Had a mental breakdown

So, I just woke up but yeah, it's been a really long day guys. As the title suggests. For anyone new who is following me, after I deleted a metric crapton of blog entries, hi, I'm really emotionally ed up. I also try to avoid cursing in blogs, but I just want to really stress how messed up my head is. Anyway, what made me have a mental breakdown is just, it's a really long story and I don't want to explain it, but like I felt like I was going to die. It's the worst panic attack I've had in almost a year give or take a month or two. It was super, super awful. It was so bad, I kind of watned to die. Like, I've always felt not good enough, or not helpful enough. I'm am adult but I rely on my parents for literally everything and it makes me so frustrated. It frustrates me that I can't help my parents, it angers me that I can't provide for them and give them a better life. I hate them working so hard for hardly any recognition. Like, I would do anything for my family, I would sell my kidney. I would do a heart-transplant if they asked me to. I just, I just want them to never worry about anything. So it because while they give and give I just take. The guilt has gotten so bad that sometimes I hold off on eating because I didn't buy the food they did and like, I don't need to eat a lot to survive. It just hurts. I wish we had a better life, that good things would happen more often than bad because everything is just breaking down around us and it feels like we're all going nowhere in what we do. Like, I just get so frustrated and angry I just feel like a ticking time-bomb and I hate everything from the Universe to God and every other diety there is. One time it got so bad that I wish I could fight them. I'm...okay now. Better than before, but yeah guys I just broke down. It was so bad looking back I'm surprised how I could even talk. I guess I've just been holding so many things in and something happened today that just opened the can of worms. In fact, my head really hurts because of crying so much and feeling ty in general. And I know, stay positive and whatever but that's hard to do all the time and dammit I need a break! Why can't nice things happen all the time? And people just go after their dreams and it all works out well. I dunno' guys, I just don't think I'm strong enough to be in a world like this...

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cgao753 #1
wow i really wish i actually knew you, because i would go and hug the outta you </3 you really sound like you need a huggggg
but yea i feel like you seem to be locking a lot of emotions inside sometimes... if it helps, just have a journal or something and whenever you feel strongly about it, just write out all your feelings. of course it'd be nice to confront your parents about these feelings, but if they can't accept it just yet, maybe through writing would be a good way. sometimes i feel like when you speak, they might not listen, but when they read they have to absorb the info...

i'm honestly not very sure... but yea just remember that life is full of ups and down (oh wait is that too cliche???) and in order to get to the top, you need to struggle... if life wasn't full of pain and struggle, if we just stayed at the top all the time, it would be boring. since good and bad is all relative, if all the bad parts are gone, nothing will seem good anymore; everything will just be the same. (i'm sorry this is probably getting all philosophical and i did not intend for that to happen)

i also feel like you seem a bit like a pessimist... and i know it's hard to change your point of view right away, but i think it'd be beneficial if you stopped thinking about the negatives and focused on the positives. if you try to find hope or a light in every situation, maybe it'll release all the burdens that you feel off your shoulder? (not sure where i was initially going with this...)

also remember that strength comes from relying on people too. being dependent on your parents isn't necessarily a bad thing. just think of it more like a mini loan that you'll pay back once you're out in the world. and i think it'd be nice to find some sort of way to release the stress on yourself.... for me, just listening to music and writing my feelings down really helps
i'm sure you'll be fine! <3
SongRachel #2
I know it's hard :(
Don't hurt your self, I'm in the pretty much same situation as you.
Sometimes i got a headache, vomiting and just wanna end everything that i think bothers me.
But yeah life must go on,

I just can heal my feeling by praying and praying. Since i keep everything by myself.
keep Thinking everything is alright (even I'm really not) since i don't know what to do

I hope you'll get better soon,

be strong Bae, Since this is how life works on :(
musicbeat #3
I really can't say that I know how you feel because no one will know except you. I don't know how old are you but with me leeching off my parents..... yeah it's hard. Sure... we will try and to do things to run away from it. There's shame, frustration and the only thing we can do is hold on and pray that things will work out eventually. We may not know each other in real life but I hope this simple words will somehow cheer you on. FIGHTING! LIFE but it doesn't mean it won't get better... eventually :) (i'll be your cheer buddy~)
Uri_WH97 #4
I can't exactly relate to your situation bc I haven't graduated yet but I can relate to some of your feelings. There are times when I feel so worthless, like I think I should just die bc I can't seem to do anything right. I have a fam prob that has been ongoing for 6 years now. It got worse 2/3 years ago when my mum basically became a single mother. For all these years I had to live with the knowledge that my mum had been secretly crying almost every single day. For all these years I kept all these probs to myself. I can't even open up to my friends bc I don't think they'd believe me and I don't want the whole school to know about my fam probs.

Anyways this fam prob of mine still isn't solved yet but my mum had become stronger despite all these hardships. She's become a stronger woman who is more confident about herself. And that's the point. Challenges make life difficult but they help you to discover who you are and make you stronger. When life gets hard, just remember that one day, all these will be over and life will get better. My mum believes so.
sleepingprince #5
I hope that you will not be too harsh on yourself. I think self acceptance is important . Sometimes bad things happen and no one wants to be like that. If you can love yourself alittle more and give yourself a chance things will get better. All you have to do is push away negativity and keep trying. You can take a small step at a time. If you feel bad you can help around the house, do some chores and etc... Then maybe you can join or do some volunteering to mixed around and get some confidence. Its a good deed that will make you grow and learn more about life. I think its good to have a dream / a goal. That way you can focus more on it instead of having your mind all over. Try listen to some songs , do meditations it helps to relax and calm your mind. Exercise regularly , take some bananas as well it will help you to feel better. Always believe in yourself and never give up. You can be and do anything that you want .All you need is to open your heart and give yourself soem chances. Go out go explore the outside world.. All the best :) You can do it
koreaweab #6
I know I probably can't do much, but you know it's not bad to rely on people. Your parents are supposed to be there for you, whether or not you're an adult. It's different for everyone when they become independent and you should just try your best for now. You have probably given to them lots in the past, whether those things be big or small, and your parents are probably grateful for everything (of course, I don't know your family but just try thinking about it).

Also, never think that you're not good enough, because, for someone who admires you (AKA moi), you're someone who is better than 'good enough'. Bad things happen, sad days go by, and a positive attitude doesn't always fix everything. Despite all that, you've gotten this far, you've affected a lot of people and you must have noticed that just as joy passes, so does sadness. In your last blog, just reading the words that you wrote as a result of a ramble really inspired me, and I just really hope that someone with such beautiful words could have equally beautiful days. Just wait and try to make the bad go away yourself, even with the smallest actions like a second to have time for fresh air.

Other than my own ramblings, I can't do much for you, and I realize that. I just wish that maybe these words will come to mind if you ever feel like breaking down again.
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