I wish I was heartless

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe. I calmed myself down, fell back asleep, and this process repeated multiple times. Today's morning was much the same.

Recently I've just constantly been on the brink of crying, all hours of the day. Over just... nothing. It's stupid and I hate it. I can't think about anything, I have to just blast my brain with stimulation, reading, music, youtube, anything. Because anytime I don't have anything to think about, it feels like I've been holding my breath for a solid minute and like I'm choking on air.

It's so stupid, and I hate all of this. Why can't I just be happy? I'm on antidepressants that have worked great before, and I've never really even had a solid anxiety problem, so what the is this? It's all bull. I wish I didn't have any feelings, and that I didn't care about anything. That's the image I project, and usually it's somewhat true. But the past week or so, everything has been stupid. Bull, all of it. I wish my feelings would just off.

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jae12340 #1
The same things has happened to me. I hope it gets better for you
callmesabby #2
I can feel you, seriously. Because sometimes I also face the same thing,and it became worst for a few months ago. I, who have passion on studies more than anyone, suddenly didn't want to study anymore. I barely opened my books and I even skipped schools without any proper reason. Just like feeling to do it. And sometimes, I don't want to do anything and I wish I can sleep all day long, but it is impossible since I have to eat and wake up to survive. But truthfully, I have nothing to do. I cried, but just like you, it was over nothing. I just want to cry, that's all. Things happened and just as what you hoped too, I also wished that I were heartless. So I don't have to feel anything, neither sad or happy, just like a plain paper without any spots staining on it.


How did I overcome it?

I posted on the blogpost, and thankfully many people here who were concerned, wrote many good advices and told me to stay strong. True, it's better to say than make it done. But their supports, though we don't know each other personally, somehow motivated me to keep with the faith and move on, despite there is lot of things coming ahead.


Finding a reason to stay alive, won't end unless you're dead. But once you're breathless, regrets is useless. Nothing can be changed when you've no heart/feelings anymore. Try to find something, i.e a new hobby to distract your focus for a moment so you know you have to keep you "heart" to get along with it, at least. Being heartless may be good for some situations, but without a heart, you're not a human being. You will become a robot that only follows the guide and obey to the commands from the one who keeps your controller.


Do you really want to be that kind of person? Take a while to think, deeply.


Love,
Sabrina
MissMinew #3
I'm so sorry to hear that! I hope it gets better in a few days or less. Truly. <3
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