My Boyfriend and I have been going out for 100 days now and we were having a light drink and the topic of his ex-girlfriend came up.

I know this is my fault that I asked about it first but I thought I would be okay after listening to it and there was a part of me that just wanted to know about it. It was really like opening a Pandora's box.

So it turned out he had three girlfriends in the past.

So he told me about how he met them and how he broke up and I was completely fine, didn't feel anything.

But when he was talking about his 2nd one, he said he liked her so much that she could have been his first love.

Because his 1st girlfriend was only for 3 days, his 2nd girlfriend was technically his first.

His 2nd gf, they started dating in Korea (they started dating 10 days before my BF left for America). Then after he left for America, they were on a long distance relationship and I think from there on they dated like for 3 more months but the girl didn't contact him as much and when he was planning to visit her in Korea, she said she wanted to break up.

He said he felt really sad because he still liked her but he had to break up because they were so far and stuff. 

When I heard that story, at first I was just like ok I think I'm okay with this story

But after I got home, I started feeling paranoid because I was comparing myself to his 2nd girlfriend with whatever I did.

My Boyfriend's a lot of first time was with that 2nd girlfriend.

His first time having , his first time with most stuff was with her and I just kept thinking about how much he must have liked her and whatever I do with him I keep comparing myself with the 2nd girlfriend.

What if I'm not as good as the 2nd girlfriend?

He probably doesn't like me as much as he liked his 2nd girlfriend.

Men can't forget their first love.

Yesterday I was crying in my bed and I called him but I hung up as soon as I heard his voice because I couldn't stop crying. 

Because I put down all my pics on kakaotalk and my profile message was about that

He found out and he called me several times until I picked up.

I talked to him about all this stuff and if that 2nd girlfriend ever comes to us in the future, wouldn't he feel a change of heart even though I am beside him?

If she was your first whatever you did with her was the greatest moment of your life wasn't it?

I just asked him all these questions and he was just... annoyed and upset too because he thought I couldn't trust him.

He said even if he comes across her in the future he won't have a change of heart because he said he forgot about her and he said to him the present is important and that I am in his present. 

But even when he said that I still felt paranoid because even if he said all those things I still was comparing myself. 

Whatever I do now I will think of that 2nd girlfriend.

I want to be his only special girl.

I just wanted to be his first time for everything because for me he is my first boyfriend so everything I do with him is my first and because it is my first it will carry on with me for the rest of my life.

But to him, I'm scared I'll just be one of those good memories that you have with a girlfriend.

Even when I'm writing this I am tearing up so bad because it hurts so bad.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Although I'm always hurting like this, I still love him too much that I can't break up with him. 

I don't know if anyone has these thoughts too..

I don't know what to do...

I hate this dreadful feeling bothering me every single time.