Okay, my New Years Eve was going fine, I was excited to watch Keyakizaka46, Nogizaka46 and AKB48 Group perform (in that order) on NHK's huge end of year concert, the Kouhaku Utagassen (Red & White Song Battle), which I think Twice performed at as well. All four groups were in Akagumi, which was the team of female performers. It was still in the morning so I was able to get breakfast as well and I was hyped for the performances by not only Akagumi but Shirogumi as well.

However, as it got to Keyakizaka, I was already buzzing because Fukyouwaon was already a favourite of mine and I was so hyped at the first performance because it was so well executed (well except for center Hirate Yurina's fall which had a loud thud, which worried me). My concern grew during the second collaboration with host Uchimura Teruyoshi. Hirate was all shaky, and you can see her panting like hell. Although, Suzumoto Miyu, who was more towards the back had huge alarm bells, usually Suzumon has the energy to push through performances but in this collaboration, she just seemed as though she was drained of all energy she would normally have.

Then by the end, in the final formation, Suzumon's body couldn't take it anymore and she just... dropped, which gave me a mental heart attack. What is worse is that Hirate was shaking profusely, some girls were nodding off (not looking at Nagahama Neru in particular, just happen to notice her more than the others cause she was just behind Yurina).  I'm happy that girls like Watanabe Rika and Sugai Yuuka were with them because I know for sure Suzumon would've suffered more if Rika wasn't there, and Yurina would be sprawled across the floor if Yuuka wasn't holding on her. It was a hard year for them, especially for the center Hirate Yurina. Even Moriya Akane was trying to hold on to Suzumoto at the end but couldn't. And then when the cameras stopped rolling, that was when Hirate and Shida Manaka, just collapsed like Suzumoto did. It was so heartbreaking to even watch the ending, simply cause the other host was trying to shrug off the incident and it was just... and the fact that the girls were diagnosed with hyperventilation, by a certified nurse, according to NHK, was relieving... slightly.

Since both Yuuka and Rika are the oldest two, as well as Yuuka being Captain, I think the both of them proved that they can be reliable in the hardest of situations, and that I am thankful for, not that I'm not thankful for them being there when Suzumoto and Hirate were at their worst, but I'm also thankful for the fact that they are prepared for the worst, that they know what to do in that kind of situation.

This ended up being so emotionally draining for me that I simply couldn't go on smiling at AKB and Nogizaka's respective performances even though all three of my oshis from each were there and I could see them. It was entertaining but I couldn't physically and mentally put myself out of that horrific performance, and even after Kouhaku had ended, it was still in my mind.  Everything was still in my mind.

Then the girls took pictures after the event, namely Captain Yuuka. But you can notice that her and Co-Captain Akane, were crying (as their eyes seem red and a bit puffy, especially Yuuka) and we don't know why, but I suspect it was the two of them venting their emotions on the events that just happened and I can expect that from the two of them. Being the two leaders of a whole entire group, it can be a bit daunting when you see something happen in front of you, with both Yuuka and Akane during that ending, it was happening in front and behind them, and it just hurt me that they couldn't really do anything right then and there. The emotional burden is on the two of them. I don't want that for the two of them. The two of them haven't even been Captain and Co-Captain for a full year (their first year as captain and co-captain will be on the 21st of January) and it's as though the pressure is being put on the two of them now, they're now both over 20 (Akane being 20, Yuuka being 22 and as I've said one of the oldest) they know when to help and when to be nice faces to be around in times of distress. But I don't want management to force these roles upon them, and it's just scary to think of what could happen if they did.

(They're the two on the top right, Akane on the left, Yuuka on the right)

Even when the official twitter posted a picture of the group after Kouhaku, I was still worried. But not as worried as I was when the cameras were rolling.

There's another thing that made my New Years Eve 10x worse and I don't want to go into it because it was such a personal thing that I even have hallucinations about it and I don't feel comfortable expressing it, except to friends and close acquaintances. So if I've told you the thing, please don't spread it as it's taken it's toll on me emotionally and I don't want to make it worse :(

PS I'm sorry for the huge pictures at the end here, I took them straight from Yuuka's blog post, and I didn't want to resize them cause they will look weird that way... and wow nearly a 1000 words on one event...