A Writer's confessions.

 

Some of you keep praising me for it.

Some considers it a gift.

Others claim it's a waste of time.

I rather call it a curse.

And yes... I am talking about the never-ending roller-coaster of imagination going on in my mind.

A lot wrote me '' Oh I would love to have your imagination''

Believe me, no you wouldn't...

You would not even stand a week before falling to your knees and crying for mercy.

I never have a second of break, I never can focus wholy onto something, even when I work and am serving clients I daze away.

It is NOT something someone should wish for.

That thing gave me a lot of problems. 

I didn't not develop it... I was born with it. Always had a thing for writing and reading, was considered an advanced child during my elementary school years.

Spent my toddler years with books of this and that.

At 4 I could write my own name and recognized the alphabet

At 5 I was already writing.

At 6 I was reading books without images.

At 7 I started writing out my own stories.

What was the comment I always got on my report cards? '' Marie-Pier is often distracted''

What did the teachers kept telling me all throughout my school years? '' Put away that book''

Nobody minded though. I had good grades, they didn't care that I never listened in class.

Until High-School came around. 

The first two years went fine as I was always at the back of the class, reading and not doing anything much but still having average grades... But once the third year came around the corner... there came my downfall.

I tried and tried endlessly not to touch that book that was on the corner of my desk... but I was ending up writing instead.

All of my grades dropped, I was failing my PE and my maths and my french was kinda low. I passed my year with a failed math.

I cried when I saw I had failed a clas.... MY VERY FIRST TIME... I decided to try my best and not touch that book... but once again the pen was dancing on the paper instead.

I got in fourth year with grade three maths... barely passed my PE and french as I failed my sciences.

There came my final year, with grade four maths and grade four science, having a hard time in every class but always passing my advanced english with flying colours. But when the third semester's report card came in and I noticed I was in for failing my high school if I was not working harder for french, maths and sciences, I threw everything aside including my friends, spent my lunchtimes at the library or in remedials to bring up my grades.

And I succeeded... barely but I did.

...

But I was in for a big surprise called COLLEGE.

Any of you went to that hell hole? 

A place where you almost have to take notes AND record the class at the same time. 

A place where once you get in, you have to say bye bye to any hobbies as your evenings would be spent doing homeworks.

I got in... not knowing what was waiting for me. 

Once I noticed it was far from being the same thing as high school, I left my books home...

But hey, hello blank paper. 

Instead of listening to the courses, I was ending up writing a WHOLE chapter.

Result: Failed ALL classes besides english.

But I deemed it on myself: '' I didn't work enough, I took this lightly, I have to do better and work more seriously on the next semester''

So that was my resolution.

When the second semester came around, I switched major, took one that interested me more and was deemed as easier, I signed the given contract where was written that I had the right to fail only ONE course otherwise I'd be kicked out, and that's how the second semester started.

I tried, lord knows I tried...

I TRIED to spend my evenings studying. 

I TRIED to listen in class.

I TRIED not to touch that god-forsaken blank sheet of paper.

and I failed...

Father helped me study for politics class, one of the only courses I actually liked... but as I red the same sheet over and over again, did eight times... I had no idea what I had just read.

For litterature class... I read the books, tried my hardest to actually understand and remember what I was reading... but that was in vain.

I never had any higher than 37% on those book's analyses we were supposed to make... and I even got 0% on one I had ACTUALLY written. 

When going to meet my teachers and asking for help, telling them I just couldn't comprehend anything they were teaching... all told me the same thing.

'' Stop daydreaming and start actually listening and studying''

They didn't know I was doing my best but I just WAS NOT able to listen to them.

They didn't know I WAS NOT able to study.

...

So I failed that semester as well, and got kicked out of college for bad grades. Having failed ALL of my courses besides English once again.

( Mind you, I had been classified too low for the english classes)

...

Noticing no one was going to actually help me, I went online and searched for some answers.

Why I was doing so bad in school?

Why I was not able to actually listen?

Why I couldn't help but keep writing and thinking about stories constantly?

That's when I came across a certain article.

ADD and Hyperfocus.

Attention Deficit Disorder.

Unable to focus on things even when they want, constantly forget about things, unable to stay still, unable to comprehend a lot of things even when they want, could be talking to you and forget in a second what they were saying... and are easily distracted by litterally anything.

