Jennie

 

"Did you have with her?" The first thing that comes from my mouth after the deafening silence. Elijah picked me up from our dorm after landing from Paris.

 

"I already told you I went back to the hotel after drinking together when we were in Tokyo." He explained calmly.

 

"Did you have with her before?" I asked again.

 

He looks away before answering me. "No."

 

"Look at me in the eyes and answer me," I told him coldly. I look at Elijah, praying hard he'll say no.

 

He avoided my gaze and looked down before answering, making my heart cry in pain. I already know the answer to my question just by looking at him, but I refuse to believe what my mind is telling me. "That was years ago."

 

I laughed dryly, more to myself as a few moments ago, even though I already know the answer, if he denied it, I will accept it and move on from this. I stood up, feeling defeated, and I faced him. "I heard you said no awhile ago, and now you're telling me it was years ago. When did you have with her? I want to know when and how many times you ed her, I want to know every detail. Tell me everything."

 

"I don't know. I don't remember." He said, still looking down.

 

The fact that he can't look me in the eye made me mad. "We both know that's not possible! We both know she's not just some girl you fooled around with when you refused to fight for me years ago." I told him bitterly.

 

"Are you going to bring that up every time we fight? Do you think I was happy when I leave you?" He answered back.

 

"You are the one who gave up. You are the one who lived a life abroad without looking back. Whether you were happy or not, it's on you. So now, answer me. When was the first and last time you had with her?" I said without breaking my gaze on him.

 

He looked at me in the eyes for the first time before answering me. I tried hard not to cry upon seeing his eyes filled with tears. "The first time was when I was 16. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."

 

I sat down. I feel like my soul left my body. I never expected his answer. "The first one was when you were 16? We were already dating that time."

 

He kneeled in front of me, holding my hand. I don't want him to touch me, but I don't have the strength to push him away. "That was a one-time thing."

 

I look at him while crying. The tears I have been holding on since I saw his face when he picked me up flowed endlessly. "Should I feel better after hearing that? Even if it just one time or thousands of times, you still cheated on me."

 

"I know. I'm sorry, Hun. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. All I know is I love you, and I won't do anything like that again. I promise." He said while crying on my lap.

 

We stayed in that position for a long time before I dared to speak again. "I don't know what will happen to us. I don't know, I think I love you too much to believe your promises. But it doesn't change the fact that you cheated on me when all I did was to trust you."

 

"I'm sorry, baby." I heard him says. I stand on my feet, and I feel his chest on my back, his arms around my waist. "Let me fix this. I won't ask for your trust, but I'll ask for a chance to earn your trust again. Please, baby. I beg you."

 

"Do I have a choice? Let go. I'll order food." I said, trying hard not to hug him back.

 

Elijah hugged me even tighter. "I will never let go of you."

 

We are eating take-out Chinese food while watching a movie. Elijah put her arm around my waist, and I lean my head on his chest. He kissed the top of my head, and I heard him whispered something. "I love you."

 

I close my eyes after biting my lips. I tried to focus on the movie we are watching, working hard to forget everything, even just for tonight. I have a lot of questions to him, but the pain in my chest is in its limit. I can't handle another heartbreak.

 

Six months passed since we last talked about Natalie. I have become someone even I hate. Forgive but never forget became my mantra in life. I've been hard to Elijah to a point I feel like I'm being unfair to him sometimes, but every time I think about what he did, I never care about the fairness of my actions. I'm no longer the old sweet Jennie who cries whenever I miss him. I became the Jennie full of doubts. I get mad at him for missing my call. I stop talking to him for days without telling him the reason why. I get furious whenever I see him speak to some girls. I sometimes get mad at him for nothing. I never cried in front of him again. I became a cold person, especially to him. Lisa and Chaeng try everything to make me smile when I feel gloomy. They spend a lot of time distracting me whenever Elijah is away. I'm thankful for the two maknaes, but there are times I shout and get mad at them. I feel guilty as I know that they are just making me feel better.

