Ughh...idk how to start this...

I had actually been preparing a coherent, not-so-spazzy but more well put together blogpost and it was longggg
as usual...but it was unusually organized and well put out and a lot of thoughts went in there...a lot of
topics too...and it was so much more deeper and complex than my usual stuffs here, and i poured so much of
myself into the post...so much of my deepest darkest most disturbing thoughts...carefully worded...and that's rare for me since my posts are usually just spazzy rambling all over the place lol...

And then there's some internet and computer problem and whatdyou know...the next moment...all lost. just like
that. shiet.

Well, i did saved partially...but i don't like to post that halfbaked part...so...

Ugh...why don't AFF has this automatically save feature like blogger?????

I'm so annoyed and frustrated at my now gone rare masterpiece that i feel the need to yell or slap any annoying ppl that appear before me...so think twice before appearing with annoying words...gulp...lol

Well, maybe there's a silver lining...maybe y'all who stalk my posts here don't deserve to get to see that side of
me (as if you even want to lmao)...haa...although tbh...i'm always more willing to show myself to strangers than friends.

Oh well...not gonna go all over again.

I'll just sum up what i can still think of...but most of what were in previous posts won't go here...lol. at
least not the deeper ones. also the random entertainment related like kard ship or specifically my kard ship n the rudeness of the other ship shippers ugh, produce 101 male season, and annoying sick bts fans who go rudely attacking others just same ol like any other day won't be included here too...too bad...

Before we start...

Background song (that accompanied my thoughts earlier when i was actually preparing the coherent post ughh...haven't you heard...cool music inspire coolness? lol)

^ it's a fanvideo though...the only flaw here is the lack of Taegu scenes(when he's the driving force of the
drama n our main duo)...i can't believe that Hyunho's crazy fanboy dude actually got more screentime it
seem...hmm...i guess the more mysterious the better? but still that crazy fanboy dude? he's like the least interesting baddie...song is so cool though, i like it...and this is coming from someone who usually don't fancy rap much...

- I've calmed down from my Voice excitement n i don't think i have the capacity, the ability, to write a solid
thriller...i'm not that good enough and i'm lazy. So as of now...i decided it's best to not pursue the fanfic plan...haa didn't i say it earlier everytime i share ideas it's like sendoff for them?....

- Maybe i'll write drabbles instead? based on the feels n thoughts i've been getting after watching this
drama?...i love drabbles...after doing a set last year...and rereading them...i feel the shorter the
story...the better i write somehow...i guess i'm such a limited person that i work so well with limitations.

- You know the greatest limitation tho? i think it's knowing and accepting your own limitation. that's the
greatest or rather the worst kind of limitation...and i feel...that's where i'm at now. maybe because i've
felt so defeated for so long in life that i don't have the drive to fight anymore...i don't even have the will
to dream big anymore...almost like a vessel...i still have lots of thoughts and opinions about the world...i
still have ideas or suggestion for lots of situations anyone bring up...but somehow...i don't have the courage
to believe that i can do anything for my own good with what i have...no amount of motivational talks can help
me bcuz i'm aware of all the things i should feel n think...but it's just that i've accepted my limitation.

- there's a contest going around sometime ago...where again, i felt tempted to enter...bcuz the winner will get their story to be made webtoon or sth...and i've one story i always wish to see how my characters might be interpreted since even i don't know how they exactly look and i think i'd be interesting to see how they're interpreted in imagery...but again...i ended up cancelling my initial thought to join...i always cancelled whenever i thought of joining contests here anyway...except once when the writers identities were kept secret from voters who vote for fics they like the most....of course i got voted off first and i expected as much since i didn't write about the typical idols popular in aff...my stuff might not be amazing level....but i know they're not as bad as to get voted off first but oh well...i may sound vain...but we all have that side of us...at least i'm honest with mine.

- Watching Voice and while i felt like writing a fic for it previously(before i cancelled the thought and gave up)...i did some research on the poet involved in the drama, and been searching n listening to random creepy classical music...to get the feel...and i thought a lot...i wondered why evil is almost always crafted to be so much more interesting and attractive than good...i wondered on every creepy arts, literature, monument, folktales in the world...what cause/inspire their creations. i find the things behind the creation of creepy stuffs more disturbing and creepy than creepy stuffs themselves. don't you? Don't go on simple bullshiet explanation like 'creativity' bcuz i'm not that naive to settle on that. 

