12/06/17

It's strange how easily I had forgotten that feeling. "Easily" might not be the right word, seeing as it took me around two years to build up that wall and keep it there. The foundations were set, almost forcefully, by the events that shook me two years ago, and since then I worked to make sure the wall grew stronger and bigger.

I hadn't even realized just how foreign the world beyond that wall was until now. I wouldn't want to give him too much power, but I will credit him for how effortlessly he was able to chip away at all that repression and resistance I'd been holding. For a moment, it had almost completely obliterated because of him. I was amazed by it, but at the same time, it was as if it was nothing new to me.

Only now, after that uncertainty and mistrust in my emotions starts to come to play do I realize how I had shut that side out entirely. It's a feeling I definitely never missed, and don't want to experience again.

Yet here it is, back to taunt me. It's like a burning in my chest, an uncomfortable itch that won't go away. It feels like something is pressing down on my throat and forcing the air out of my stomach. My mind is invaded with thoughts of him unwillingly, and with those thoughts comes the doubts and stupid scenarios. The insecurities start to pick at each situation in my head and suddenly I see things in a bad light.

Why? It irritates me, and it makes the feeling in my chest worse. I can't let this happen. And I'm angry that it's already started. So damn easily... After all these years and it took one night. Really? Is that what I've amounted myself to. I feel like I've lost control and I hate it. I want to go back.