 

I close my eyes again after checking the time. The clock is at 2 pm, and I just woke up. I stay in my bed and sleep all the time these past few months, especially when Elijah is not in Korea. I sleep a lot not because I want to, but because I don't feel anything whenever I'm asleep. Everything is perfect with my life in my dreams.

 

Aside from what I'm going through with my personal life, I'm frustrated with work, as well. I'm annoyed by the fact that it has been six months and we still haven't had our comeback. I want to work to distract myself from everything happening in my life. I'm losing my patience as the year is ending, and we still haven't had any news for our comeback. Other girl groups from other entertainment labels usually do a comeback once every three months. We debuted more than a year ago, but we only have five songs under our name. My frustrations are growing, and I feel bad to our fans who waited so long for our debut, only to wait for us again to release new music. I can't help but be annoyed with the management for not giving us the chance to reach our potentials as if our group flopped.

 

Blackpink took the entertainment industry by storm, not only in Korea but in other countries as well. We had our Japanese debut last August and released our self-titled EP. We have been stuck in the "dungeon" as fans call it for half a year already, and we, the members themselves don't have any idea when we will be back with new songs. Everything is working well with Blackpink until Elijah took a step back in managing us. Elijah is busy managing Kia Motors after our debut in the Japanese market, and since then, we were thrown in the YG's dungeon, and we can't help but be frustrated about it. The four of us feel bad about the lack of music and appearances in the industry. We are scared our fans will leave us after getting tired of waiting for us. We can't help but feel sad every time they ask us for new songs, and we don't have a choice but to act as if we hear nothing as even us, the members don't know the answer.

 

We stayed in the dorm all the time, and we can't help but cry with everything that is happening with our career. I cried to sleep thinking about the uncertainty of our lives as K-Pop idols, but I know for a fact that I'm the luckiest for having the three other girls in my life. Lisa, being a ball of sunshine she is, makes our life in the dorm fun and energetic. Chae-young, with a positive outlook in life she has, makes us patient, calm, and hopeful with everything. Jisoo unnie, on the other hand, makes us strong and tight together, especially when we are breaking and doubting ourselves. I can't ask for anyone and anything better. I was in that thought when I heard a light knock on the door of my bedroom. We moved to a 4-bedroom apartment three months ago, so we already have a bedroom for each one of us. Our unit is right beside Elijah's apartment unit. We also live in the same apartment complex with Yoo In-na and IU sunbaenim. Kuma barks when someone knocks again. Kuma is a brown pomeranian dog, Elijah, and I got after I debuted last year.

 

"Unnie?" I heard Lisa say before opening the door. "It's already 3 pm, and you haven't eaten anything. Do you want to order something or.. eat out?"

 

I got mad at Lisa last night for bugging me to eat out. Guilt crossed my chest after remembering how scared and sad Lisa was after I shouted at her. I stood up and opened the door entirely before hugging her tight. "I'm sorry for getting mad at you last night."

 

I heard our maknae sobbed a little and hugged me tighter. I felt another body enveloped me in a tight hug. I become so much smaller after being surrounded by the two maknaes who is so much taller than me and Jisoo unnie.

 

"Ya! What is the meaning of this?" Jisoo unnie asked while carrying Dalgom, his white Maltese dog.

 

The three of us looked at each other and smiled, understanding even by just looking. We ran towards Jisoo and hugged her tight. Lisa kisses Jisoo unnie's cheeks, making her try to run away from our hug, and to Lisa's kisses, to be exact.

 

We decided not to go out and order chicken instead. As much as we want to eat Korean barbeques straight after grilling, as trainees before and idols today, we don't have the luxury to do that. We love to eat meat, and the easiest way for us to eat meat is to order chicken skewers to our dorm. I look at Lisa and Chaeng, who are arguing over what is the best dessert to eat after eating chicken skewers. I had a hard time for the past six months, and so is them. They try to understand and comfort me without asking what happened. I know they feel that something is up with Elijah and me, but they never ask me about it, respecting my privacy. There were times I want to tell them what happened, but the two youngest girls adore Elijah so much I don't want them to get mad at him. The two love and respect Elijah like a big brother, and he treats them like little sisters he never had the chance to have. I look at Jisoo unnie now, who is enjoying her chicken skewers while laughing at the two who are still bickering. I never talked to her as well about the issue between Elijah and me. I am her best friend, and so is Elijah. They've known each other since they were kids, and I don't want Jisoo unnie to be on a spot that she feels like she needs to choose sides. Every time I stayed inside my room all day, she will lie beside me silently while I cry without her asking anything. Having someone who stays with me without asking anything in times like it's hard to live is more than enough for me. I look at the three of them, and I can't help but smile. In times I feel like everything is not going well; I feel better whenever I see them.

