I just want to let this out somewhere because there's not a single place for me to vent my feelings and although no one can truly understand how I feel and no one will even read this, I just want to spit it out somewhere.

I've always been an introvert and didn't really like to socialize alot with people outside.

I've always had trouble in social situations ever since I was young (although it got much better as I grew up.)

But now that I'm 18, this is hitting me stronger than ever and I'm not sure what to do..

I don't know, suddenly I've become so conscious ofmy surroundings that everytime I'm outside, I feel this rush of panic through me that tells me that I have to get to a place where no one is there.

I get this attack of fear everytime I'm outside surrounded by people.

Although I know that everyone tells me "No one is really interested in you", it's kind of hard to think that if you're suffering from this.

I don't even know what this thing is, if this is a disorder or whatever.

I realized that my social skills on interacting with people have dramatically gotten worse and now it's so hard for me to even hold a normal conversation for more than 10 minutes. (Especially with people I'm new with.)

I know everyone can be like that but I've just gotten to the point where I can't even look into someone's eyes for an entire conversation.

Now, I can't even go up to a restaurant or even a stall and order food or just ask for something because I am so scared of having to interact with that person.

I've even become so afraid of phone calls that sometimes I have hard time breathing.

Even when I'm at certain places where other people my age are talking and laughing and having fun, I can't even join in and I'm always sitting in the corner listening to what they're saying.

When one of the people say something to me, I feel this sharp puncture of fear pierce me as the rest of the people have their eyes on me and their faces suddenly turn so cold and hostile, a 180 degrees change from when they were talking amongst themselves.

I know that's just something that's natural because they don't really know me and everything, but everytime that happens to me I always feel like all these people have something against me and hate me, which makes me so sad.

Inside, I want to join in those conversations and I want to be able to talk out loud and laugh comfortably with those people and have alot of friends around me. It's been such a long time since I've actually had a proper laugh with anyone other than myself or through the media.

It just makes me want to stay in my room forever and not come out again.

It's like.. I know what my problem is but I can't solve it..

I'm worried because college is just around the corner for me and when I go to college, I'm really OFFICIALLY on my own and I won't have my room that I can hide in because I'll have to share it with a roommate.

I've had a really hard time making friends in High School and leaving my friends behind to go make new ones in college seems like such a daunting thing to me..

I know you guys are probably going to think I'm some antisocial freak and it's fine, go ahead if you think that way.

I just wanted to let it out..

sigh

I wonder if my life will ever get better.

If this major problem gets better, I just know I could be so much happier in life.