So...i guess i've umm...calmed down and repented from spazzing/fangirling/shipping too much here...at least for now...

I really like to express my thoughts n feelings...but i hate the feeling that it's always a onesided oversharing...so i need to control myself and pretend to be more reserved and cool to match everyone else...lol.

i also noticed that one reason i might keep failing to update/write fics again...is probly cuz...i keep choosing things/subjects/characters i feel deeply about to explore in fics...when that just don't work. i get insecure and felt exposed when i feel like i'm revealing things i don't really want to...as a result...i can't go as deep as i want...well, i don't understand how to explain this in a more understandable way...but i don't think i even need to explain so...yeah...lol. maybe my age is catching up that i get more embarrassed n insecure easily...eh...then why am i still here thinking of writing fanfics?

I like to express my feelings...but fanfic form feel too straightforward...when it comes to any personal feelings...i prefer to pour it in poem form...i get ultimate satisfaction and happiness from that. my fanfics are fictional even if i like making them as realistic n relatable/human as possible...but they're not me. My poems...at least half are really my deepest feelings worded in a way that i feel allowed me to express myself while being rather discreet... i guess i need to ponder again on what i really want and confident to write about as fanfic if i am going to keep on with it...i just realized that whatever it is...it can't be something i feel strongly about...maybe in the past i could...but now i just can't...

heck i don't even know why i still consider about writing fanfic...i guess it's hard for me to let go something you're just so used to...even if it's already time to let go...

Even poetry....sharing them here makes me nervous...these are creations that are very personal for me...and having subscribers who never give any feedback at all makes me nervous...i would rather they just unsubscribe since i made it subscriber only...but having posted 89 poems n not getting feedback on even one poem from over 90% of them...makes me paranoid(i really don't expect them to comment for every single poem...but to have nothing to say about any of them makes me question why they're even still there and not leaving yet)....but i'd still rather that than not applying this subs only feature and having more silent stalkers reading my personal feelings and thoughts....

i find that scary. intimidating.

Yeah i'll admit i'm kinda paranoid with silent judgment...

Anyway, the title is abt popularity right? i should get to the topic...pshhh...

I realized...the benefit/advantage of not having popularity...i mean i might have always realize it...but yeah....when you have zero popularity and you're not stressed out to gain any...that's when you feel the ultimate freedom to express and really just write what you want without a care of what anyone else want out of your own creation. There's nothing at stake. Nothing to gain. People always talk about write what you want...but in the end...they would write with consideration of their readers too/or whatever that would have readers...mostly that's what i've seen. There was once, when i did whatever i want...even though in some parts i was pressured to please some of my readers...but i went with my heart for the ending...causing some uproar...considering it was my most popular fic in here(not really that popular at all by aff standard but in comparison to my other fics...lol)...but i felt great and satisfied. they call my ending n fic disappointing bcuz it didn't satisfy them...but i'm damn proud of my decision to go against typicality.

After that fic...i think i was trying to held on to my momentary small popularity among my readers of that one fic....i tried to replicate my success....but it didn't feel right.it didn't feel sincere. i couldn't write. i couldn't find the same feel n genuine excitement i felt for the first one. 

Later on...i continued doing whatever i want...even if it means zero reader...as the wise ppl in aff always preach about write for yourself...that's what i did...even if most time...i ended up insecure of my own writing n ideas or lose interest and ended up not completing most...

Having no reader means when something didn't end up well or at all...the only one you'd disappoint is yourself...and you know you always love what you do...if you don't you can always scrape it off...of course pressure can be the thing you need to actually write...and there are downside of having no desire to please anyone...but well...that's not the point of this post...so i don't feel the need to tell that downside...

i have no intention to preach to anyone to be unpopular or write for yourself or whatever too...since everyone has their own individual goal/thoughts/intentions/desire...that i feel deserved to be respected as individuals...there's already too much judgmentalness and ppl everywhere trying to act genius and justify everything they do as right and everything they don't as wrong when not everything is about right or wrong...and judging others by using yourself as the standard/measurement is rather lame...people just generalize too much. i try not to be bothered...but i hate to be lumped into a pile of generalization...like when something is a craze/trend and people would make overconfident statements like of course 'everyone' loves this who doesn't. i'm like...'uh no i don't.' Sorry to break it to you but humans aren't robots with same taste/preference/mentality/everything...surprise! (even if many of your friends show sameness..but doesn't make it right to use words like 'everyone' or all.) Back then i'd probly have more bravado to come to these peeps and tell them like it is...but now...i'm really trying to tone down my uhm...whatever you call it...and just...idk keep myself safe n free from drama entanglement?

