The post that started this whole thing 

Part I 

Part II

Holy , kids.

Guess what?

I literally rolled up my sleeves for this one. I can’t believe that I keep finding one piece of trash worse than the previous EACH TIME I GO ON THIS GODFORSAKEN WEBSITE. .

You know what time it is, motherers.

LET’S GO.

An alright title for what I would call gilded garbage

The general synopsis:

Luhan lost his parents in a plane crash, so since he was thirteen he has been forced to make ends meet. He’s lucky and gets to move in with his neighbor’s grandma (?) and the neighbor, who for the record is someone he considers to be like a real brother since they both lost their parents in the same crash. Luhan has had all types of odd jobs in order to scrape up rent, ranging from milk deliveries to walking dogs, waiting tables and cleaning up at clubs (where he gets molested but faces it all so bravely and in stride and then lies about it). The list of he did to earn money is long.

Unfortunately, Luhan apparently is destined to be poor forever, and decides that desperate times call for desperate measures. He chooses to volunteer as a surrogate mother, carrying someone else’s child, for hella cash. Sehun, the rich and angsty heir to [rich corporation name] is suddenly forced into having a child, because he’s almost thirty. He doesn’t need to marry, only make babies with . Why doesn’t Sehun marry, you may ask? Because he’s been stood up before, left at the altar by none other than his pregnant college boyfriend, Ren (who then chose to abort the child anyway). Still heartbroken, all he has to do in order to literally not get disowned by his own father is to produce an heir. Or something.

In an unexpected turn of events, Sehun gets wasted at the club which Luhan works at and tries to force Luhan into having with him. Luhan angrily rejects him and ends up in a lot of trouble with the club management – which then decides that there’s some random clause in his totally legally binding contract or whatever that essentially means that Luhan IS NOW A ING E and can’t do jack about it. He is ually abused by Sehun for some reason.

As you can imagine, y boys have y , etcetera.

My thoughts on the matter:

Wow. I hope you realize what you’ve done.

Funny – Sehun’s mother is introduced as “Sehun’s mother” as opposed to perhaps Sehun’s father, who is introduced as “Yunho, rich and keen on heirs”. Oh, wait, I read that wrong. Jaejoong is Sehun’s mother. Haha. Okay. I see what you’re doing here. Jaejoong got pregnant at 16 and then Yunho almost hit him with his car, but fell in love instead.

So, aside from the fact that, oddly, this actually isn’t a genderbend story, men can (and will) get pregnant entirely without the use of women in your alternate universe. What this tells me about you psychologically is that you may suffer from some deeper issues, unresolved from your childhood. Or envy, as Nietzsche Edit: *Freud would put it.  

Quick bonus rant: What is it with AFF’s obsession over men getting pregnant? Like? Why is this such a thing???????? I’m not saying that all things must be biologically truthful all the time, but can we at least stick to keeping it within reasonable ing boundaries? I wonder mostly what the point of women is in universes like these – they have no purpose other than embellishment to the story. They’re never responsible for anything that makes or breaks the plot. You know what would help? Adapting the Bechdel test – the only requirements to pass is that your story has at least two women who have a conversation about anything other than a man. Try that for a change.

Whatever, so, let’s accept that everyone and everything can get pregnant. Why, suddenly, are we living in a world that is akin to the 1930s where it was important to produce offspring before your physical expiration date? I can tell you why – you watched too many ing dramas, man. You know the one where Gong Yoo is soon turning 30 or whatever, and he gets no inheritance money from his mom unless he gets married? That one is Coffee Prince. The reason that it’s a great drama isn’t because it’s about how Gong Yoo must get married, it’s because he thinks he’s falling for a man despite not being gay. During the course of the series he gradually accepts his own uality in a homophobic society and realizes that love is just love no matter what gender the person is. THAT is why this drama is good.

See, you missed the point I think somewhere after the second episode or so. You got hooked on the fact that someone has to marry and make babies, not the actual interesting part. Why did you do this? Lemme tell you – because you want this to fit your ing storyline, because it needs to end with Sehun and Luhan ing each other and falling in love. That’s why.

It’s also why I’m angry. Again. You commit all types of literary sins just to make your story work. Shall we take them all in a nice, chronological order?