- Also...i think about the world today...and how the things/aspects human in general used to consider good in common belief way back then, today are considered ridiculous, outdated and all things rotten and bad, and how things that back then were generally considered wrong by our common sense n common understanding are now getting the most support as something that should be respected and supported and rooted for. (Please don't ask me to elaborate or give examples bcuz i'm not going to throw myself to be attacked and ended up the one annoyed.) I wonder how we come to this. i feel a sense of fear to live in this time...seeing how things have evolved or rather flip...in a very disturbing way...yet knowing i can't do anything about it. Any attempt to try 'fix' this will not work because people believe what they want to believe. that includes myself actually. 

I wonder if this is something i should call enlightenment, an act of rebelling, or simply...a result of longterm subtly incorporation of brainwash in all aspects of our life. Maybe i don't want to know. maybe the answer won't even matter anyway. I'm a selfish coward human being just trying to keep myself afloat. i'm sure some or most of you will just dismiss me as being too imaginative/delusional or whatnot...but...who cares? i already predict even the response...nothing surprise me anymore...you can keep think what you want...i never force anyone to follow my way of thinking/train of thoughts. we all have our own brains, minds for a reason. that is, to use them.

- Speaking of Voice though....yay Voice spazzing session again...no worries though this is probly the final part of my Voice spazz trilogy since the story already ended(though i see OCN showing there'd be special episode...omg)...i've downloaded last episode so the following will contain spoilers.

It was creepy, although the hero n heroin remain as bland as ever(and by that, i meant the writing of their characters...the acting were great n compelling to me despite the lacklustre characterization). Of course though i couldn't possibly root for the psychopath, though, i'm appalled at myself for earlier even rooting for the bad guy to live instead of the hero simply cuz the psycho is more interesting n it'd be great if they could drag him to be in a second season or something, and for the heroin to simply kick some ...it's nice that she's calm and all but i want to see her losing her cool for once and really go crazy since she has all the reasons to, really.

