As the title says, I am so, so very sorry.

If you had read one of my previous blog posts (“Leaving K-Pop???”), then you would know that I had written that the only reason I’m still into EXO (and K-Pop, actually) is because of writing. But a few months after posting that blog entry, I got out of bed one morning and suddenly became so very weary of K-Pop, for some reason. It’s like I suddenly didn’t want to look at my walls (there was an EXO poster there), at my phone wallpaper (once again, EXO) or anything that holds even the tiniest bit of K-Pop.

I guess it’s because of Zitao leaving. And if he really is leaving, then I’m leaving EXO and K-Pop forever. Yes, even the writing community. There is still no official statement from both SM and Zitao and that’s what’s pulling me apart. He might as well not even be part of EXO anymore since he just packed his bags and left for America.

So in this blog post, I’m quite sure you all know what I’m going to say next.

That’s right – I’m going to stop writing Taoris.

Okay, no, that one’s a (half) lie.

I’m not even gearing up (geared up, to be more precise) for the EXO comeback. I’m not even going to buy the damn repackage. I’m not even going to watch the damn teaser or music video, which apparently came out, So. I’m not even going to do anything EXO-related.

I know I said I quit K-Pop last year, but I’m doing it genuinely this time. I unfollowed loads of blogs in my Tumblr because they were all primarily EXO and K-Pop. I stopped going to allkpop and all those K-Pop-related sites. Okay, no, some articles are really intriguing, and I really would like to know what would happen to both Polaris Entertainment and Clara (apparently she won the case, so. Still don’t like her, though). I also like how some of the comments in the allkpop article (wherein Taeyeon says that she’s tired of being called pretty) is an exact representation of my feelings towards her (I loathe her). But, I stopped looking up songs and new artists. I stopped watching variety shows. I stopped listening to K-Pop in my phone. I don’t even care about BIGBANG’s comeback, which is a major shock to myself because they were the first K-Pop artists I have ever loved.

So, yes, I have officially quit K-Pop. Well, I actually already quit around a month or so ago, but details, details.

When Zitao left for America, it’s like he took a part of me. I’m not even lying / exaggerating. He took a part of me – the part that stayed so faithful to EXO. And now that he’s gone (I don’t care whether he’s pulling a Kibum – he’s not active for this comeback and he might not even come back), I absolutely see no point in continuing with K-Pop. Trust me on this one – if you go to my Tumblr and Twitter, I had removed, design-wise, all the K-Pop (actually EXO)-related things and replaced them with something else entirely. Like my profile picture and background on Twitter are my own (mediocre) drawings (because I’m still not so attuned to using a tablet – I draw very well on paper, I promise you). I rarely reblog K-Pop posts on Tumblr. I had removed almost every K-Pop song from my phone. Almost, because there are still some songs I like, like EXO’s Transformer and What If …, and I have always loved SHINee so I’m never deleting them.

I’m done with K-Pop, and while I would like to say it’s Zitao’s fault … it is. It absolutely is. I hate him – he’s the main reason why I got into EXO and now that he’s gone, I’m also gone.

So let’s go back to my half-lie. I’m not going to lie when I say that writing’s the only thing I love to do most in a fandom. It’s also the only way I can contribute to and share my talent of writing. If I stop writing, I’m going to cry, I swear. I’ve been writing since I was seven four (my mum was so kind to tell me, thanks mum), back when I barely even knew how to hold a pencil. Writing’s been a part of me for a full decade and several years. If I stop writing, it’s like I’m going to stop breathing. I’m not over-dramatising anything at all – writing is that big in my life. I write during my classes, I write whenever I go to Starbucks (actually Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf), I write in the bus, I write in church – I write everywhere. Writing is my life.

So if I stop writing, especially for my favourite couple, then I’m pretty sure I’ll be a shell of what I used to be.

I will finish the two damn chaptered fanfics if it’s the last thing I do. Honestly, I was continuing to churn out WEaIH when I suddenly lost motivation for writing for the K-Pop community. I think this happened around March. I had a bad feeling, and sure enough, Zitao was rumoured to be leaving a few weeks later. I haven’t been writing for a full three months now. It literally hurts when I don’t write, but I didn’t know what to write. I still don’t know what to write.

I’m pretty sure I’ll continue to write Taoris, but … not as much. My sister has always really been into One Direction, while I was interested in them after Zayn had left (haha!), so when I told her about this “dilemma” of mine, she suggested (and is already requesting) that I try to write One Direction fanfics, most especially Zouis since she absolutely loves that couple (screw Larry there might still be some Larry tho). They’ll be posted in AO3 under the same name, so just know that if you see One Direction fics ‘stealing’ the same plots as my Taoris fics here, with the same username ‘claiming’ to be me, relax. It is still just me, I’m just changing the characters and settings to appeal to those in the One Direction fandom (and my sister). I’ll still make a note after every Taoris and Zouis / Larry fanfic which will be the same story but different characters and settings, along with a link to both the original and ‘copied’ fanfic.

So don’t expect any Taoris fanfics in the meantime. Maybe an update once in a blue moon (good Lord – my latest update of Sweet Home of Mine was October last year), just not regularly. On the other hand, One Direction fanfics are sure to pop up (if you’re into them – the band’s good from Midnight Memories [my favourite album] onwards, I swear), so if you would like to read some of them, you might want to head down to AO3 and search for the same name. I haven’t posted any yet, because right now I want to focus on updating both my Taoris fics, so don’t hold any high hopes.

I was supposed to put a rant I’ve been meaning to post regarding Zitao’s abrupt leave for the States … but I couldn’t find it anymore. I’ll update this when I find it. IF I find it.

Please don’t leave / abandon / stop talking to me because I left K-Pop. Leaving K-Pop for good actually took a lot of guts and willpower because I practically grew up with it. If you guys all leave, I don’t know what I’ll do. Don’t be afraid to talk to me on Twitter, or ask me a question on ask.fm, or even stalk me on Tumblr. I changed my username from kai-bawi-bo to jukukira, which was a to do because I used to have a Tumblr account with the account name jukukira, but that was using my old email address which got hacked and I had to make a new one, but I wanted my old username back. I had to go through a lot of e, but I deleted my old blog and renamed my current one, and now I’m very happy that I did it.

Just please, please, please don’t leave. I’m very, very lonely.