Darn you Singles magazine, darn you to eternal heck. The pictures you took of our dearest leader make me feel like I need reliGYUion religion. Or a shower with a good, hard soaping.

Brace yourselves, y’all.

Seriously. Last warning!

Here goes!

A slew of health code violations going on here (who prepares food barefoot? Like who? And is that a pajama top with the jeans? Like…why? Might as well go shirtless since you broke six hundred food hygiene laws anyhow), but no matter, because it’s not noona’s appetite for food that has been awakened here…

(Slather that peanut butter on me, cutie commander. It's okay, noona's not allergic!)

Here’s a question. (And no, it's not "Why isn't that robe opened further?". Although, you know, that would be a legitimate query.) When did Sunggyu become the designated Dental Hygiene dude in Infinite? I mean, between this pic and his segment in the That Summer 2 Concert introduction, it’s like someone has a major Gyu-hamster teeth . (Possibly me, but I swear I had nothing to do with any of these media!)

(I feel like my Gyumate, pinnochi, being a dentist, appreciates this turn of events.)

What the…? Why is there no parental warning on this pair of photographs?!? The bedroom eyes in the first pic. Oh. My. Gyu.

And that hint of collarbone in the bottom photo is…I lack the verbal ability to think of a G-rated word to describe it other than “Gyulicious”, which isn’t even a word, but is so darn appropriate (other than not being a swear word), I can’t even.  So freakin’ Gyulicious. So incredibly, illegally Gyulicious. Bits of my ovaries are doing the pasodoble in a most manic manner right now.

I don’t believe there can be anything more ovary-obliterating than this, I truly don’t believe that is within the realm of reality…

I…I…

EVIL MAGAZINE PEOPLE, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?

Someone hold me, please, I haven’t the physical capacity to be upright right now. Or to be seated. Or to be coherent. Or to be dagyusjdfgyulaksdfgyutrcasdfugyuiasgyudkfjaksdfgyu!

I’m going to sue EVERY SINGLE PERSON involved with this whole photo shoot for A) not putting the proper safety warnings on it, B) hacking the deep dark recesses of the ty cesspool I carry around in my noggin my brain, and C) telling Kim Sunggyu to make that expression while lying on a bed. Nah-uh.  You DO NOT tell the iest hamster/grandpa in all of Kpop to do anything of that sort with that y face of his—on a bed, no less!—because it is basically no different from detonating an atomic bomb.

And bombs are bad. Very bad. Shame on you.

You’ll be sure to hear from my lawyers.

(Uh, as soon as I can engage some new ones…)

Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to...um...be off...to contemplate...morality...

I am aware I need religion.

This post approved by Kim “Single-mindedly coming for your ovaries/brovaries” Sunggyu.

*All pictures credited to their owners.