I woke up this morning like every other day of the past three weeks: ready to do six to eight plus hours of job searching. Because I'm in between jobs. Because I walked away from a good career due to my anxiety. 

My husband called me from the bathroom and said "Something bad happened to one of the SHINee members." My heart immediately sank and I asked him if there was a car accident. No response. Then I got scared and demanded to know what happened. He said, "It's Jonghyun." Then I just screamed at him to tell me. And he read me the article on Soompi. And I immediately ran into the living room and just started sobbing. Literally, my heart ing broke. I love SHINee but I have especially always loved Jonghyun. I love his honesty, his artistic integrity, his beautiful soul, his sensitivity, his uniqueness, his creativity. I love how brightly he always shone on stage. I loved the rawness and emotional honesty and realness in his solo music. I loved his performances. How could that all be gone? How could he be gone?

My mind couldn't even grapple with or handle the news. I posted a picture with a caption on Instagram then immediately put on my favorite SHINee song, Tell Me What To Do, then started sobbing again. Then I put on Dream Girl, which I always loved Jonghyun's personality in the video, and started sobbing again. I sobbed on and off all morning while job searching. I went on Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter and Youtube. I couldn't get him out of my mind. His final moments, being so alone, feeling guilty, questioning if he had done well, not wanting to hurt his sister, his mom, s and us. I couldn't stop thinking about how he died and my heart broke. I read and re-read his last Instagram post, wishing we could have helped him, wishing we could have been there for him, wishing we could have all held him in his final moments and told him we loved him and that everything would be okay. I kept hoping that the paramedics had found him sooner then maybe they could have revived him at the hospital. I kept thinking about Minho reportedly passing out at the hospital when he was told the news. I kept worrying about Onew somehow blaming himself as the leader. I kept worrying about Key. I kept worrying about Taemin. I kept worrying about shawols.

I have my own history with suicide. I attempted to kill myself in 2007. They pumped my stomach then I went into a coma for several hours. It got to the point where the doctors were going to have my brother leave School of Infantry (he was a Marine at the time) because they thought I was going to die. Then I finally got out of the coma. I had made two earlier attempts but nothing happened and no one found out about them. I was forced to go to a mental hospital a few days after getting out of the coma as an in-patient once I got out of the hospital. Since that time, I have had bouts of suicidal ideation that are pretty frequent. I am a very sensitive person and I feel that things hit me very hard. I always tell my husband that I am too sensitive for this world. I don't feel that I fit into this society or on this planet. Very small things will seemingly send me into endless spirals of existential despair. I feel absolutely worthless right now that I don't have a job. I'm trying so hard to find another one. So far, no dice. But I so understand the impulse to want to end it all. I have had those thoughts many, many times. One night, I had codeine with promethazine and I knew if I took it with DayQuil, I could just end it all. I thought about it and stared at my "Devil" poster and just couldn't do it. Invariably, thoughts of my father being heartbroken and of leaving my husband is what stops me. Super Junior has stopped me. But sometimes, I am just so close to that ledge and just want to jump off and end all this.

So, it would be very fake for me to sit here and pretend that I don't understand where Jonghyun was coming from because I myself feel those suicidal impulses on a semi-regular basis. I just wish that someone or s or family or even us, the fans, could have been that thing that stopped him from doing it. That thing that made him hang on. That thing that made him live another day, even if he didn't feel like it. Even if he didn't want to hang on. Even if he was tired of living. 

I've had suicidal ideation since I was 14 years old and the feelings of not fitting in in this existence go back even further than that. I'm 36. That's a pretty long time. I've tried counseling, therapy, anti-depressants (which I had a horrible reaction to and had to be hospitalized for), benzodiazepines, Reiki therapy, meditation...pretty much everything under the sun. Sometimes, the fact is, it just isn't enough. I'm never going to be the one to say that it's all going to be sunshine and rainbows because for some people, it just isn't. For some people, seemingly it doesn't get better and these depressive feelings and suicidal thoughts linger for years, receding, ebbing and flowing, but always coming back. Some people just get tired. I can't sit here and fault them for that or pretend I don't understand because I do. That's pretty much my life.

But god, I wish Jonghyun was still here. I watched so many videos of him today (and JongKey) and my heart just broke. I loved his beautiful smile. It was goofy and fun and contagious and infectious and it just made me want to smile too and join in on whatever fun he was having or joke he was telling or laughing at.

I know that Jonghyun is in a better place. I know that he is finally feeling the peace and happiness that eluded him for so long in this life. I feel that he is happier in his next life. As much as I wish he was here for his mom and sister and members and for us, there is a part of me that feels peace if he finally feels peace. Because it is evident that he really suffered.

I know Korea doesn't take mental illness seriously. That it is taboo. That it is considered a shameful topic. Medications that could potentially help treat these illnesses aren't allowed. Counseling is looked down upon. I know Korea has the highest incidence of suicide in the world. I know all of this. It needs to change.

We also all know that these record companies are pieces of when it comes to idols. The constant pressure, schedules, lack of time off, and refusal to allow these boys a personal life, especially discouraging if not outright disallowing dating, would be crushing to the healthiest individual, much less someone struggling with depression. The harsh, unforgiving, unrelenting microscope these idols are forced to live under and the constant judgement from netizens would be enough to drive the most mentally sane person crazy. Imagine what it does to someone with depression.

I just want to say: I love you, Jonghyun. I always will. I miss you, Jonghyun. I always will. I know you are shining brightly in the skies, our star looking down on us. Until we meet again~