Love. A four letter word that holds so much weight and sends me into a spiral of self-doubt. Honestly, I don't like thinking about love or the idea of love. Love baffels me because I have to rationalize things in my mind, put everything i feel into pockets and compartments in order to keep my thoughts organized or else I'll become a mess and won't be able to funciton. Love, if I'm to be super blunt and subjective, . It's irrational and one of those emotions hard to pin down on why you feel it you just do. I think I loved a lot of people outside of my family, but when I think back on it I realize it's only just a few I've really deeply loved. And the worst part about it though is if I don't know if I genuinely love(d) them or just wanted to be around them because they gave me attention and affection. I don't know what love is supposed to be or feel like and therefor I don't know what to expect. And with my mental health issues I always second guess my emotions and question my true intentions. "Do I like this person or do I like the idea of them?" "Do I want to be with them or just because they give me attention?" The thing is though, deep down, I don't feel like...I deserve love ya' feel me? I look at happy couples and I want to be like that, special to someone, but then I think about how much of a mess I am on the inside and I just can't be with someone only to give them grief. I dont' want someone to have to deal with my insecurities and piles of problems because how is that fair to them? And if I'm going to be honeset here, it's hard, it's hard loving someone with any type of issues. It's a lot of work and yeah I guess love is work but again I don't see how it's fair for me to share my problems with someone else. I guess I jus have a morphed view on love because people are scary, they can hurt you with words and take things back and leave and I'm not strong enough to handle that. At the same time though, I don't know when I'll ever feel better enough to let someone in so close or if I'll ever feel like I'm good enough to be that special person.