 

"Meet me in my office tomorrow. Let's talk about work."

 

They all look at each other after reading the CEO's message. Lisa danced like a mad man after we hugged each other. They all feel like the way they feel when their debut has been confirmed. They are so happy they are going back to work, or at least they are going to talk about work.

 

I was brushing my hair when Jisoo unnie came to my room with a pillow in her hand. I smiled at her brightly and pulled her in the bed.

 

She sat in bed before asking me."Did you check the group message El sent?" I just looked at her. I never had the chance to recheck my phone since I woke up this afternoon. "He will be back tomorrow and will go straight to the office to join us in our meeting with Sajangnim."

 

I nod and continue to brush my hair. My heart flutters a bit, just thinking that I'll see Elijah again after two months of being away. I treat him differently from how I treat him before, but he never changed. I see him get tired sometimes, but he never gave up. He will call me every chance he can get, and tells me a lot of stories trying to engage me in a conversation. I used to talk to him over the phone until I fall to sleep, but since the Natalie issue, it's a miracle when I speak to him longer than 2-3 sentences. He talks nonstop during our phone time and tries his best to avoid awkward silence. To be fair to Elijah, I admit that he is trying his best to fix everything for the past six months, even without my cooperation. I am hurt whenever I see the pain in him when I give him the cold shoulder, but I feel like I need to do this for myself. I'm trying to find my trust in him again, but him being away all the time makes everything hard.

 

"How are you and El?" Jisoo asked. This is the first time she asked me about El since I become the cold Jennie. I bite my lip when tears start to fall in my cheeks.

 

"Unnie. I'm.. I.." I tried to speak while crying. "I.. I miss him, but.. but I'm so scared."

 

Jisoo wipes my tears. "I know, Ni. I know. It's okay to be scared, but try your best not to lose yourself because of the fear you have in your heart."

 

I cried harder upon looking at her. "I'm hurt with what he did, but I'm scared I'll lose him soon."

 

"You don't need to rush anything. If you feel like you're not yet ready, then it's okay." Jisoo hugs her.

 

"I want to trust him again, but whenever he's away, my mind tells me he will find someone better than me. Someone, he doesn't need to hide his relationship with. Someone who is so much easier to love." I said while crying on her shoulder.

 

"You are the most amazing person I met in my life. You are nice and warm, and everything a man will wish to have. El knows he will lose a pot of gold if he loses you." Jisoo reassured me.

 

The next day

 

My eyes travel around the office, looking for a familiar figure. Elijah will be back from London today. The CEO arrived and asked us to sit. He was asking us how we were when the door opened, and Elijah went inside the office, apologizing as he is late. He sat, and I saw him massaged his temple. Elijah looks like he lost some weight from the last time I saw him. He looks tired and sleepy. Jisoo nudged me, while the CEO looked at me directly.

 

The CEO continued talking when I looked at his direction. "So, if you haven't heard what I was telling the girls while your mind roamed around to I don't know where, I plan to have a reality show for Blackpink. You will be living in a beautiful house for 100 days, and travel a bit."

 

I just nodded and smiled at him nervously.

 

"Are you alright, Jennie? You have swollen eyes." The CEO asked me.

 

Jisoo saved her before I can find words to answer his question. "It's the flu, Sajangnim. It's flu season as it is so much colder these days than last year's winter, so make sure to take a flu shot."

 

The CEO agreed to her. "Have you taken a flu shot?"

 

"I like the flu, Sajangnim," Jisoo replied, making the girls cover their faces in embarrassment as the CEO looks confused. Jisoo's 4D personality never fails to show up even in front of their boss.