Anyway, to end this post.....even though i'm trying really hard to not spread my fangirling here anymore....i'd like to share a song...

Now...kids...this is the kinda thing i like...(well, other than my Weather Forecast oppars <3)...please don't lump me into your generalization pile of 'everyone'. (i mean, i know most of you don't even know me and are just probly blogwalkers...but when you say/assume everyone lurves your oppar/unnir...technically...that is including me...n really, i don't...at all...)

^ Title song from their 4th album.

Lately...as you probly know if you're my blog stalker before i privatized the posts lol....i've been listening a lot to this duo's songs. When i look around...i guess male duos were quite a trend back in the 90s to early 2000...there's quite a handful of them...normally...i'm not one who's easily impressed by title songs...but after listening to all their albums...i find myself liking quite a number of their title songs...maybe not all...but mostly...and this song here, is just cool methinks...><...

Now that i think of it...maybe my main/real intention of posting this is just to post a song from them...lmao. I hate my too honest/open self...well, since it's already revealed...might as well add another one...

^ first song is their debut song, second song is from their final full album together... i think this perf was like in 2007...after awhile since their last full album together n they probly have parted ways...i think they reunited and held concerts together or sth but their live here sound so freaking good (okay their live in other perfs sound good too, but here they seem so much at ease and it added to the impact...i just love it n get more excited when singers show passion n confidence in their own performances...n for me passion isn't something you can judge just from how stylish/grand a stage is or choreo or budget...it's all from within the singers themselves...n that's not something you can easily find....acting cool anyone can do...but being cool is different....ok i'm biased....)...but this was for music bank 400 special stage...i'm not sure...but i think some of their title songs had gotten #1 in charts back in the days...though that definitely is not a factor for my liking their songs...They have slower songs too, in their winter album many of the songs are slower...and judging by the fanchants in their perfs they're probly really popular back in the days too...n to think they exist at the same time with HOT, Sechskies, Shinhwa, G.O.D, etc.

Now that i think of it...i kinda hate X-Man...for how many old songs n singers i discover from there that got me so freaking addicted for songs from a decade ago or even older...but you know when i say hate here what it really means right. blergh. but really, i do genuinely hate it for some reasons like it's so hard to find their stuffs/perfs even though i know there were lots...T^T...

There are songs from the present i like...i mean i do keep up with most new releases...but they don't give me that torturous tugging impact like Country Kko Kko songs from 90s-2002 or Girl Friends' Maybe I Love You or Lee Ji Hye's Love Me Love Me from 2006...these were songs i got really addicted to from December 2016 until now n probly until some time later...n following youtube charts like kville and listening to all new releases only make them pale so much in comparison...at least for me...i mean i got addicted to KARD song around the same time...but i already calmed down from that craze...but these oldies songs...no...i'm still addicted...even April song which got me playing it on repeat mode when it was released...i've calmed from that phase....but the oldies songs...nope not yet...

Outdated love is torturous. at this point, i don't look down on you current mainstream kpop idolgroups' fans(unless you like them just cuz they're popular then yeah i might look down on that...)...but rather...i envy you...for having the privilege i can't have...back then i was such a noob...i only bothered abt oppars...which means...at that time...Shinhwa...and anyone related like Battle(who later took on my main interest throne from Shinhwa lol...until now)...i missed out all these greatness...

Oh well, that's the downside of liking unpopular things...i mean, they were popular...but currently...not.

i have love hate relationship with this... unpopular things. but i guess...mostly love...

but with popular stuffs...usually it's just no-love relationship...haha.

it wasn't intended. it just happened.

and thinking bout it again...i probly like their music more than Shinhwa's. or maybe i'm giving out biased judgment since they're my current interest. i still believe my Weather Forecast oppar music are my soulmates though i feel like Country Kko Kko oppars went up at quite an impressive rate...considering i fell hard for Weather Forecast not just cuz of their music n members but also their lyrics...and for Country Kko Kko...i'm yet to even uncover their lyrics....

well, while i'm at it...might as well add some more of their songs that i like...muhaha..i'm greedy...well, just the ones they performed live...i'm lazy to list out all that i like...and i just lurrrveee live perfs.

Although Gimme Gimme and Kiss might be some of their more popular ones with international fans(since there were younger idols performing those songs n youknow typical annoying kpop fans 'oppar/unnir brought me here' attitude)...i don't fancy those songs as much as the ones i'm sharing here...like i say...it wasn't intended for me to dislike popular stuffs...it just happened...i guess i have some weird fate with anything related to any unpopular situation/circumstances..

sigh.

Opparrr....

hahahah....