nah...it's not as juicy/scandalous as what you're hoping...feel free to click out while you can...

 

of course, i'll start with my current obsession(sort of) where is the fun in writing about something you're not obsessed about?

so today...just mindlessly clicked on the cuts from produce 101 ep7 for the smtm rap team...

if you noticed about my post on evil editing yesterday n about amazing kiss team...someone compared yoon heeseok's situation to kim sanggyun and one more guy....i don't remember sorry...so that kinda made me want to watch what's up with this team? cuz i don't care what you gonna say...from what i see in the perf...kim sanggyun was the real badass one...though i might just be biased since i already liked him from replay...even though he was cringy as heck(no he didn't do badly in singing, he did just fine...it was the gestures n overall thingy) in that one n i liked him bcuz i sympathized with him...if jo seongwook was the guy i liked bcuz of visual...kim sanggyun was the one i liked bcuz of sympathy even if it sounds crazy bcuz why would you sympathize with him rite? he didn't even cry 24/7 in his sob stories unlike some....woops...

 

anyway, kim sanggyun sort of got focus again (after reply) joint with woo jinyoung(i didn't know him so i did a lil checking n no wonder...he's in mansae team 1...the team i cared about the least...cuz they went against my fav team n made some remarks i didn't like upon winning...and maybe i'm just overprotective of my kids...you dont mess with my kids!!)...but...honestly i really think the focus for the behind the scene story was supposed to be ha minho...haha...lucky they got enough footage from everyone...my gut feeling is really strong on this one...or even if ha minho wouldn't be the main focus...he'd at least have a part...maybe a 3way battle for center position? he doesn't seem like a dude who'd just sit back n enjoy the drama...nope.

 

am i the only one not feeling this..."crazy" woo jinyoung dude though?...first, i didn't see/get any crazy vibe from him...just cuz one repeats over n over he's crazy doesn't make me feel so, you need to show it to convince me, not to tell me.....and also, he already lost me at his nasal-ish rapping voice...though kim sanggyun had voice colour that's dangerously close...but thank goodness he didn't cross that nasal line in the raps itself...if you must know...for male rappers, i really hate nasal and fake/unnatural deep voice rappers....which sadly makes a huge percentage of kpop rappers...and for female...i just hate those chipmunk ones...which kinda make the majority of idol rappers as well...tsk...

 

back to the perf, jinyoung was out of breath too at times n idk the flow just didn't impress me much even though he did well overall...i feel like he's just trying to make sure all the words fit in his flow rather than injecting any emotion/feel/tone to it, kinda monotonous? (i'm not pro tho...no i can't rap too...fine i'll shut up)...if i have to choose, i like the sound of lee euiwoong's rap a little better...but this is all based on the sounds i heard n not the rap lyrics...which i haven't checked out...but really...i don't get what's really 'crazy' about woo jinyoung/his rap? not gonna talk about kim sanggyun's perf again...you already know how impressed i am...

 

but watching behind the scene...wouldn't you agree that jinyoung n euiwoong look like obedient lil innocent kids without all the makeups? honestly they don't have the badass vibes at all in looks...or the way they carry themselves...i feel sad for kim sanggyun's self worth n pride crisis that he tried to handle on his own. well played. actually i was expecting for him to break into a drama...even though he's an idol n know the knowhows....but idk...he carries a wild vibe that i feel won't even care to ruin his own image...like a timebomb with broken timer or sth... that could explode anytime...but i was wrong...he had the self control...like other idols on that show...when other kids asked if he was disappointed about not getting the center that caused him to be unable to write his raps...he just brushed it off but not in a way that showed he's angry n uncooperative...in fact he his own wounds from the broken pride...and collected himself back on his own n did his own mindcontrol...for the sake of the perf...n to prove himself...now that's how you win a fight. it doesn't always have to end up with winning perse...but showing a winning attitude towards losing can be a greater winning.

 

but i was really disappointed when one of the teachers praised him after the perf...the rest just dismissed it cuz it's already his position, he's alreadya  rapper n blabla...wow...so just cuz he's already a rapper...he doesn't deserve praise for a job well done? (n were they this nasty towards nuest too? i need to know bcuz why lesser popular idols were being treated like they had all the advantages in the world while for the popular one...........) woo jinyoung on the other hand...got overflowing praises from them...and i still don't get it...hmm...maybe i just don't have an ear for rap...or i'm easily affected by the overall sound impression...n his nasal tone just didn't do it for me...even though badass wise, he's better than euiwoong at some parts...euiwoong is....even if he did well and not as monotonous as jinyoung...it doesn't feel organic...like he's trying to be badass...but that's it...he's like someone trying to be badass...not someone badass...well, it doesn't matter, both were just cute lil kids here, sanggyun's the badass one..:p

 

suddenly i'm curious how it'd sound if my kid yongjin got to rap instead...><....i think he'd do well...i mean he had one line of rap in mansae...right before going into some highnote adlib...n my kid did badassly...huhu...wait...this is not his perf...ok fine...but really, if there's anyone i stan for multitalented factor, kim yongjin. he can sing like a singer/main vocalist infact, and he can rap like rapper/which he is...n that's perfection...shame you're getting rid of him now in favour of hohum average oppars. your loss. hmp. too bad he didn't get to choose rap...n got stuck in that annoying popular kids team.

 

also, maybe bcuz kim sanggyun's already an idol...but i really like it when mc leeteuk asked question to woo jinyoung bout who he think will do the best n he answered that standard cheesy answer you can expect...'we all work hard, hope we all do well blabla not exactly answering the question in his unsure expression)...and leeteuk asked again same question to kim sanggyun...and he answered 'me'...haha,....and leeteuk went 'thank you for your honest answer'....lmao.

seriously...why choose to give those boring perfect correct answer that'd make you seem fake? that's not the style for rapper anyway...