• You start with a pathetic backstory for a brave and hardworking character, because you are unable to write one unless you make use of a sad past. you.
• You make your main character go through ridiculous and illogical hardships that aren’t necessary to the plot, just to make sure that everyone knows how amazing he is.
• You write with blatant disregard to any biology lesson you’ve ever attended in school (if you actually attended, maybe you didn’t. Would explain a lot).
• You use about one million names from a multitude of fandoms, because you rely falsely on the assumption that everyone who listens to kpop knows who is who. I have no ing clue who Seungcheol is or whatever his name is.
• You have a grand total of ONE FEMALE CHARACTER that you’ve introduced in the story so far, and she’s an OC and a grandma. That’s it, end of list of women.
• You make no use of the great tip “show, don’t tell”. You write out in bold letters that it’s time for a flashback, and that the flashback has now ended. You do this because you can’t write a memory sequence or even the sentence “As Jaejoong sat still, he remembered the time when he first met Yunho”. That’s how you introduce a memory. That's literally it! .
• You make use of backseat ism, probably without realizing it.
• You think that it is emotionally engaging to read about someone who doesn’t actually know what hard work is but pretends that they do.
• You think it’s emotionally engaging to read about a character who gets cheated and isn’t happy, ever.
• You think that ual assault in literature is like dinnertime conversation; appropriate in the right amount. Here’s a hint: IT’S ING NOT. Luhan, 19, ually assaulted and abused by Sehun, 30ish. WOW.
• You think it’s emotionally engaging to read about men who get pregnant, whether they want to or not, holy . galore.

And you know, for some odd reason, I kind of hope that you fall into a cactus plantation. . Why not, right? You have to go through some hardships, otherwise how could you possibly grow as a person? Right?

RIGHT????????????????????????

?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Jesus. This is what we’re trying to work on, folks. Don’t write characters the way you want them to be so that they’ll fit the story – make it hard for them to fit what it is that you want. Have a general story planned out, but don’t make your character the tailored fit for it. There is always supposed to be a struggle of interests in any story, otherwise it’s not exciting or enticing to read.

Because I hate you and what you’ve done, allow me give you my take on how you could rework your story to not be so ing awful.

Luhan left behind his family in his former home country, and since he’s spent so long away from them, they’ve grown estranged. He now lives on a small salary in a smaller apartment in order to get by, but he ends up emotionally drained. He works exceptionally hard, but can’t seem to catch a break. In a weak moment, he chooses to abandon his formerly neat morals for a job as a male host in a club. He realizes very quickly that it isn’t the job for him, but he is conveniently propositioned by Sehun who happens to want some good company for a pretty sweet sum of money. Luhan hesitantly agrees, but learns the true meaning of regret as soon as it turns out that Sehun forgot to mention that he will end Luhan’s life if he tries to stop seeing Sehun. The conditions are dreadful, and Sehun is full of threats and anger. Luhan hates himself for making such a foolish mistake, but hates Sehun more for having tricked him. He, however, inadvertently finds out that Sehun’s family yearns for an heir and that Luhan is Sehun’s version of an escape. He ends up feeling conflicted at the sight of Sehun, because he now knows his true motives.

DID YOU ING SEE THAT? HUH? DID YOU?

Suddenly, we’re faced with a protagonist who has, essentially, the same problem as your character ends up having – the only difference is the whole pregnancy thing. However, what I’m trying to illustrate with this example is that you can write an engaging and interesting story without the use of either male pregnancy or a character who is nothing but determination and bravery.

I can’t ing deal.

WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SAD

WHY

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lemme... Lemme breathe. Just a second. 

Ok.

I don't know how much I can stress this. 

It’s okay to write about someone who had a normal life but who is still at odds with themselves.

Let’s talk for a second about Hari Seldon, the main character from Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series. Hari is a completely ing regular guy, with the exception that he has some ideas which differ from everyone else’s. He’s not emotionally damaged, he didn’t grow up tragically poor or orphaned and he doesn’t act that way either. Somehow, this makes him crazy relatable; he isn’t the person anyone would expect to go on a crazy ing space adventure, because he wasn’t written that way. Instead, we get to see a person who is shocked and terrified at what is happening, we get to read about his oncoming paranoia and his undying hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and we are elegantly shown the nature of the precarious gamble that motivates him.

THIS is what a story should look like. Now, misunderstand me right, I’m (again) not saying that you can’t write about someone who has had a hard time, but I’m saying that it gets really old really ing fast. Try to put yourself in the position of someone who has had no parents, has gone in and out of the foster care system, who has never had any real money and foremost never any lasting relationships – add, on top of this, physical and mental abuse, plus a dash of PTSD from the emotional turmoil that their life has been.

Be honest. The type of person who has gone through that is incredibly ed up. They don’t do what Luhan does in your story, they don’t take things at face value and accept them the way they are. They engage in self-destructive behavior most often, sure, but that doesn’t include accidentally signing up as a e for a rich and ually violent man. You could at least try to have a shred of realism to your story. Just… Try? For me?

No?

Well, you anyways. I’m wasting my ing time.

This story gets a TRIPLE NOPE OUT OF THREE NOPES. Grats.

Word count: in the neighborhood of 2,1k+

Also it’s spelled KIHYUN

NOT KYHYUN

GO STAN MONSTA X AS AN APOLOGY, S 

See y'all next week unless I've died of shame by then.

God.