^{*warning: lengthy post about life and reflection} 

When I was five I never understood the meaning of 'goodbye'. It's strange because I knew it's what people would say when they're leaving, but I always thought it meant that you would see that person again. I said goodbye to my friends when I was five but with the idea that I would see them again. My family packed up and moved to a different state and despite having their numbers it never really occured to me to call becaus I thought I would see them again. Even now, as I write this, I have a small glimmer of hope that I'll see my childhood friends but I know that it's nothing but a pipe dream. Language is such a weird thing. It's so unique and words that are synonyms can hold different weight; a different connotation. At the age of eight I finally realized that 'goodbye' and 'see you later' were vastly different as friends entered and left my life just as quickly. Goodbye is an ending--the finale--characters say when they're sure they won't see the other again. I've always hated goodbyes because there never really is a good goodbye; people don't like change. Sometimes we want change but only when it goes our way and that's just not how life works. I was never good with saying goodbye so I never did. For me, my goodbye was a 'see you later' because I wanted to believe that I'd see that person again. I was a optimistic child, and even now as an adult I still cling onto those innocent fantasies. 

Life moves on though, and from the age of eight to sixteen I kept my distance from people. I was always stubborn as a child, but I feel my mind aged too quickly. The heated glass was placed into the cold too fast and shattered. I never knew how to cope with negative feelings so I avoided situations that would cause them; I was a pro. That isn't really a good way to live though, is it? As I grew up I became porcelin, afraid of being shattered and regarded everyone as a potential threat. Sometimes I couldn't even handle myself, what would make strangers any different? My mindset was just as fragile looking as my body--all knobby knees and bony fingers. The thing with bones; however, is that when they break they grow back stronger. The mind is a much more fragile thing, and under the stress of life hairline fractures formed and didn't heal. And then something happened, I fell. They were two variables I never considered because I never thought I'd met people quite like them. They were the X and Y but they didn't belong to me, they weren't part of my equation where I was already solved; or so I thought. Looking back, maybe me meeting them was supposed to help me grow as a person, but it could have just meant nothing at all. X and Y were just  small blimp in my life and when I look back they'll no longer be variables but just distant letters I have no clue what to do with now; where they fit in. 

X was shy. He was quiet, timid, but was always smiling and helped anyone out who needed it. I admired X, I wanted someone to care about me. So, three years in the making, I fell for X. We offered each other shy smiles, I kept sneaking hidden glances, and although our lines were so close as the years went on we never touched. X was cute; maybe it was love. 

Y was a whirlwind. She was tall and beautiful. Just like X, she always had a smile that could blind you and I swore she was an angel. I loved Y. She was everything I ever wanted to be and more; so much more. Y made me feel special, that we could take on the world together. Everyone loved her, she attracted only the positive in life. Y was everything; i thought it was love. 

They were variables I wanted but unfortunately couldn't keep. I was so blinded by how I felt that I let the careful case surrounded me fall and I shattered. Nothing about this was beautiful, the anguish wasn't something I wanted to write poetry about, the jealousy was blinding. I thought I could love X, but I couldn't. I wanted an idea, I wanted the idea of him and this perfect demeanor he possessed but he treated me the same as everyone else. He was too shy, too passive, and unsure of his feelings. What I wanted was someone to take care of me, to protect and shelter me, but what I needed was someone to inspire me and challenge me. I needed an equal. I loved Y with all my heart, but that was the problem, I monopolized her. I both loved and hated her becuase in my eyes she was perfect, everything I couldn't be. My happiness; however, soon became dependent on her. Y was flawed like anyone else and I realized that too late. While I would willingly tell her anything, she kept her feelings hidden behind a facade. She expected me to read her mind and know when I was in the wrong and sometimes I did, but it didn't matter. X and Y were people I loved, but eventually I had to let them both go, but I had long left their hearts before they left mine. The "me" that I carefully built around them had crumbled and I was left with broken pieces and bleeding fingers trying to fix myself. Do I still love X and Y? I'm not sure, the answer could be yes or no and both have an equal chance of being likely. 

At the age of eighteen I realized that goodbyes are inevitable. Goodbyes are part of life and sometimes we don't have the luxury to end things, sometimes it's a question mark or an ellipsis; there's no closure. We never formally said our goodbyes, but over time what tied us together frayed until the string snapped and what was left was just pieces of what we all used to be.  

(I was never good with goodbyes

but you've helped me learn how to say them

and I can finally let go.)