I'm crying and this is going to be long winded, but bear with me. I know it's the third one today... It's been kind of rough and I need some sort of outlit and this is the closest I have to one. No background information. I have no time. In just going try to make sense. So it is 9:22 and I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow, but today has been rough on me, so I went upstairs to make myself some raspberry tea with red ginseng because tea is one of the only things I don't hate. I was brewing it in my Korean tea pot and had my little tea cup out because it is a nice set. I just wanted to feel good for once today. Everything feels so heavy. Well, I was in the room with my sister Icess and she was trying to get me in a better mood by dancing and making funny faces and my mom walked in and told her not to make that face ever. After convincing my mom to tell us why she couldn't make that face, my mom told us that it was because she looks just like our father. Icess got upset because we don't have a relationship with our father and she said she hated him. My mom said she hated him. I just said he was okay to me back then. They asked me what I meant and I told them that I didn't like him any more because they make me feel pressured to hate him. I don't have firsthand experience, but they say that he was horrible while they were together. They make fun of him when he tries to send us packages, they call him racial slurs and they call him retarded. They just speak really lowly of him. That going on since I was 5 until now really takes effect on how somebody sees a person. I am embarrassed to have him as my father because all of the they put in my head. But when I tell them that is the reason I don't like him, they gang up and say I shouldn't hate him. Those are invalid reasons. He has never acted harshly towards me. He has never changed his attitude towards me and I can pin why I hate him on them. I don't know how to explain it but it just made me feel disgusting. Like I shouldn't hate him because he is actually trying to be my father but I can't help it now. It was set in stone so long ago because ask of the things they told me and I just feel like because I can't live him and he is trying and I just can't. I told them they made me feel disgusting and tried to walk downstairs with my tea so I could calm down but my mom called me up and said I couldn't bring my tea downstairs. When I did come upstairs to empty my tea out, because I was not going to stay upstairs where they would push me farther into the pit I tripped into, my mom was taking about ME to Icess. Icess was agreeing with her and I feel lower than the dirt they walk on. I dumped out my tea, washed the pot, and ran down to my room. Where I am now. Crying while writing this.

I have no real reason to hate him do I? But I can't help it if things about him being a bad person were planted in my head. That I'd what I see him as. The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess. I couldn't even finish my tea. Now I am a ball of nerves just waiting to explode because I can't go back up there. So much stuff had happened today and I can't overlook it. How anm I supposed to go to school tomorrow when things like this happen? I can't just smile through the day when this will be weighing on my mind. I just don't want it anymore. I don't want anything. Everything is too much for me to handle and I'm too weak for this all.

I am ed aren't I?

I don't even have anything