aaahhhh

i've been thinking about this a lot lately...idk why, but...i'm not super into having a romantic relationship....

i know in lgbt there's aromantic which is like not expirencing romantic attraction but that's not it it's more like....i just don't want to be in a long term relationship....

i've never dated...so my view on this could change easily but I just don't see much of an appeal? ? ? 

like i undertstand wanting to do everything with a certian person and wanting to be with someone for a long time but i just don't really see why it has to be romantic. I'm not calling out all romantic couples but just......i would rather do that kind of stuff with a best friend...idk

but sometimes i can see myself raisng a family with the person i love

and i feel like when i do date it will be very casual, like no promises of it lasting forever. because i plan on traveling and doing a lot of my own thing and i can't have someone else....bring me down...(that's not the phrase i want to use but i can't find better words to explain it).

I'm a very 'career before relationships' person. i plan on having a beautiful career and doing a job i love with people i love and i can't see myself giving up wonderful opportunities for someone 

i've already told my parents I don't plan on marrying until I've found the right perosn or that I may never marry and they're cool with it. Also i told them I may never want kids and they're cool with it. to even consider marriage and a possible family i have to be like head over heels for that person.

it may be because i saw my sister go through a pregnancy (i can't imagine putting my body through that like....yikes) and a divorce. it may be because i don't feel like my parents are right for each other..

and like in my head, every and i mean every single cute relationship ends horribly. Falling out of love, cheating, losing interest, everything horrible that could happen to a relationship. I can't see how 2 people can be with each other for so long and not want a break. I don't understand how people marry and live to be 70+ w/ their highschool bf/gf. I can't see 2 people going through a relationship for 40 or more yrs. I can't see it going past 30 yrs....

i think one of my biggest fears, besides clowns, is falling out of love or having someone fall out of love with me. i don't want to dedicate my whole being to someone else and have them shove it back. i've seen those things like 'he used to look at her like she put the stars in the sky but now he can't even look at her' or something. always someone sad. and i can't stop my mind from thinking about these things. like even the people i want to marry/date (vkook, etc) their relationship just ends so sadly. 

what i'm trying to say here it, i think it takes more than one long term relationship. like after breaking off your first long term relationship you can find eternal happiness in  your 2nd or 3rd.