2015 was by far the hardest year for me.

It was so rough that I’m still trapped of its aftermath. I lost a lot of ‘me’ and suffered the lowest point of my self-esteem that I needed a lot of time to put my head back up and redeem myself, even today.

Admittedly, I became the worst version of myself. I have never hated life before nor have I ever cried and felt so empty. I have never wished to sleep and never wake up ever again. It wasn’t like a roller coaster ride that has its ups and downs; it was more like an eternal slide, gliding me down non-stop.

From one disappointment to another.

From one heart break to another.

There was too much of it until negativity and sorrow filled up me up eventually.

There’s a perfect picture of my life that I plan to achieve, but those ideals were ruined by reality.

The reality that I was going nowhere.

Despite all the talents and skills, I realized how I haven’t even achieved anything. I realized how useless I am. I’m in the quarter mile of my life and yet what? NOTHING. I had nothing.

Imagine wasting 7 months of your life waiting, because your mom doesn’t allow you to engage in any other temporary jobs because your fcking work agency keeps saying to prepare because you’re flying “next month”. =___= (Fck I even missed BIGBANG and even Ari’s concert because I thought I won’t be in Manila)

Imagine seeing the people around you having stable careers and starting a new chapter of their lives while you are still out there trying to figure out where your life is headed, why there’s no opportunity opening for you, why the heavens are so silent and ignoring your prayers.

Imagine feeling not good enough for anything or for anyone. How many rejections I received, how many times I have to hear I’m not good enough and how many times I have to see how people are greatly way better than I.

Imagine the fears you have of the future. The uncertainties on whether you’ll be able to catch up or even keep up with the ways of life.

Imagine having no choice but pursue a career that you have zero care about, and despite being unhappy and losing a bit of yourself every day for being apart from your passion, you can’t leave it because it’s the only job open.

Imagine how your skills start to rot because you no longer have the time to practice or improve it because your day job (and the nasty managers) just drained all your energy is and/or because priorities priorities priorities.

Imagine how painful it is to hear from your old professors and friends how ‘sayang’ you have become.

I have all those worries filling up my head and heart. It was heavy. To make it worse, I'm living away from my bestfriend, I had no one to let it out to. I couldn't open it up to my parents because I feel embarassed to actually whine or cry about such, I couldn't cry to the heavens because I felt God has been silent to me.

In result,

I couldn’t help not to doubt my own self, then.

I couldn’t help not to feel good enough.

I couldn’t help not to compare myself to others.

I couldn’t help not to envy them.

Eventually I got angry and sad. It got the most of me that I had to throw away even the few things that makes me happy (it includes fanart making, writing and etc) and worse even the KPOP world (my only source of happiness) has become so quiet -- I miss my ship, I miss 2ne1, i miss Winner... TT TT Thank God for seventeen and RV tho. atleast---

I know I’m blessed but I never felt so empty and hopeless. It’s just too painful to be disappointed at your own self, to lose faith and belief of your own strength. It was to climb back up with such an weak spirit.

... But now i'm trying.

As 2016 came, I tried to leave all the pain behind. But like I said, it needs time.

I’m still in the process of picking up the pieces of my life trying to put them together again. Who knows! Maybe one day I’m happy again and return to the old me

Actually, I was originally trying to write the next chapter of my story, but my mind was still empty of words. I’m still uninspired. The sequences of story events are still muddled up. …….. But some chapters are ready, I just don’t know if it’s time to hit the unhide button, hehehe.