During class, my teacher asks us what we want to do in the future.

My classmates describe glorious plans, poetic lives, noble dreams.

My mind is blank and I make something up.

The teacher nods in approval.

And I think that if I can pull something so beautiful out of thin air, it must be something I want deep down.

 

Sometimes, I can't sleep because my mind is full of plans that I will never bring myself to follow through on.

 

As my roommate writes frantically in her notebook and groans in frustration, I sit online and scroll.

I should be doing something else, and my finger twitches.

It moves slightly and taps. The page refreshes.

I skim through the posts and smile. They take my worries away.

right click, reload.

I'm wasting time but this makes me happy!

ctrl+r

I'm numb.

 

Everyone works hard during the day and I lie to myself.

At night, everyone dreams and I lie awake, berating myself for wasting another day.

 

Pathetic.

 

During class, my teacher asks us what we think the meaning of life is. What's the point?

My classmates speak of deep, emotional things. Doing what you want, holding on to your values, fulfilling your dreams. Remembering, loving, living.

I say life has no meaning.

My teacher nods and moves on.

 

Maybe it's better to keep my thoughts inside

-- pretend that I exist

 

---

 

more poems here