back to final ep...i got the faceoff i wanted but it was rather tame...or rather, too tame since the heroine just let the bad guy do whatever he wants to her (seem that she'd even let him kill her) without giving the smallest sign of fight other than talking n talking, preaching at him lol(would it hurt to make her kick him a little to make him trip and fall down or something?). i guess it's quite understandable though and not entirely out of character, because having worked in a call center myself(surprise? nah)...i feel that calm tone and eloquency in talking is just a skill you're bound to pick up, unless you're thaaaat bad. Words are powerful...but it's not always bout what you say, but also...how you say it. And thinking of that reality aspect, i think Lee Hana nailed her role as the beaten traumatized weak but won't show it bcuz she need to be strong to catch the killer of her dad. Even if she's not badass physically, she's not supposed to be that, she already showed her fearless side. And besides, she was just buying time in that last fight scene for Jinhyuk to arrive since she had set up herself as bait to get Taegu and she just knew Taegu too well since he chose to go for her instead of saving himself after seeing her interview with that almost childlike glee n fascination as he always has for her. i guess...i shouldn't complained too much...the show did it on purpose....creating both separate clear cut roles for Kwonjoo to be the calm and brainy one, and Jinhyuk to be the aggressive loud fighter, so that they will need n complement each other to achieve their revenge goal. Although characterization is rather poor still, since outside of their guilt n remorse over their loved ones' deaths, it's hard to see them as real people more than just machinated cops to catch the baddies...especially Janghyuk's role(he'a Jinhyuk) who's always running around to fight all the bad guys like they don't have any other cop to do the fighting than him. lol. Some of that time could be used to develop him as a person that could make me appreciate him better. Yesung as Hyunho and Son Eunseo as Eunsoo were also underutilized especially the latter i guess...i feel so bad at them to be relegated as in charge of PPL...i guess Yesung was a little luckier since as the hacker master...he had more use to be shown and he even got an episode/case dedicated for him though Eunseo had it too...that was before she joined the team and once she joined her use wasn't shown much if any when she's supposed to have her specialization too, at least Baek Sunghyun as Daeshik serve more purpose and i frankly think he gets so much more screentime and purpose in the story because the writer/director wanted viewers to suspect him as the killer,which it seem a lot of people did in early episodes..though at first glance...when they announced the cast, and you noticed all of the main/confirmed cast went to press conference and do interviews except for Kim Jae Wook...i kinda already know for sure he'd be the killer cuz cmon...they can't have him talk about his role in press conference obviously...tbh i think they shouldn't even have announced his casting in the first place before the drama started. Speaking of Kim Jae Wook...i take back my words about wanting to see more nuance in his portrayal of Mo Taegu. That last episode...dude was so crazy good...i can see his conflicted mental state at one part...but i can't deny he's evil n not just to blame it on being crazy, most time he's just like a child devil...sometimes in just one scene/one expression...he was able to convey a lot of feelings/thoughts/layers, sometimes there's even a split second when his fascination over what Kwonjoo has to say on tv looked so pure, and at one time he seemed almost tempted to be lured to repentance/guilt/good side after Kwonjoo's endless preaching lmao though mostly he's just too far into the evil lane to turn back. I'm thoroughly impressed by the complexity shown...and his ending...wow...i thought he was killed mentally...but i guess...that last scene in the mental hospital...was the doctor the next psycho killer(with different tool) and did the doctor cultivate killers in that hospital or what....so many questions in my head...i shouldn't feel bad bcuz Taegu deserve it...but i can't help it. isn't it in human nature to despise violence done to any living thing? am i supposed to relish seeing what happened to him? So, he deserve that bcuz he's a sicko himself? I'd rather if he didn't actually get stabbed by those mob physically, but in his mind...so that the 'punishment' could reoccur over n over rather than a simple creepy death when he's not entirely menflly fit to savour it. Hahh...look at me, just now speaking like i'm such highly human being and now wishing for a longer torture...also, i'm not happy Kwonjoo didn't get to arrest Taegu with her own hands. I mean...after all the trauma, the sacrifices, the hell she went through by herself all the years alone in her fight, let the poor girl make her dad proud with her own hands, she even sacrificed herself to bait the devil. Ugh...i mean Jinhyuk should already be happy he got to shoot Taegu like 4-5 times. Oh well...at least the show ends with Kwonjoo's another day helming her position as the head of golden times unit at the call center dept, taking another call and using her super hearing (that she developed after an accident in the past) to save lives just like any other day...quite an understated badass way to end. Of course, in the last scene there won't be Jinhyuk since he'd be out running around to save lives as usual. I'm glad Daeshik isn't made entirely bad though he took wrong step to work for the devil's even if for his dad's health sake. it seem he's not dead but idk...i'm glad he'd still be good with Jinhyuk cuz i kinda ship these best buddies/partners. Taegu's dad's final scene was kinda creepy though. that sound of blood dripping. ><...why must the bad guys all getting quick deaths...cmon. this show had lots of disturbing sound when it comes to the violence parts.

To end my spazzing of Voice ep...here, Taegu's final scene for ya...

Tragic ending of crazy sick dude got killed by another of his kind...he should feel honoured i guess. (hope you didn't watch in the middle of the night...though i did lol)

