now that i'm no longer in a 29th feb rush...

i'm posting a more composed/calm blogpost...

which idek why i want to post one...lol.

i guess...i just like to let my thoughts out there...like i always say...if i keep all of my thoughts...when i die...they'd just die along with me....never meaning or worth anything more than just a random unspoken forgotten buried thought...what do i have to lose anyway to share my random blabbering? 

so...it's march now.

and i'm sick.

and i'm not sure if i'd rather get worse or get better tomorrow.

today(okay...yesterday?)...i had started to feel sick...but i still went to work anyway since i could still manage...

when i went back...i felt worse...which is good...since i'd feel better to be forced to take medical leave than just taking it without that real situation....

then again...why would anyone want to get sick? lol.

lol...i guess...just...as long as it got worse...or get better...either one is...okay...not stay the same state cuz that's where the real torture comes...

(i secretly hope....hahah...)

oh well...march...

what's special about march?

other than personal things...like family member's bday

nothing else...i guess...

it's the time where life starts to get crueler...drier..with no hopes anywhere in the near future...

hopeless...like my name haha...

why did i say that? bcuz....it's the time...public holidays stop...

even when i still had to work in public holiday...

but knowing it's a public holiday...makes the hope of whatever somewhat alive...

so many public holidays in january n february that...march comes with a frightful threatening air..

even in aff realm...march hasn't been a month where i came up with lots of things...

i probly started more fics in april n may...october...idk...

i started a few fics in march.... Heart-Warming, Thought Provoking & Refreshing Fanfic Recommendations | aka hopelesswriter's Selection (ok, this one's obviously not a fic...but it's something precious for me cuz it contain some of my fav fics...seriously...everyone, read Soyabean and Persona...and Tea Shop Fable...those kinda fics are the epitome of...uhm..my taste? Soyabean is just packing with so much damn feels, then again..i guess it goes to personal taste...)..then there's Unlock the Devil Fourever (a fic maybe too ambitious for my plain simplistic self...i don't know if i can ever complete this...but it does have a special place in my little messy heart...i'm more of a feeling focused writer-wannabe...and feeling isn't exactly the core essence of this fic so i easily got mixed up and failed miserably...lol)

the poems created on march weren't nothing much to shout out either(though i still like your colours bcuz i feel it fits so well to be a cheesy proposal poem xD),....it's like the month to be...uninspired? omg...the horror....

but you know...my thought of fanfic when march comes is...

my monthly fics...

you always see readers complaint abt how writers were being unfair to them when they discontinue fics...

but as a person who writes...

the hurt i feel seeing my monthly project unable to be continued...stuck at october....when it should've been finished by april/may last year already...and may is coming again....that hurt...

do you know the pain?

of course you don't.

i suggest those who want to make preachy posts blaming writers doing wrong to readers by not updating blabla whatever...try to write first...

of course, i'm not blaming anyone but myself for my own incapability to complete things i started...

i just feel so close to hong jiwoo, that not able to complete her story when it's already completed in my head, everyday...

is a really saddening feeling...

maybe it's bcuz she's the person i envision myself to end up as in the future (okay, minus all the guys lol...)

in fact, she's like an unnie to me...

there's nothing too tragic about her lonely life...cuz she's matured enough to handle it...even if her thoughts are often immature like that of a girl...like a flower never really properly blossomed...bcuz situations never allowed her to...so she grew old, immatured in thinking...yet matured in holding her thoughts n self together...

maybe someday...i'll find the courage to reorganize the whole idea n made it into one fic to publish in real life since it's mostly ocs in there...maybe i'll never find that courage at all...or die before i find it...

anything is possible...

even if hope is bleak.

anything is possible.

speaking of that....i applied job near my place...but i feel that they won't call me...bcuz they'd think why would i want such a job when i already seemingly had better?

it may be a immatured thing...

money n status are important...

but there are things more important...for me at least...

i even told in the application i didn't mind if the pay is lower than my pay now...

(maybe that's a mistake to say?)

i just want a more peaceful, less stress life...

regardless of money, position, qualification...

one that won't make me look back and thought...did i even live?

after all, life is too short.

everyday, trying to find, trying to keep waiting...

for courage, and opportunity...

miracle.

the problem is...when i apply for all the 'lower rank' jobs...i feel that they're intimidated n unconvinced i really want/need that job since i could get better so called...

and when i apply for jobs in line with my qualification...they look down on my ability prematurely...

in between of nowhere...

just....stuck.

living.

lifeless.

find strength, to those who dread every day they're going through...

even though it's dumb of me...i still...kind of...waiting...for a miracle...

maybe tomorrow...maybe the day after tomorrow...or the day after that...or a thousand years more...when it doesn't matter anymore...T^T

going through another day is already an amazing feat.

so...i hope i'll somehow...get through tomorrow...

another dreaded day...

though it'd be nice if i get that excuse to not go through it...

haha...

tsk.

motivation song of the day

it's not thaaat easy, oppar...

but i do understand that it's easy too...

omg...it's already 2:15?

-edit-and wait...what? the site still label this as 29th feb...ugh...what a waste...i forgot that this site doesn't follow my time zone...lol)

oooookay.