sickness, now that I find myself healing, welcoming life again, I am drawn closer and closer to BTS, to everything I owe them, yet cannot give them.

Possibly, my experiences in the past year made me aware more of my own fragility, my own mortality, and with Jonghyun’s suicide, it impressed upon me a strong urge to be thankful, grateful and caring towards those I would support in the future. I am aware they will never get a chance to hear these words, and that this letter will go lost amidst thousands of like-minded posts online – but I have to say something, I have to acknowledge my fears, my love, my thankfulness, my gratitude. These seven men have helped encourage me, motivate me, provide a hope and happiness that somehow resonates enough to drag me through to the next day. In every way possible, I hope I can be the same for them, can help them through and support them – someone they won’t know, yes, but part of the fandom they do know, and the fandom they cherish.

I am so proud of BTS. I have watched their talent grow, followed them for several years now, seen how they’ve spread across the globe and shared their love with millions. Now, I want to do all I can to share my love with them – even if the action is little, unnoticed. I will write stupid fan-fiction and I will listen to their music. I will yell fan-chants to their videos and chat with fans. I will show my gratitude in small ways – yet, each another penny that adds, that adds, that adds to the fortune that is ARMY.

There has been a lot of upset in the fandom recently, claims of immaturity, racism, discrimination, and more. It’s heart-breaking to watch – as a fandom, we support a group who promote inclusion, equality and acceptance. Yet, within our community, our own judgements of each-other can over-shadow the thing that actually unites us, can turn something that should be beautiful and loving into something that can be cruel and callous. If we fell down around BTS because we couldn’t learn to live harmoniously as a fandom, then we should hang our heads in shame. We’re blatantly ignoring, side-lining, the message of our idols, creating dramas in their names, though not with their support. We love a group who advertise peace and tolerance through both their interviews, shows, speeches and music. So why are we twisting their fandom into something so sordid, so dark, so ugly?

We have a responsibility – we all do – to maintain peace amongst us, and unite for our common purpose – to support and love BTS. We need to accept their humanity, and the roles we play in their lives, how our actions may impact upon them, and how our expectations can impose upon their realities.

We need to treat BTS as human, and cultivate ARMY as a fandom promoting love, peace and respect.

We owe it to BTS, after everything they have done for us, and after everything they have sacrificed.

Thank you for reading.

-Emma