A/N: in the end this is not a what if but more like a ... missing time??? LOLOL idk i just wanted write a break down scene XD

For a while she stood there, motionless. The only thing moving was the pooling water on the sink rippling as droplets from her face fell to the milky surface. 

Her thought raced with flashes from the tragedies that happened all around her. How with each death she felt as if a huge boulder fell through her stomach and pounded her insides with massive force. Only with pure habit and sense of needing to safe her own face did she manage to keep her composure and not puke out all her in-flight meal to the sick bag.

Until now. 

How naive was she to think the people close to her would be safe from harm. 

How her own fear caused her to abandon common sense and in return retorted to her age old strategy, denial. 

Sohee felt her heart began to race, resulting in an overt reaction of a heated face and trembling fingers that grabbed the edge of the vanity so hard her nails started to turn white. 

It was just a matter of seconds before she felt the familiar choking feeling that always preceded her tears. 

And even when she knew that she was completely alone, it still happened with such difficulty, always while being fought against all the fibers of her existence. 

Suddenly, knocks. 

"Occupied!" She yelled out surprisingly steady, her heart personally cursing the person standing at the other side of the door for abruptly halting her release of emotion.

But she surely didn't expect how the next thing that came muffled by the locked door caused her need to cry to came back in a sudden spike. 

"Sohee? It's Hoseok. Can you open up?"

Although, she didn't allow it to. With a quick inhale, she shook her head and roughly wiped the leftover moisture off her face. 

He didn't need to see her that way.

"What's up?" She opened the door intending to give him a careless smile, but in the end decided to do it while not looking straight at him because she was afraid of showing him her swollen eyes and divulging him the fact that she was not feeling all that well.

Even with him being not that observant as he is, there were enough blatant red flags for him to ask, "is everything all right?"

Sohee once again shook her head and forced herself to look him in the eye. One for the sake of courtesy and two because she was a mental masochist. "Of course I am, but thankyou for asking." 

For a while he examined her composure, as he tried to duel with her innate dislike of being found out when not at her best condition. They've been friends long enough for Hoseok to know that forcing his way to her would only cause her to further shut herself away. 

"You forgot to bring your clothes," he playfully threw the wad of clean shirt to her face, resulting in a ring of genuine laughter from the both of them. 

She wanted to say more after their laughter dissipate, to give him a tiny banter as proof that she was okay. She'd always managed to do that, no matter how devastated she felt on the inside after a long day of work, she would still be able to dodge her way out of this kind of situation. The silent confrontations. Sohee could only drill her stares onto her t-shirt while her fingers were clutching it so hard she began to worry that holes are going to form.

"I'll head back then," Hoseok finally broke the awkwardness and pointed at the vicinity of his seat, "you know where to find me if you need me to... talk." 

Sohee tried to be discreet about her gladness but her sigh was audible for everyone to hear. Oh, the rudeness. It made her felt bad and thus she finally looked up again to be met with her worst nightmare. 

Looking at someone who was genuinely worried about her. 

His soft frown, his understanding smile, his hand still loosely gripping the handle of the door as if he was not ready to leave her alone. 

It caused her to question her decision. 

Should she tell him. Should she tell him.

But that's unfair. Subjecting him to the horrors and anxiety of what she was feeling was unfair, especially when he must've been struggling with everything that's happened himself. 

Which she couldn't help because she was a measly coward that always ran away. 

She didn't know what she was doing when she pulled Hoseok into the lavatory and slammed the door shut behind her. 

"Wait." She cut him abruptly before he could start any protests, if he was even planning to do so. "Wait..."

Which he did. Hoseok only stood there, watching in silence as her shoulders heaved up and down, slowly following her deep and long exhales of breaths. He was dumbfounded, and rightfully so, because he just noticed how he never saw her upset. Not only with his own eyes, but at all. Not a heartfelt message, not even an emotional post on her social media platforms. A quick searching around his memory didn't help him find an example of Sohee being like that. Angry is normal, laughters are daily occurrences. But looking at her body slumped over the door, crying so violently her head bumped slightly on the hard surface with every sharp gasps of breath, Hoseok honestly didn't know what to do. 

She probably wouldn't even mind if he only stood there. Clearly she wouldn't mind if they stayed silent and then walked out from the lavatory pretending that what'd happened inside didn't really happen. Because of that, she didn't expect to feel his hands laid softly atop her shoulders. 

Doubting, shaking hands rubbing her skin in an attempt to console her. Calming noise coming out from his mouth. Him placing his palm on her temple to cushion it from repeatedly banging against the door. 

Don't say anything. And that simple wish of hers worked for the both of them. She didn't want to hear any word of consolation coming from his mouth. She didn't want to hear any arbitrary sounding 'I'm sorry' or 'it's going to be okay', because he wasn't sorry, and it was not going to be okay. 

And this unforeseen breakdown was enough of a selfish act in a day for Sohee that she didn't want to add more to her sins by saying stupid, sympathy baiting words. 

Things like 'I'm afraid'.

I'm afraid. Said in a shaky, breathless hush. Like how he'd whispered those words with his breath hot against her ears. Jongin. Another soul she'd failed to help. The scene played up so clearly when she closed her eyes she was afraid of looking straight at his wild, unfocused gaze everytime she got them open. 

His feverish skin against her cheek, as she was desperate to show him that he wasn't left all alone. His fingers crushing hers in a tight grip as his trembling grew worse and worse until she lost him. The substances reached his brain and no matter how hard she tried, he would no longer be able to stay with her.

She knew, oh dear how she knew that he was afraid. Behind his wide smile was a terrible grimace, under his bright eyes reside a gloom pathetically pleading to be noticed. And worst were his laughters. With every ring Sohee heard that small waver at the end, as if his mentality could break anytime and finally let out the scream he'd been hiding between all those layers. Then why didn't she help him. Why did she wait until everything wrong that could've happen to happen before she held his hand and said 'it's okay. You're not alone. I'm here with you.' 

Desperate for an escape, that's why. Escape from her past memories, the horror of the present, and her future who only holds death. 

One more person had fallen due to her selfishness and it was her last wish to not add another one to her abundant tally.

"Sohee." Hearing her name being called, she answered with squeezing her eyes close even tighter than before. Her body curling ever so slightly closer to his embrace as she waited for the inevitable blow of his words.

"Me too." 

And instantly she was lost within his embrace. With him burying his head on her neck and fists clenching on the back of her vomit drenched blouse, Hoseok didn't care of the position of discomfort that they were in. She, Sohee was powerless to return it. Limply perching her head on his shoulder while both of her arms laid still at the sides of their body. 

"Hoseok." Her words were barely louder than a whisper when she felt warm dampness began to spread on her back and the shoulder she was leaning on was starting to shake. 

Her eyes were empty, staring to the distance without an ounce of empathy or care. But despite all that, she still managed to say to him what she was trained to.

"I'm here for you."