lately, i have been in the state of "i dont know". 

like alot of people have been asking me about my condition and what i have been up to but i find it kinda hard to find an answer to it. 

literally i feel like im on the fence right now. neither am i healing from my previous pain nor am i moving forward. i feel like im stagnant. 

i dont even know what i am feeling anymore to be honest like i'm affected but i cant seems to explain the reaction or feelings that comes out of it. 

i feel like i've been through too much i need a break but this break feels like it's pausing my life and telling me to go nowhere but take a while and reflect. i have went through too much to the point whereby i cant even trust myself, my own words and action. it has gotten to a point whereby i feel like i lose myself but i feel like i didnt because im still doing well and independant. like im barely breathing but still surviving and alive. 

whatever it is i want to get out of this phase because i hate not knowing what i am up to and being lost in myself. like this is not me. 4 years ago, i used to be very selfish and not care about anyone but myself. i want to be back in that phase again but i totally understand that it is going to take me years. 

right now i dont want to be in denial. yes im broken and flawed and left behind. i have lost myself which i didnt plan to. but i am going to pick myself up just like how i did last time. im going to be stronger but i need to know that it is going to take a very long time and it's okay to mourn. i am going to take my time to mourn for as long as my heart wants to. 

i should be glad that there's no more constant pain and dilemma. i should be glad that i wasn't chasing for someone to love me anymore. i should be glad that i'm not being used anymore. i should be glad that i'm not the victim anymore. 

right now, im going to mourn properly and venge my anger out while i still can. after this, i need to start afresh and get my guards back up again.