 

honestly tho you can't say the boys have better personalities n reactions n support to each other compared to girls in season 1....the girls had no reference, unlike boys this season that'd have learn all they need to learn from watching season 1 to win your hearts n increase winning chances. it's not a fair comparison. even for season 1...when i watch my fav girl...i like her for her charisma, leadership n stage commanding presence...n she's fairly a good singer n rapper too...though she never got the chance to sing despite being originally vocalist...just cuz everyone think she's a rapper...i never like her for kindness/personality or anything (there are some girls popular for it but gave me strong fake vibe...idk...maybe my fake-radar is wrong...maybe it's right...who knows?)...those are the kinda thing you can be tricked the easiest...these people are not dumb. they know there are cameras. as long as you're aware of this...you won't get too brokenhearted when a scandal involving your favs suddenly come out...for me, i'm all set for it ...though of course, i don't anticipate/welcome it...duh,...n even if sometimes i do slip n swoon over someone for being nice but not those overly cheesy kinnnnndddd acts......i have faith in my fakedar,...haa. you don't have to...i'm not asking anyone to, i'm just saying for myself...it's not like it makes me hate them...it just makes me wary n not buying their perfection acts...

 

 

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anyway yeah...why did i say i shouldn't watch? bcuz now i feel like updating fic again when it's a fic that hardly have reader at all...even though i feel like it's one of my better written ones...why should i lose sleep to pour all my heart n soul n passion into writing stories no one reads? (don't even dare to bring up those pretentious 'write for yourself' thingy...things might get ugly if you do...) i already anticipate it when i choose to write about nongeneric kids n even make it a story rooted to life n reality rather than love/ like what sells...so i'm conscious about the consequence...but i just updated it n i should take more time...cuz the story is extremely emotionally taxing...n what do i get from all of these....nothing....self satisfaction yeah...but...it doesn't feel worthy to be updated that fast...

actually, currenly there are two produce 101 boys fics i'm juggling...both not including the elements loved/considered a must have by peeps here...so i'm already expecting the lack of response...no worries i'm always prepared for the worst...

but still...i wonder...

people always criticize those who write boring life related stuffs or those rooted to reality...personal growth journey...bcuz ppl read fanfics for escapism, n not to deal with real life again...but it makes me wonder....do everyone only read fics for those things...? fluff/love/romance//relationship....cuz that's how it seem...every story would have at least one of those elements...even if they preach it as something bigger...

am i the abnormal one for seeking for sth different? is it wrong to be different? even though ppl always preach it...but when you look at reality....it's different....reality is always different than what people/the world would convince you...it makes me really disappointed.

i had dreams to publish my stuffs too...i mean as legit fiction novel or sth...but there are many things i despise in commercial novels out there in my country, all are the same annoyingly cliche unrealistic tired/lame story with the character name changed...but these are what ppl go crazy for n wanted...so the publishing companies would guide you to go down this path if u want to publish with them...even though my sis told me that small publishing companies will accept different stuffs...but what's the point...if it's going to be a book nobody wants to buy/read anyway even if they could be published? but why should i succumb to the confined taste of people...when i have something different to offer than what they always read? something unwanted by the market.

you can't have everything. either you go the commercial route. or accept that you can be a writer but don't expect reader.

i learnt. i'm pessimistic afterall.

maybe that's why i don't dare to have such dream anymore...it's a dream that'd only end up hurting me...cuz reality...

even in this site...the only thing that get continuous subs would be my poem collection...and that's only cuz i put it to subscriber only haha....and even for that..the subs are as silent as dead...

a person like me should've disappeared long ago. i don't cater to any commercial need...and there's no other demand for anything else...especially my combination of unpopular chacters n unpopular fic subjects/features written by unpopular writer...a doomed combination. lol. cuz i'm pretty sure popular authors would've gotten success even with unpopular subjects/characters...unfortunately they don't write unpopular stuffs. mostly. so unpopular continues to b unpopular, popular continues to b popular, the rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer, just the same ol thing over n over.  anything new? never. 

i'm just stubborn n shameless. that's how i'm still here.

i feel like i'm trying to capture sth i can never catch...maybe bcuz i don't even know what it is...maybe bcuz i'm just not determined enough....to catch anything.

maybe my existence is just to self indulge for as long as i exist here...

wow, now it feels like i'm becoming like my characters...lol, pls don't feel the need to take me seriously here...i tend to be into my characters'/fics' world n take in their feelings for whatevercrap reason...

the only character that made my world feel a little bright lately is Seongwook...lol. i feel like his mind is one i aspire to have....i already have a great plan for that fic...well,...of course, by that i mean great to me...if you don't even like what you've seen what are the chances you're gonna like my 'great plan'? lol. 

i even had to put my voice fics to hiatus T^T...bcuz i don't want to lose the rhythm n feel i'm getting from my 2 baby fics...though they're probly a depressing combo to be written alternately...with hardly any reader too, to add...but i'm not supposed to whine by choices i made fully aware of the consequence...

i need to be strong n keep going...

stronger than you ;) (woops...that's unintentional...but i just like that line from my spiderman-fictional, i mean)

alrite i'm out...

maybe i'll not write tonight afterall....

 

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see,...this is why i said i shouldn't have watch...

the length of blogpost that already longer than my fic update lmao...but take so much lesser time...

 

 

i need to sleep. yes. or no....uhm....