But it was the Hyperfocus part that had actually caught my attention.

Being immersed into a certain task so much that the person coping from it loses tracks of time and can hardly be derived from this task at hand, ending up ignoring responsibilities involuntarily.

It all made sense now... but okay... I had an idea of what I had... but what now?

Knowing what you have and getting treated for it are two different things.

Anyone here living in Canada... more specifically in Quebec... would know how ing hard it is when you have to interact with the health system.

So okay now I have ADD and I cannot go back to school until I get on treatment.

...

It's been two years now.

Two years since I got kicked out.

A year and a hald that I am working because I cannot stand being at home doing nothing.

I have over 110 fics on my account as of now.

My head is constantly popping new ideas in my head and I always have 6-7 fics running around at the same time along with the ongoing ones. They're all different... and I'M just wondering just HOW MUCH I can actually do before I'd done just about everything that can possibly be done... 

Would I have a break once I DID write everything?

I work around 43hours a week and still I am overcome by stories endlessly.

I work at two places... yet all I can dream about is going back to school.

I want to go back...I want to finish my studies... but I know I cannot unless I get on medication.

Think about that.... because I keep thinking about stories 24/7, I have to get on medication to actually be able to go to school...

But even then, when I get on pills... will I actually stop thinking so much about stories?

So all of you... saying I have a gift and praising me for it.

I don't have a gift... I have a curse

A curse that had me distracted in elementary

A curse that had me struggling through High-school

A curse that had me get kicked out of college

A curse that gives me sleeping-problems

The most trivial of things can me give a story idea and it won't leave my head until I write it out...

And I don't think there's any medication for overflowing and invasive imagination.

 

 

 

 

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skgenting #1
I cant say that your confession is not shocking coz believe me it is...this explains a lot why you could update your stories so fast...i get it now but you should learn to cope with it...talk to your parents...im sorry coz i cant help much just keep fighting for your life..il your idea and all but i love you more so ...choose the best for your life
TheHolyHamster57 #2
After reading this... I finally understand what's wrong with me throughout my life. Honestly, I have the same problem as you are. I was raised in a family of literature and art so imagine all the books I've read since I was three. And as not a native speaker, I've actually learned and spoke English near fluent since I was 6 despite the fact that I didn't actually spend my time living abroad.
But that's the main problem, the same as you are, I master everything related to art and literature and language, but I failed miserably in the field of science.
Everything goes down fall in High school when I took science program because my mom insisted that I should take that (I still wonder why though, she's a literature lecturer and she hoped deeply that I would take literature in college). I failed in every subject and if it wasn't because of false bureucracy in my school, I wouldn't have managed to graduate high school.

I have the same problem with imaginations popping out in my head and I just could NOT stop it. It keeps on popping, distracting me, and I really find it hard to set my priorities because of that because I'll always end up on my computer to write and let my imaginations run wild.

Now that I enter architectural school , I realize how much of a stupid person I've always been. Being raised with art and literature is not enough for me to succeed in that field. I found myself often distracted in classes and with overwhelming tasks on studio, I found myself falling apart.
I'm still in my second semester, but I'm already struggling. I can't set my priorities because I always ended up writing , I can't keep my designs consistent, therefore my tutor always say that 'You have too many ideas in your mind, you have to make up and be consistent with it' in which I failed.