So, the question now is...is there gonna be next season? Is the psycho doctor gonna be the new killer? I want to know bout creepy psycho doctor n his sick hospital now! but will Kwonjoo n Jinhyuk be motivated enough...i mean he just killed Taegu their mutual enemy lmao, wouldn't they secretly feel thankful to our Doctor nim? lol. Or is the psycho doctor cultivating more killers to go on killing spree? Or am i getting it all wrong? Because Taegu's last scene really kinda confuse me...but if they're having next season...without Taegu...i mean...dude made great impact...if he's dead....maybe they can cast Kim Jae Wook again as a lookalike our detectives suspect as Taegu who faked his death and still going about killing when it's actually mr.creepy doctor who did the killings now and this Taegu lookalike is innocent...but he can be suspicious the whole series to make all of us sing in chorus that he's the one like the viewers did with Daeshik here. but at the end...after doctor creepy got caught...maybe we can get revelation that indeed...there's something sinister with this Taegu lookalike...muhahahaha, and end of story. How's that? xD OR...they can also make Eunseo another crazy baddie compliance...since she's so underutilized in Voice. whaat...why all the baddies must be crazy...ok maybe the not crazy baddie? I think she has the ability to carry off something more than product placement agent. Cmon i need a second season...but screw second season if they change the heroine bcuz i come out of this bigger fan of Lee Hana, i've been stalking her instagram and stuffs...she seems really nice n down to earth n a lil oldfashioned? and seems she's either not very socialized or just good at keeping away scandals since she hardly post pics with her main male costars, or even female lol, only cast with smaller roles or the crews/staffs...she plays music too n has a hippie feel to her and lots of her posts are cartoons, animals, random screenshots of movies etc. i still don't know too much of her but i hav small girlcrush...lol. so yeah they can replace all other actors(though...Taegu~~~ i mean...this drama made me develop a certain curiosity n appreciation/acknowledgement for Kim Jaewook too though i remember thinking he's impressive enough in Bad Guy to hold his own against the lead guy played by Kim Nam Gil where the heroin-Han Gain was beyond horrible but bcuz i liked the older sister so much played by Oh Yeonsoo...i stuck around-she's like...major girlcrush in there><...lol...good old times..Jung Somin was the creep crazy one in that drama tho-am i the only one who loved the ending of that drama? cmon....why ppl expecting boring neatly tied happy endings all the time?) but not Kwon Joo....cmon...

Okay, now i want to make an offer to any talented writers out there looking for a shot to fame/appreciation of your talent even if just in AFF? Can you write me a Kwonjoo-Taegu centric suspense/thriller/adrenaline rushing creepy chaptered fic that fits their characteristics in the drama? I have no confidence in my ownself...i just need Kwonjoo to be cool, calm and strong like in the drama and also...badass(but not too overly badass it's unrealistic)...and you can make Taegu as sick as you want...but i don't want any side to get their win so easily...pure antagonistic or sick slight romance i don't care...just make it believable and keep me on the edge of my seat...make it suspenseful and thrilling and inducing question marks to the readers? that'd make me so happy....don't make it too simplistic, or too sappy n preachy...though if you're just making that preachy part to keep with Kwonjoo's nature i'll accept lol.

The catch?

If you think you're able to do that fic for me...and if i like it so much...i'll advertise your fic for you. karmapoints all on me. If...it doesn't exactly fit what i want...i'll give some consolation points for your effort (but please don't start a fic without being really serious about it just for some karma...i can see in your writing if you're really being serious bout it or not...)

Or maybe you can show me your previous work so i can get one sample of fic i like, so that i'll just need to choose one person to work on my request...and with advertisement guaranteed. less people will have their time wasted on my petty req?

Idk guys...take your pick....

You can even use my plot suggestions...if you want...

Though I would prefer someone who actually watch the drama and have genuine passion about the drama, characters and genre to write the fic...but i doubt there's any here?

Or maybe i should just do it on my own despite my shortcomings since it seems i'm being too picky now lol....uhh...but i'm really unconfident with longer fics...and i so want a longer fic since they had too little scenes together in the drama n i kinda fell into the ship of their antagonistic/admiration dynamics. 

I can't guarantee fame for you bcuz aff is very kpop idol centric and i'm requesting a drama AU fic...not even one of those hyped kdramas like dots or goblin or whatever zzz...BUT...advertisement is a way to get your talents out there, it increase chances...if you're good enough surely there'd be readers who seek for more than just typical stuffs and would appreciate your fic even if it doesn't include oppar unnir.

Up for it? let me know...with your plans.

;)

Not interest? no worries...i'm used to blabbering things that don't interest peeps here anyway...just...trying my luck without putting much hope....

ps: i know it seems hypocritical/double standard of me to criticize cross n gene mv but not this drama rite? i know...but to me it's two different things...Music videos don't need to be that dark n evil...especially when the lyrics aren't even that explicity/specific...n the evil there didn't show that there's any punishment of sorts to the evil...it's just plain evil for the sake of it...but in drama/fiction sense though....if they can provide any lesson or anything thought provoking bout it...i'm up for violence...it's not like they're shown in fanciful light.