u guys can easily ignore this tbh unless you actually care :') but also i'm multi-tasking with a scholarship due soon so if u see stuff about like financial need and stuff that's my scholarship LMAO (though unlikely that u will lellel)

i'm really so triggered???????????

and stressed?? i really can't i just want tO CRY which explains why i'm here a lot nowadays (not that i wasn't before... but i am literally on this site either on the computer or phone now) to get my mind off of things, also why i put out the jeju disneyland applyfic much earlier than i had originally anticipated (which if u haven't seen ,check it eheheh) 

but reading, writing and making new characters just make me feel so much better i'm grateful that this website exists lol

but that's besides the point lmao

my family is going through a rough patch sort of emotionally and financially, since we have to pay for THREE college tuitions next year... i'm trying to comfort my mom since she's depressed and things are happening

and right now my school grades aren't that great and of course that's all on me but i'm just trying really hard to just all of them up before the semester ends (god bless the snow days bc we got an extension on our semester--) so i haven't been hanging out with my friends and i thought they would understand but they don't because they keep passively calling me out on it??? like i've increased my tutoring hours and what days i go home solely so i can catch up, but they don't understand that since they're all caught up (or just don't care) and so i explain to them

but they're like u go home so much and go to tutoring so much why aren't you caught up--

idk i'm slow i'm not fast like u??? and she got upset and there was this whoole thing about this tennis practice that i said i would skip but apparently my friend who i drive home bc of convenience got really upset!! like she thought i was mad at her for lecturing me and never was i mad at her, and i made that clear as day but she kept coming at me sideways and got me so messed up i was just so stressed so like i cried in class (i was texting her mind you) and i just walked out 

but she kept going and was like why are u screwing me over ur so ing petty to leave me like this, now i have to walk home in the dark like what the sophia (pls that wasn't my intention omg--)

and she just kept coming at me and i apologized and i offered to drive her home (apparently she didn't like my tone i just said honestly, what do u want then, for me to come pick you up and drive u home? and she was like no not with the way ur asking) then i apologized like three different times and tried to reason with her but she was really mad so i sent this whole paragraph sending my side and my explanation about i was never mad at her, my intentions and just explaining everything to herrrrrrrrrrr and apologized like one more time in that paragraph but her reply was "fine. i have nothing to say about this anymore anyway." and left it there

so i thought it was ok bc she snapped me right after the whole thing went down so i thought it was cool?? and it went on like that since this always happens between us, so i thought it would blow over?? which it did i guess?? like i apologize and she takes it-- but this time she didn't and i'm so stressed if she's actually going to let this get between our friendship... idk i feel like i'm always apologizing even though i'm not wrong??? ugh maybe i'm overthinking this i'm not sure-- but yeah she still hasn't talked to me "normally" if u know what i mean??

but then like there was this dude who liked me for a whole year-- he had like the whole year to give up on me bc i told him very clearly we could not be a thing because i didn' t like him, so i just tried to be friends with him, and so i talked to him like a normal friend, but after awhile he got really annoying and just super clingy and i was like kk dude u gotta STEP BACK but he didn't understand that, we got into a fight and i just didn't talk to him for weeks, but then he messages me again saying hi blablaba and u could tell i didn't want to talk bc i literally just said "lol ye" or smth like that but he kept going somehow?? i applaud ur persistence m8 but please get off my D pls ^^ so i just muted him lol and i thought he would stop talking to me but that didn't happen bc he messaged me in december telling me merry christmas a good 4 days early, and asked what i wanted for xmas-- i said nothing but he kept trying to talk so i just talked back a little hoping it would die, which it did so left it-- but he kept goin... and so he sent me sean mendez lyrics and i was like lol sean mendez is m fave can't fool me, but he KEP T GOING????? and sent me jb lyrics like wtf ok i like his new songs but fr wtf-- and so i was like well okat lol ima leave u on seen, is that cool? just don't wanna talk but he was like wtf did i dOOOOOO and i was really bouta say "be annoying and clingy af" but i was like nah so i just "just don't wanna talk to u rn" and he was like wtf did i do?? new year, forget the past!! lol m8 no way i don't want to bring u into the new year-- but i left him on seen, he spammed, and told me to myself sigh and this was also around the time someone important to me died ha :I 

and then just today i spent so much of my energy talking to an acquaintance, who had asked for ing nudes... like?? i know all this isn't a big deal, but it's all happening in such a short time, i've never had to deal with so much bs and stress at once-- so sorry if it seems like i'm whining haha, i'm sure you're all going through something much rougher than me. but anyways, he just asked me out of the blue and ofc i told him no many times before he was like "fine send me a selfie and make it hot" and i was like??? excuse me?? do u think i'm some trashy girl??? and so i said now, and i went on about how he was being a and told him to go away-- he didn't ofc. and then he was offering money for nudes!! i was so taken aback that someone i knew would do this-- and this was his first time ever doing it. i was like if u want nudes, ask somone else i'm sure there's someone desperate for it "but i want urs" PLSSS-- and he kept offering me money like am i a e???? i was so so mad, and went on about telling him i wasn't an object or smth and it was a whole rant which i bet he didn't even READ, so i just send him a color and told him to go away-- he kept going about it saying "why u gotta be like this?" like uhm excuse me? and that got me going off on him again, which i doubt he read bc he kept asking, so i told him i would block him, and he was like i would have left u alone if u sent me nudes. who does he think i am, honestly. i was mad, i blocked him.

and i'm sorry this may really just seem like whining idk but i just don't have many people to talk to since my circle is quite small since i prefer it like that, and 2 out of 4 of my friends are probably mad at me since the whole tennis incident, and one of my friends ALWAYS side with her without even hearing my side... so i don't dare talk to them rn,,, other friend isn't vv helpful lol but yea applause if u made it thru

brb while i go wipe away tears and work on a scholarship haha byeeee < 3 oh and if i don't reply to you asap via snap or on here, just know it's because i haven't been using my phone often in anxiety that my friend is gonng come at me lol