Lately, I've been stressed out as the deadline nears. I still can't keep the imaginations away while in the same time I HAVE to focus on my drafts and studio deadlines.
cutieale #3
Oooh believe me you just have to find how things will work for U. I HAVE ADD i was on medication and went to different doctors and they all told me different things and they all give le different prescrittion. I STOP my medication years ago because it was making depress. With time now I know how to work with my Add and because of that I dont nedd that luch medication as before. Sometime having this kind of dissoders make you think ita a curse, but sometime this things is noýýt a curse ita just the way your brain works and we just need some litrle adjusment to focus . But dont fight just work with it. When you fight agaisnt ßomething thats is part of who you aré? you wllll never win. Good luck and just for U to know, IM Currently at my lastyear of Architecture
mangafrick #4
So sorry to hear that but if you think that you bad in study one i know for sure that you so damn good as writer so don't lose your hope and fighting
infinite87 #5
I'm so sorry for you, I really really hope that your treatment help you and give you some rest. Don't work too much or you will be sick and if you think that writing those stories that you have in mind can give you a little bit of rest from your ADD then you should try just to see if it works.... I hope you will get better, that you will find a way to turn your curse into a good thing for you and return in school like you want.
cestmavie #6
You are a person with a gift, but unfortunately those who surround you make you believe it's not. Like a girl who is the best at soccer but is bullied for being like a boy. Like the boy who likes to fashion designed and gets beat and called girly. Like a good wizard who is burnt alive for being a monster. A stone that can be trash or just nothing to people, can be a rare type of material that costs more than the newest Ferrari in the eyes of experts. If you are good at cooking, don't try to get a job at a tech lab. If you are good at singing, don't try to ask for a businessman opinion. If you were made to be creative and write stories unbelievably fast, then don't try to go to a cold, strict place.
Life has a plan for you, a BIG one, and stay strong. School system is old fashioned and the destroyer of gifted people's dreams and self-esteem.
Even though we don't know you, us, your readers love you for who you are. You have opened up to us through your stories. You have shown us a part of you, and for me, it will always be with me and I'll smile every time I remember.
I won't do what you don't want us to. But I'll do this: I wish I was as strong as you. And I wish you find your path soon.
Hugs and lots of love!!!
marieah #7
Not a curse.it's raw talent.
Ur condition(though i hate to call it as such) is best if taken care of.i'm sry ur teachers failed to recognise the signs and help u earlier,they were wrong to hold it against u.What kind of teacher asks his pupil to put a book away??
It's ok to ask for help and i think ur friends should pitch in(should've) as well.
The way i see it if u get the right treatment,ur talent might turn u into one great author,so don't diss it just yet.people wouldn't admire it if it weren't smth worth while.
ADD is a stressfull enough companion,but ur writings are part of that relief.
And u r not alone in this situation.lots of others go through smth similar(i am one,though not officially).
I really hope u get to finish ur studies and get the proper help.u deserve it!!
leaderdino #8
i want to give you a huge hug and tell you everything is going to be alright, but i know it's not that simple. bless you for letting this whole out.
i can relate to a lot of things... my mind is working 25/7, not giving me a moment to rest. whatever i do, whatever i listen to, whatever i look at, im always like 'i want to write about it'. i always find myself writing something instead of studying and this addiction makes me lose track of time and forget things. i couldnt get into the university i wanted, because i almost failed my final exams, because i was reading and writing instead of studying. no matter what i do, i just cant focus.
im still managing tho, i have kinda decent grades now. there were days when i cried myself to sleep every evening because i hated myself for writing instead of studying. i got tired of crying and staring at the ceiling, silently hating myself for being like that. i set up a studying plan that im trying to follow and i tried to re-organize my life. it helps a bit. i still cant concentrate the way i should, but it gets better slowly..
ChoiGurl1187 #9
It's an affliction.
I'm cursed with it as well, but it seems that I never got that diagnosis.
Try being married, having children, working a full-time job and going to college, not one degree, but getting three.
All the while being a wife, a parent, an employee, a student and also a compulsive reader.
I too, can't stop thinking, can't stop writing, creating, and I hardly sleep, mind constantly going.
It's frustrating trying to survive this thing called life and I'm pushing 50!!!
It's not easy being obsessive about anything that you get fixated on.
It's gut-wrenching when you can't focus on the task at hand because your mind is elsewhere, then you push yourself so hard to do fifty billion things at once.
As for any medication? Nope. There's nothing, nothing that will give you some semblance of peace, only something that will have you in a catatonic state. And you don't want that.
Trying to find a balance, that's the hard part.
I'm still doing it.
Trying to find that balance.
We can talk, if you'd like <3
lovelyairi #10
I hope that through this you were able to express yourself and lessen the burdens on your mind even if it was just a little bit.
It must be exhausting, I won't comment more on it because I'm not you and I don't understand ^^
I wish you luck and I hope things improve, if anything can make you feel more relaxed and less stressed than I hope it comes to you soon.
Fighting :) I'm sure those who wish for your imagination will understand your point of view from reading this.
iceprincess96 #11
Just remember that most of the world's geniuses failed/were kicked out of school.
Theres still hope for you darling :) don't ever give up because that fire you have in your heart will get you there <3
inspirit4ever_suhana #12
I am Sorry
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